Tired of Testing!

Well one thing is for certain, some things are just a part of you and no matter how far you try to get away from them not going to happen. I know some would say just get over it and believe me I am trying. It’s not easy drinking coffee, crying and trying to write. I don’t mean to shed tears it seems they flow without provocation. If you own stock in Kleenex, your welcome…LOL

I’ve always been a very emotional person, some would even say I’m overly sensitive. Repressing my emotions is not a skill I have honed and really don’t intend to. I was a little miffed to wake up this morning and the song playing in my head was “Every Praise”.

Talk about being a creature of habit and sticking to routine; that would be me. Well I was setting up to get some work done, who can work without a little motivational music? I wasn’t fast enough and the first song played was “No Weapon”. I love Fred Hammond, but I didn’t want to hear that.

It’s not that my intention is to be stubborn, but I’m still angry and hurt. I’ve tried to get my focus back and it is taking some effort. Being the child I am my first instinct is to ask why. I’m trying to understand what and where I keep missing it in this walk for the same things to keep occurring.

I want to know what I’m doing so wrong that I have to keep experiencing losses so enormous I’m left feeling disjointed and broken for years after. I have followed some things prescribed such as reminded God of his word, praying and believing I’ll receive, praising and giving God all my worship, fasting and studying trying to learn more of His ways. I’ve been doing my best to line myself with the word and live a life pressing towards being more separate and peculiar.

I have been loving God for so long it’s hard to remember what my life was like before I began developing a relationship. Most of the time I feel like the mule in a hole with the farmer throwing dirt on me. Somewhere in my inner most self I have the strength and resolve to stomp the dirt. I guess the real issue is I’m ready to stop having to stomp out the dirt and be on even ground.

I’ve been asking, no I’ve been brazen and told God, I don’t want to wait to get to heaven for my reward, I want to see the joy of the Lord while I’m living. What good does it do for me to continue talking about the struggle and not be able to share the joy of serving God?

If I can’t even be keep some stability in my own life, how can I be the one to teach others? To me that is hypocrisy and I don’t want to live like that. Being tested I can deal with when the test ends. Sometimes it feels like I’m always being tested but never really passing because the test comes again in a different form. Tired of being tested Tuesday. Smooches~~