From January 2014

I spent the weekend going through my journals and I found this was necessary to share again. 

From January 2014 - As I was sharing with my friend about how some days it was very difficult being saved and single, it began to make sense more why I kept hearing “this broken vessel” yesterday.  When I made a decision to keep myself for my potential husband, I was also in the beginning stages of God healing me from recent hurts and many of the past hurts I had closed up in a hope chest; waiting for a chance to throw them away for good.  The best way to describe how I was feeling is to give this visual. A puzzle with only the edges pieced together, but even all the edges were not yet connected.  The middle of 2013 the edges had finally been connected and the insides were slowly being put in the proper place.  As a single woman it is not easy for me to go through some things alone.  Not that I am lonely, it would just be nice to have a strong Godly man to lean on so I can be the weaker vessel. Because I have been single pretty much my entire adult life, it was getting pretty old crying on my own shoulder, or that of one of my life long girlfriends.  I am thankful for all of them, but I’m just saying it would be nice have a man to tell me everything would be alright.  I’ve never been one to not have men pursuing me and the ones I allowed to catch me would have to really be something special.  Even the ones that were allowed to be close would be only allowed certain access to any parts of me.  But the ones who made the cut, so to speak, knew they were not husband material for me. Yeah, I said it, there are men out there I actually told they were not husband material.  Because even in my disobedience I knew I needed to be with a disciplined man of God; with whom I was equally yoked in every aspect!!  Anyway I said all that to say the last relationship, physical, was now four years ago and I was still not healed.  I was still nursing the wounds and missing the man I thought I loved.  I walked away because our lives were set on different sides of the country.  He loves the south and I hate it.  I love the west coast and he didn’t want to leave the life he had in the south.  Of the four years I spent two of them crying pretty much every day. By the third year the tears had lessened, but when they did come they would last for a few days. It was this morning in prayer the Lord told me I needed to sever that soul tie.  The Lord also told me that until I let go of the hurts and let him be the bond in the cracks of my heart; then I would only draw men who were not husband material.  Because I’m not getting younger and I want to have a loving physical relationship with my husband I asked the Lord to help me understand and how to fix this mess I was in.  I refuse to live another year all strewn out on a table waiting with unconnected edges.  The answer I received was so clear and so precise it made me laugh.  Pool of Bethesda!!  God let me see the angel stirring up the pool and told me very clearly all I needed to do was to cut and dip. So I closed my eyes and ceremonially I saw myself cut the soul tie with that man and I ran to the pool and slowly submerged myself.  Well I will let you know how things turn out because I’m still submerged.  I want to make sure the water gets into every crack, hole and pushes through blockages.