Well, all I can say today is I am grateful and truly in a spirit of forgiveness. I had such a wonderful day speaking to relatives I haven’t seen since I was a little girl. I’m grateful for social media and being able to reminisce about good times from my past. To be reminded of how far I’ve come despite the hardships endured.
I’m often my biggest critic. Yesterday, some of my family reached out to me and I’m so glad to be back in touch with the maternal side of my family. It makes me feel that much more love for my mother!! I miss her every day and often wish when I’m writing I could bounce ideas off of her. She was such a beautiful, awesome, and brilliant woman; traits I’m grateful to have inherited.
It was a conversation with one of my cousins that I was reminded of just how truly blessed I am. It made me cry to think about my outburst because of a minor disappointment. When I reviewed all the wonderful talents God has bestowed on and in me all I can do is shake my head and wiggle my finger at my reflection in the mirror.
I woke this morning with a renewed praise and worship for what I have. To be used by God is all I desire and to share how good God is. I’m blessed to have people in my life that were concerned about my emotional state. All I know is I’m back and in full effect. Devil watch your back cause I am coming after you with all I have!!
God has shown me in this disappointment that he has something greater than I was hoping for. Showed me how to not allow this disappointment to stop MY APPOINTMENT! I’m called, but when I answered I had not really counting the cost. Now I see very clearly my weak areas and will do everything I can to remember to keep my shield of faith and my breastplate straight. It’s crazy how I was so easily distracted from my purpose, even if it was for a few days; that was too long.
All night as I slept I was singing in my dreams and when I woke, “Lord you are Awesome”. I couldn’t get the song off my lips. It’s brought on more tears, but tears of joy and thankfulness. It may seem like a minor thing, but I received a request from someone I would never thought would notice little ole me or my blog. What a blessing and what God whispered in my ear was I told you to hold on! Well If I can’t do anything else, I give God all the praise and glory.
I love him more and more every day!! I love how he sends me little signs that he has heard my cries and is working things out for my good so HE can get all the glory. Well get ready, my friends cause His glory is all I want to shout to the world.
Proudly, I say what a blessing it is to be young, gifted and serving a MIGHTY GOD!!! Now it is time for me to get back to deepening my knowledge of the Word. To offer to those who desire to know more all I’m blessed to discern in my studies. The side trip is debunked, I’m showing up for duty and full of renewed purpose!! Turned around Thursday!! Smooches~~
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Tired of Testing!
Well one thing is for certain, some things are just a part of you and no matter how far you try to get away from them not going to happen. I know some would say just get over it and believe me I am trying. It’s not easy drinking coffee, crying and trying to write. I don’t mean to shed tears it seems they flow without provocation. If you own stock in Kleenex, your welcome…LOL
I’ve always been a very emotional person, some would even say I’m overly sensitive. Repressing my emotions is not a skill I have honed and really don’t intend to. I was a little miffed to wake up this morning and the song playing in my head was “Every Praise”.
Talk about being a creature of habit and sticking to routine; that would be me. Well I was setting up to get some work done, who can work without a little motivational music? I wasn’t fast enough and the first song played was “No Weapon”. I love Fred Hammond, but I didn’t want to hear that.
It’s not that my intention is to be stubborn, but I’m still angry and hurt. I’ve tried to get my focus back and it is taking some effort. Being the child I am my first instinct is to ask why. I’m trying to understand what and where I keep missing it in this walk for the same things to keep occurring.
I want to know what I’m doing so wrong that I have to keep experiencing losses so enormous I’m left feeling disjointed and broken for years after. I have followed some things prescribed such as reminded God of his word, praying and believing I’ll receive, praising and giving God all my worship, fasting and studying trying to learn more of His ways. I’ve been doing my best to line myself with the word and live a life pressing towards being more separate and peculiar.
I have been loving God for so long it’s hard to remember what my life was like before I began developing a relationship. Most of the time I feel like the mule in a hole with the farmer throwing dirt on me. Somewhere in my inner most self I have the strength and resolve to stomp the dirt. I guess the real issue is I’m ready to stop having to stomp out the dirt and be on even ground.
I’ve been asking, no I’ve been brazen and told God, I don’t want to wait to get to heaven for my reward, I want to see the joy of the Lord while I’m living. What good does it do for me to continue talking about the struggle and not be able to share the joy of serving God?
If I can’t even be keep some stability in my own life, how can I be the one to teach others? To me that is hypocrisy and I don’t want to live like that. Being tested I can deal with when the test ends. Sometimes it feels like I’m always being tested but never really passing because the test comes again in a different form. Tired of being tested Tuesday. Smooches~~
I’ve always been a very emotional person, some would even say I’m overly sensitive. Repressing my emotions is not a skill I have honed and really don’t intend to. I was a little miffed to wake up this morning and the song playing in my head was “Every Praise”.
