Just the Facts Ma'am!

I started writing this over a week ago, but my head hurt so badly I couldn’t focus; plus don’t know how, but I burnt the tips of two of my fingers. Maybe I should stop cooking… lol. The last few weeks I’ve been off track because I’m trying to find a job so I can maintain my lifestyle. A lifestyle border lining abject poverty. Please understand, I’ve been blessed to have raised two sons, yet some of our circumstances have unfortunately left my sons with some issues as a result.

These last several days I’ve been battling waking with extreme headaches, severe knee pain, with an added throbbing lower back pain, listlessness and my stomach being stressed because of the excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. It’s so frustrating when the thing you use to fix one problem causes another.

This has been the story of my life. I make one decision to try to fix one thing and the fix causes another problem. Philippines 4:11-12 “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.” This scripture was my mantra through every situation.

The thing about this was I’ve become exhausted and frustrated doesn’t even cover how I’ve been feeling. It seems like every time I get close to something to alleviate my stress the door is slammed so hard I’m left picking myself up off the floor. Once I get upright, I’m slapped in the face with more debt and lack.

At this point I feel like Job has nothing on me. I decided to remind God of his word. Psalms 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.” Here I was living a life and praising in my lack, yet for some reason it seemed this particular scripture wasn’t manifest in my life. It pains me to know one of my seed was in a place he was begging just trying to survive.

My cries were halted when I read the scripture again through throbbing achy eyes. So I asked for clarification because I have some serious questions. Am I not part of the righteous? Isn’t the reason for Jesus to stand in the gap and make intercession for me? Was I not worthy of this blessing of Jesus being the sacrifice for my sinful self? Why is it if Jesus came and died so that I may have life more abundantly; then why was I feeling plagued with lack and disappointment?

Questions, questions racing through my pain clouded mind causing me to even question what I was really chasing after and is it worth it. Feeling like I was back to running in circles and actually creating an oval. Off track and off kilter. Wondering when Proverbs 13:22 “A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just.”; would show up for me. As things stand right at this moment in my life I was empty handed and have nothing to offer my children except memories of my love for them. In my heart I want to leave them something more tangible.

Then I remembered Isaiah 64:6 “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.”. Immediately, I began to pray for a cleansing and a refreshing of my heart. Filth Free Friday! Smooches~~