Searching For ????

I’m back! Been a week of massive creative juice flow and I love it! It was a positive distraction because I was feeling very disconnected and nothing was coming or inspiring me to put anything on paper. I am not one to waste time staring at a white screen, but my mind was swirling with thoughts. Thoughts I wasn’t able to find the proper words or any inspiring thoughts to share.

It seemed like my connection to my God is weakened because of my anger and the rage that still brews beneath the surface. The week was sprinkled with conversations with friends who seemed to have an inlet to getting prayers answered and walking strong in the blessings of God. Glowing with the favor of God and confidence in their faith of God fulfilling the promises to prosper them.

Trying to find a way to stir the pot of faith and rekindling my joy in knowing God does still love me and still wants to use me has not been an easy task. All I am able to do is pray until something changes. The fight for something over a long period of time only to lose doesn’t make for an easy comeback for me. Trying to muster up strength for the next round and having no real direction has defined my daily stress.

I’m trying not to stress on the financial disaster that has raised its ugly head and to ignore the fears of my past losses. Trying with all the strength I have left to trust God in this mess I’m in. Pushing back tears as I strive to get a word from God through messages from men and women of God who have inspired me in the past. Fighting the urge to crawl into the fetal position and give up.

Then to lose a friend whom, I loved, suddenly gave me an excuse to release the ocean of tears. Not sure if I was crying for the loss or if I was actual envious of him being free from the tribulations. Thinking how immensely wonderful it is to not have to worry about having needs supplies.

Then I was thrilled when one of my trio sent out a distress call, which I immediately answered and was glad to share with them my deepest darkest pain without worry of judgment or condemnation. The time we spent went by so fast, but was full of laughing, love and affirmation. This was much needed release and am grateful for the longevity of this bond.

So, instead of thinking too much, which I usually do, I’m spending my day filled with mindless movies and resting. Solemn Sunday. Smooches~~