Talk about being a creature of habit and sticking to routine; that would be me. Well I was setting up to get some work done, who can work without a little motivational music? I wasn’t fast enough and the first song played was “No Weapon”. I love Fred Hammond, but I didn’t want to hear that.
It’s not that my intention is to be stubborn, but I’m still angry and hurt. I’ve tried to get my focus back and it is taking some effort. Being the child I am my first instinct is to ask why. I’m trying to understand what and where I keep missing it in this walk for the same things to keep occurring.
I want to know what I’m doing so wrong that I have to keep experiencing losses so enormous I’m left feeling disjointed and broken for years after. I have followed some things prescribed such as reminded God of his word, praying and believing I’ll receive, praising and giving God all my worship, fasting and studying trying to learn more of His ways. I’ve been doing my best to line myself with the word and live a life pressing towards being more separate and peculiar.
I have been loving God for so long it’s hard to remember what my life was like before I began developing a relationship. Most of the time I feel like the mule in a hole with the farmer throwing dirt on me. Somewhere in my inner most self I have the strength and resolve to stomp the dirt. I guess the real issue is I’m ready to stop having to stomp out the dirt and be on even ground.
I’ve been asking, no I’ve been brazen and told God, I don’t want to wait to get to heaven for my reward, I want to see the joy of the Lord while I’m living. What good does it do for me to continue talking about the struggle and not be able to share the joy of serving God?
If I can’t even be keep some stability in my own life, how can I be the one to teach others? To me that is hypocrisy and I don’t want to live like that. Being tested I can deal with when the test ends. Sometimes it feels like I’m always being tested but never really passing because the test comes again in a different form. Tired of being tested Tuesday. Smooches~~
Monday, February 9, 2015
Lost....
I had made up in my mind that moving forward wasn’t really working for me. It seems like the moment I allow myself to completely believe that God has my back and things are FINALLY going to be better for me, my whole world comes crashing around me. The hardest thing is I had faith in prophetic words that had been spoken into my life and certain steps I’ve taken were based on these words. I can’t even fully express how broken, hurt and angry I feel right now.
It’s not that the prophetic words didn’t come to pass; it is the fact I have been asking and fighting for something for almost a decade only to lose. The worst part is I had been not just praying, but begging for this victory and counting on God to bring this fight to a victorious end. Then what made it worse was I was on my prayer line and we prayed for an answer and not five minutes after we ended the line did I receive the report I had lost the battle.
Let’s see, the words I would use to describe what happened at that moment are uncontrollable intense anger. I have been angry before, but this anger was so intense it frightened me. For the first time I totally understood how my oldest son must feel on a pretty regular basis. This anger was a destructive, wanting to hurt or break or rip something apart type of anger.
It felt like my chest would burst and explode as each piece of smashed glass hit the floor. Yes, I had an emotional and violent temper tantrum. My dreams and desires that I had based on this victory were smashed and my heart hurt so badly. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and die. I didn’t have a backup plan, because I was trusting God for this.
I could barely breathe and I understood what it feels like to have a panic attack, not a good feeling, one I hope never to feel again. My first thought was to find a way to bring the pain to an end. Then all the failures of my past were popping into my thoughts and the tears had soaked my chest like someone threw a glass of water on me. So glad my neighbors were not around because I screamed at God so loud it made me jump. Let me be real I was cussing worse than a truck driver.
It felt like that moment your parent tells you can’t have something you’ve worked hard for. The thing you’ve bent over backwards to be obedient hoping for. First words out of my mouth were, DAMMIT I AM NOT F**KING JOB, SO STOP THIS BULL****. If this is how serving you is going to be, then count me out. I can’t do it. I don’t have the strength at this point of my life to deal with anymore loss and disappointment.
Then I had the nerve to say: What kind of father are you? I hate you and will never again give any part of my life in service. I am so grateful for my best friend, after I texted her (cause I really couldn’t breathe), she immediately called. She let me rant, cry, cuss and held on while I began to clean up the mess I had made. I didn’t look in a mirror, not even the ones I shattered, but I know this was the ugliest cry I’ve had in a very long time.
My finances are in a shambles and I feel like I’m taking twelve steps backwards. After all the tears stopped and the anger was just simmering, I got a text message. Okay, first I have MetroPCS and when you don’t pay you’re shut off. Well I hadn’t paid, so this message coming through… Anyway, I’m so glad for some of the people in my life who really understand. Grateful for those who stayed in my life when I was rock bottom. For those who have been there holding me up through the years of disappointments. The one question she asked me that made me poke my head out of the pity party, “Why did you start writing?”
