Giving Thanks!

Alone, alone in this desolate place. Praying for the day I will once again see your face.

        The thoughts I share here are from the center of my heart and the slow burning in my soul. Painfully, I have to admit I had the most over blown pity party ever. There is not a day I don’t wake and give thanks. I don’t just do it once a year. This year for me the holidays were a dark cloud dissipating into 2014 holiday blues.  I’ve had these blues before, but this time it sucker punched me that I am alone!!

        One of the things I was able to do with my children was establish tradition. I would look forward to the hours in the kitchen chopping, cutting, mixing and tasting to some sweet gospel tunes (Fred Hammond or the Winans, most likely).  A home full of the robust aromas of roasting turkey, stuffing, collards, mac and cheese, rolls, sweet potato pie and peach cobbler.  The blaring noise of college football and commentators bubbly descriptions of the floats and marching bands of parades.  Walls dripping love with vibrations of laughter.

       It didn’t matter if we were going to Uncles or Aunties house for the day, the next day we had our family meal. It was usually eaten in the living room watching more football or some action movie. Dessert was the precursor to napping and my escape to the solitude of my room.  To comfortably fall asleep with the background sounds of my sons creeping in the kitchen for thirds and bickering over the cobbler.  Dreaming of the wonderful sounds of holiday love filling the air.

          Not this year and after I crept from under the blanket of despair, I caught myself humming. “Give thanks with a grateful heart. The humming turns to whispered singing. “Give thanks to the Holy One, Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son, And now let the weak say, "I am strong" Let the poor say, "I am rich, Because of what the Lord has done for us" Give thanks”

          I would to say that ended my pity party and I was totally revitalized, but that’s not at all how the week progressed. My well of tears was still very ready to spill and it did. A few more nights of rehashing my past, present and future. Speaking very harshly, no yelling at God to fix this mess I was calling my life. A life I’ve been believing God had called for his purpose.

          Believe it or not then I heard this voice asking me, well if that’s what you believe then why all the juvenile behavior?  I couldn’t even come up with a good answer. Being a single mother I learned how to keep it together, mostly.

          It was even difficult write about my pain, so I cried myself to sleep. Then it hit me! I’d stopped believing God could consider me worthy of anything I had dreamed about. To some degree I was giving up on my dreams and stopped hoping for more than what I had, because I was getting what I deserved.

         I had to get on my face and cry out to Him. I wanted to be worthy, to serve him, to speak into the lives of others, but how could I do that, when I am so bound up by my life circumstances. Then this scripture popped into my head:

Romans 7:22-25 “For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.  Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” 

          Honestly, this really didn’t help me feel any better until I read a little further.  Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” 

         This gave me a little solace, because all I want to do is serve God and be the best servant I can. To learn to stop condemning myself before him and work more diligently. The idea was like a PowerPoint presentation. One more reason to be thankful!! The ability to have opportunity to share is simple. I’ve become such a Facebook junkie to expand was never a thought; until now.

         I heard clearly Blog. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads my words, I have to be obedient and share. To some it may seem like a logical answer. Well, maybe it is, but for me this venue is a step of stretching my faith. Removing the walls I’ve been hiding behind and give what is in my heart to share.

          It’s incredible how often I forget when I do what is asked the things I need are taken care of. My feelings of being alone are still there, but this past week I was reminded, even in this place, I am surrounded with love. Thankfully the blues have faded and a new journey has begun, as I step.

I hope everyone reading this has a safe, festive and lovefilled Thanksgiving! Smooches~~