Yesterday was a very interesting day. My phone service here has made it almost impossible to keep in touch with those who still communicate with me. So when I get phone calls that actually ring on my end I answer. Lately, I’ve been good about keeping my focus and sometimes it takes me a couple of days before I feel I have something to share. So when the few calls that came through I jumped at the chance to be a little idle.
I was taking a break from studying and finally had the chance to view MOB Sunday Night Glory and Prophet Hawley blessed my stockings off. It was as if God had given him a direct line to my heart and mind. It was as if he’d read my blogs for the last month.
This form of confirmation is astounding to me. It shows me just how much God cares for me and this message for me was to keep going and keep listening closely. Understand, I don’t always feel like God should use me because my delivery is not like those currently in the pulpit. I know without any doubt I’m a little unconventional and I tend to be across the street from the box. I know that the wisdom I have is surely a God given gift.
I don’t need a title or to be in someone’s church to do what God has called me to do. It is this time in New Mexico I’m seeing this clearly. I miss being in a good fellowship and my heart longs to take a trip to Fresno and be in service with MOB or a trip to Dallas to go to the Potter’s House just to get that feeling live and not through live streaming.
Just as I was feeling like things were finally changing and I feel secure in my purpose the message from Sunday confirmed all my doubts. Then I get a text message from a number I didn’t recognize. Wait I think I need to back up a little here. In one of my conversations with my everything friend, I had been discussing the lack of communication I have with my older son and how much it is tearing my heart up. The one thing I shared with her is it may not be what I want, but I trust God to deal with him and with me.
It’s difficult to put in a short space the total dysfunction of the relationship I have with my oldest, other than to state that child has kept me before God. My love for him is the greatest love I’ve felt for another human being. I don’t love him more than my youngest, not even close. However this one is part of my cross to bear!
The thing is this child hurt me, once again, more this last time I’d seen him that all I could do is finally allow him to have his way. It wasn’t just his words, but his actions and the timing of those actions that sent me over the edge. When he told me he wanted no part of me and that I was dead to him, this time out of hurt and anger I lost it and told him okay. I told him until he gets himself together I am dead to him. I’d seen a post that said “God may not be done with you, but I am! And believe me that is exactly how I feel about my son.
This was in November and I thought I had let go of most of the anger, but the hurt was still jumping up and down in my heart. Then very loudly I heard “Forgive him again! 7x70” I was like what, not this time Lord, it is clear my son has some issues. In my heart I know the text message was him trying to reach out and when I saw the signature line I knew it was him, but I responded with “Who is this?”. I could feel the anger seeping through. It was after some tears I realized I had not forgiven my son. As I was praying this morning I had to ask God to help me to not to just forgive again, but to forget this one.
Understand I’m not yet sure how to get past this. I want to be there for him, but now I know the relationship I have with him will have to be very different. It made me think about the relationships I have with other blood relatives and I realized I was holding on to the hurtful things. Pushing them out of my life because of the pain and hurt they represent and not allowing God to sweep all these things from my heart. It makes me wish sometimes my memory wouldn’t be so clear.
It is as I write this I find I have a lot more forgiving to do and mostly I have to stop being so hard on myself for feeling like I do. I know that even though I love them all and would love for things to be better, I’m the one who will have to take that step. Not anything anyone can see, but I need to step into total forgiveness, not just sometimey forgiveness. It is easy to think you’ve forgiven someone until you are face to face with them and all those negative feelings burst through like a tornado.
Pray for me as I walk through the valley of forgiveness and meet me on the other side of wholeness. Wholeness Wednesday! Smooches~~
I was taking a break from studying and finally had the chance to view MOB Sunday Night Glory and Prophet Hawley blessed my stockings off. It was as if God had given him a direct line to my heart and mind. It was as if he’d read my blogs for the last month.
This form of confirmation is astounding to me. It shows me just how much God cares for me and this message for me was to keep going and keep listening closely. Understand, I don’t always feel like God should use me because my delivery is not like those currently in the pulpit. I know without any doubt I’m a little unconventional and I tend to be across the street from the box. I know that the wisdom I have is surely a God given gift.
I don’t need a title or to be in someone’s church to do what God has called me to do. It is this time in New Mexico I’m seeing this clearly. I miss being in a good fellowship and my heart longs to take a trip to Fresno and be in service with MOB or a trip to Dallas to go to the Potter’s House just to get that feeling live and not through live streaming.
Just as I was feeling like things were finally changing and I feel secure in my purpose the message from Sunday confirmed all my doubts. Then I get a text message from a number I didn’t recognize. Wait I think I need to back up a little here. In one of my conversations with my everything friend, I had been discussing the lack of communication I have with my older son and how much it is tearing my heart up. The one thing I shared with her is it may not be what I want, but I trust God to deal with him and with me.
It’s difficult to put in a short space the total dysfunction of the relationship I have with my oldest, other than to state that child has kept me before God. My love for him is the greatest love I’ve felt for another human being. I don’t love him more than my youngest, not even close. However this one is part of my cross to bear!
The thing is this child hurt me, once again, more this last time I’d seen him that all I could do is finally allow him to have his way. It wasn’t just his words, but his actions and the timing of those actions that sent me over the edge. When he told me he wanted no part of me and that I was dead to him, this time out of hurt and anger I lost it and told him okay. I told him until he gets himself together I am dead to him. I’d seen a post that said “God may not be done with you, but I am! And believe me that is exactly how I feel about my son.
This was in November and I thought I had let go of most of the anger, but the hurt was still jumping up and down in my heart. Then very loudly I heard “Forgive him again! 7x70” I was like what, not this time Lord, it is clear my son has some issues. In my heart I know the text message was him trying to reach out and when I saw the signature line I knew it was him, but I responded with “Who is this?”. I could feel the anger seeping through. It was after some tears I realized I had not forgiven my son. As I was praying this morning I had to ask God to help me to not to just forgive again, but to forget this one.
Understand I’m not yet sure how to get past this. I want to be there for him, but now I know the relationship I have with him will have to be very different. It made me think about the relationships I have with other blood relatives and I realized I was holding on to the hurtful things. Pushing them out of my life because of the pain and hurt they represent and not allowing God to sweep all these things from my heart. It makes me wish sometimes my memory wouldn’t be so clear.
It is as I write this I find I have a lot more forgiving to do and mostly I have to stop being so hard on myself for feeling like I do. I know that even though I love them all and would love for things to be better, I’m the one who will have to take that step. Not anything anyone can see, but I need to step into total forgiveness, not just sometimey forgiveness. It is easy to think you’ve forgiven someone until you are face to face with them and all those negative feelings burst through like a tornado.
Pray for me as I walk through the valley of forgiveness and meet me on the other side of wholeness. Wholeness Wednesday! Smooches~~
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