Well, I’ve been writing since I could hold a pencil to form letters. As a little girl my writing was my escape from the feelings of not being wanted and feeling unloved by the people I lived in a house with. Instead of sitting in my room talking to myself and confirming my mother’s thought I was crazy; I wrote. Unknowingly, it helped me accept the blame for my father’s actions that caused my mother and sister so much pain. With my limited vocabulary I was able to go to a place where I was loved and felt pretty. Then as I developed my skill, I used it to help me vent and used it for cathartic purposes. I texted a condensed version of this and her responses were so full of love and encouragement.
This was her response that just let me know I’m surrounded by people who love me in spite of how I feel about me. “God has made you a writer. Your books will touch many lives. You will be "the" testimony for us who ask, how did you do it? Most writers DON'T share how the pain almost destroyed them or how they got thru it every single day. You are a "Transparent" writer. A writer who is real n hides Nothing!!” Thank you Yvette for having my back!!
So instead of remaining locked in my closet of pain and disappointment, I’m going write this out to a better place. Even though I realize I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I got an answer. It hurt, but I have to believe there is another way coming down the pipe. This hurts and I’m still angry at God, but this blog will be for me a way to go to that place where I feel loved and pretty. Mourning Monday!! Smooches~~
It’s not that the prophetic words didn’t come to pass; it is the fact I have been asking and fighting for something for almost a decade only to lose. The worst part is I had been not just praying, but begging for this victory and counting on God to bring this fight to a victorious end. Then what made it worse was I was on my prayer line and we prayed for an answer and not five minutes after we ended the line did I receive the report I had lost the battle.
Let’s see, the words I would use to describe what happened at that moment are uncontrollable intense anger. I have been angry before, but this anger was so intense it frightened me. For the first time I totally understood how my oldest son must feel on a pretty regular basis. This anger was a destructive, wanting to hurt or break or rip something apart type of anger.
It felt like my chest would burst and explode as each piece of smashed glass hit the floor. Yes, I had an emotional and violent temper tantrum. My dreams and desires that I had based on this victory were smashed and my heart hurt so badly. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and die. I didn’t have a backup plan, because I was trusting God for this.
I could barely breathe and I understood what it feels like to have a panic attack, not a good feeling, one I hope never to feel again. My first thought was to find a way to bring the pain to an end. Then all the failures of my past were popping into my thoughts and the tears had soaked my chest like someone threw a glass of water on me. So glad my neighbors were not around because I screamed at God so loud it made me jump. Let me be real I was cussing worse than a truck driver.
It felt like that moment your parent tells you can’t have something you’ve worked hard for. The thing you’ve bent over backwards to be obedient hoping for. First words out of my mouth were, DAMMIT I AM NOT F**KING JOB, SO STOP THIS BULL****. If this is how serving you is going to be, then count me out. I can’t do it. I don’t have the strength at this point of my life to deal with anymore loss and disappointment.
Then I had the nerve to say: What kind of father are you? I hate you and will never again give any part of my life in service. I am so grateful for my best friend, after I texted her (cause I really couldn’t breathe), she immediately called. She let me rant, cry, cuss and held on while I began to clean up the mess I had made. I didn’t look in a mirror, not even the ones I shattered, but I know this was the ugliest cry I’ve had in a very long time.
My finances are in a shambles and I feel like I’m taking twelve steps backwards. After all the tears stopped and the anger was just simmering, I got a text message. Okay, first I have MetroPCS and when you don’t pay you’re shut off. Well I hadn’t paid, so this message coming through… Anyway, I’m so glad for some of the people in my life who really understand. Grateful for those who stayed in my life when I was rock bottom. For those who have been there holding me up through the years of disappointments. The one question she asked me that made me poke my head out of the pity party, “Why did you start writing?”
Well, I’ve been writing since I could hold a pencil to form letters. As a little girl my writing was my escape from the feelings of not being wanted and feeling unloved by the people I lived in a house with. Instead of sitting in my room talking to myself and confirming my mother’s thought I was crazy; I wrote. Unknowingly, it helped me accept the blame for my father’s actions that caused my mother and sister so much pain. With my limited vocabulary I was able to go to a place where I was loved and felt pretty. Then as I developed my skill, I used it to help me vent and used it for cathartic purposes. I texted a condensed version of this and her responses were so full of love and encouragement.
This was her response that just let me know I’m surrounded by people who love me in spite of how I feel about me. “God has made you a writer. Your books will touch many lives. You will be "the" testimony for us who ask, how did you do it? Most writers DON'T share how the pain almost destroyed them or how they got thru it every single day. You are a "Transparent" writer. A writer who is real n hides Nothing!!” Thank you Yvette for having my back!!
So instead of remaining locked in my closet of pain and disappointment, I’m going write this out to a better place. Even though I realize I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I got an answer. It hurt, but I have to believe there is another way coming down the pipe. This hurts and I’m still angry at God, but this blog will be for me a way to go to that place where I feel loved and pretty. Mourning Monday!! Smooches~~
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