Holiday Love

Soul sore steps taken!

     Sometimes it is necessary to allow yourself to purge, whether it be physical or emotional.  I had made a choice to find a way to no longer suppress my sadness, I wanted to shake off the funk. Then taking the steps for what has become my usual Sunday routine, got my tea, had my bible and was tuned into The Potter’s House. This Sunday many church leaders have banded together and the theme “Black Lives Matter”. That touched me, but the Christmas pageant sent me over the edge of grief.

      One thing as a mother I’ve learned is all my sacrifices were not for my children, but for myself. For me to learn to give unconditional love without expectation. To love my sons and do whatever I felt needed to be done for their happiness. I spoiled them, made them angry and I did the best I could to make sure they were satisfied.

      They will never know the sleepless nights and tear filled days I have had praying and worrying about them every minute. What I realized is I did have expectations for all that I did for my children.  I guess somewhere along the way I should have told them, right?

      I had made a decision last night this sadness and lonely feeling had to stop. I am blessed to be in a place where I have loved ones, but being resistance to change I wanted what I thought I wanted. I wanted to be with my sons in California where the closest thing to family I have is. Not knowing how else to handle my feelings I allowed myself to slip back into a few bad habits to hide from the emotional distress.

      What brought me to my knees was a part of the Christmas pageant when the mother was at the Alter and the son was in hell screaming at her for not saving him. And it hurt my heart because I have been that mother for thirty years trying to save the soul of my first child that I love more than I can even explain.

     The child that has kept me on my face before God asking for a change. The one man who has hurt me time and time again, yet I still cry for his soul and still forgive and love him.  The first born child that I let down because I wasn’t able to heal his broken heart because mine was already in tatters when he was born.

      The pains bursting with every memory of a past Christmas, Sunday morning hustles, cuddling and watching movies, rubbing a head to soothe a bad day and cooking meals knowing there would be no leftovers. Then to make it seem worse, I was feeling like I, once again, disappointed God because of my inability to keep up with a blog. A simple task, but not having enough energy to put any of what I study down for anyone.

       Despair and despondence my cloak when I am alone. Hoping the prayers and tears have touched God’s heart. Knowing I can start over again, but isn’t that we all do every day? Thankful for each new mercy and grace God supplies.  Finding no comfort in the foods I’ve used to soothe my hurting soul.

      The only thing keeping me from falling into a pit of disappointment is my sincere desire to serve God and to help others. Not for fame or fortune seeking only to hear when I meet him face to face. “Well Done Lexi”. Yet here I am sitting here not even sure if I’m going in the right direction.

It was after I had my own little praise service, I heard clearly; why are you trying to convince yourself you failed?  Feelings of frustration loomed from not seeming to be reaching anyone other than myself. Was it my goal to have a lot of followers or was it my goal to get to the truth for myself? 

      The day was speeding by, but gladly while watching Bishop Jakes admit that during his journey he had many moments of wanting to quit. I knew taking this step would bring about challenges and I thought I was prepared, but not as much as I thought. I was so excited about the opportunity to share until I realized no one was reading. Again, feeling like this was all just wasted time and energy, but there was something inside that keeps me pushing forward. Pushing past the pain, pushing past feelings of inadequacy, hoping that I’m able to touch one person than I will have done what I set out to do,   

      So putting me aside, I will keep plugging along with the hopes someone out there is encouraged. Struggling Sunday! Smooches~~