Put in Proper Prospective!!

It’s been one of those mornings that I have teetered between being bless and abundantly blessed. I love the times I get to share with my best friend, she always gives me such an awesome prospective. I think one of the things I love most about our friendship is we have a deep abiding love for our differences. I shared that I prayed for snow for someone and voila we got snow. It amazes me how sometimes God will answer some of the smaller request which makes me think, “Well, dang God, if I had known you were in the giving mood I would have asked for…”

I’m in a little bit of a lazy mood and not feeling led to really share anything. Because I need to stay committed to sharing, I was looking back through some of my journals from 2012 and 2013. It’s awesome to be able to look back and see just how far I have come since the multitude of hardships of just those two years.

I often forget about all the things I have accomplished because the road behind me is filled with so many failures and disappointments. I got understanding many years ago about looking back and the scripture that comes to mind is Luke 9:62, I’m paraphrasing, “The man who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God.” So one thing I have to remind myself is it is okay to look back, just don’t get stuck!!

Well, this wasn’t good enough for me because I want more than anything to be fit for the Kingdom of God!! In all honesty most times when I look back all I feel is the pains of my past. I try to erase these times, but the truth is my eraser isn’t big enough to do it. I have to really lean on my heavenly father to help me to live Philippians 3:13-14 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. “

Now understand I am pressing forward and will continue to do so, I just know the pains and tears of the past are gone, but not forgotten. Yes, the trials have made a difference in the woman I am now and honestly I would change a lot if I could. This is why I have to press because although I have no regrets, there are choices that caused me grief. Some of the circumstances I faced were not because of bad decisions, but now I realize it was for me to grow and learn to stretch my faith. What the devil meant for evil God turned to good because I accept I am called according to his purpose!

Then as I was looking for something to share, God reminded me in my pressing there has and is a transformation in my spirit and my walk. The hardest thing for me, still, are some of the losses I suffered. The hurt is of knowing the things I lost were mostly keepsakes I wanted to give my children are now gone. I can tell them the stories, but the tangible items are gone.

Then I was led to Joel 2:25 -26 “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.” Hold my mule, cause Lexi is about to dance!

As the old tears resurfaced, God place a peace and joy in my spirit. Again, the theme for the year dried those tears with faith in the word, my latter shall be better than my former. That my joy shall be full and my dreams will manifest in the natural.

As long I keep pursuing Him, He will do the rest. I will continue to share, praying someone is helped by my testimony. Then all I kept hearing is the plower shall over the reaper. Amos 9:13-15 “Behold, the days come, saith the Lord, that the plowman shall overtake the reaper, and the treader of grapes him that soweth seed; and the mountains shall drop sweet wine, and all the hills shall melt. And I will bring again the captivity of my people of Israel, and they shall build the waste cities, and inhabit them; and they shall plant vineyards, and drink the wine thereof; they shall also make gardens, and eat the fruit of them. And I will plant them upon their land, and they shall no more be pulled up out of their land which I have given them, saith the Lord thy God.”

What an awesome promise!!! You best believe after this study I have regenerated FAITH!! So I’m done---closing the computer and walking away with a smile! Triumphant Thursday…for real!! Smooches~~

7x70 = WHOLENESS

Yesterday was a very interesting day. My phone service here has made it almost impossible to keep in touch with those who still communicate with me. So when I get phone calls that actually ring on my end I answer. Lately, I’ve been good about keeping my focus and sometimes it takes me a couple of days before I feel I have something to share. So when the few calls that came through I jumped at the chance to be a little idle.

I was taking a break from studying and finally had the chance to view MOB Sunday Night Glory and Prophet Hawley blessed my stockings off. It was as if God had given him a direct line to my heart and mind. It was as if he’d read my blogs for the last month.

This form of confirmation is astounding to me. It shows me just how much God cares for me and this message for me was to keep going and keep listening closely. Understand, I don’t always feel like God should use me because my delivery is not like those currently in the pulpit. I know without any doubt I’m a little unconventional and I tend to be across the street from the box. I know that the wisdom I have is surely a God given gift.

I don’t need a title or to be in someone’s church to do what God has called me to do. It is this time in New Mexico I’m seeing this clearly. I miss being in a good fellowship and my heart longs to take a trip to Fresno and be in service with MOB or a trip to Dallas to go to the Potter’s House just to get that feeling live and not through live streaming.

Just as I was feeling like things were finally changing and I feel secure in my purpose the message from Sunday confirmed all my doubts. Then I get a text message from a number I didn’t recognize. Wait I think I need to back up a little here. In one of my conversations with my everything friend, I had been discussing the lack of communication I have with my older son and how much it is tearing my heart up. The one thing I shared with her is it may not be what I want, but I trust God to deal with him and with me.

It’s difficult to put in a short space the total dysfunction of the relationship I have with my oldest, other than to state that child has kept me before God. My love for him is the greatest love I’ve felt for another human being. I don’t love him more than my youngest, not even close. However this one is part of my cross to bear!

The thing is this child hurt me, once again, more this last time I’d seen him that all I could do is finally allow him to have his way. It wasn’t just his words, but his actions and the timing of those actions that sent me over the edge. When he told me he wanted no part of me and that I was dead to him, this time out of hurt and anger I lost it and told him okay. I told him until he gets himself together I am dead to him. I’d seen a post that said “God may not be done with you, but I am! And believe me that is exactly how I feel about my son.

This was in November and I thought I had let go of most of the anger, but the hurt was still jumping up and down in my heart. Then very loudly I heard “Forgive him again! 7x70” I was like what, not this time Lord, it is clear my son has some issues. In my heart I know the text message was him trying to reach out and when I saw the signature line I knew it was him, but I responded with “Who is this?”. I could feel the anger seeping through. It was after some tears I realized I had not forgiven my son. As I was praying this morning I had to ask God to help me to not to just forgive again, but to forget this one.

Understand I’m not yet sure how to get past this. I want to be there for him, but now I know the relationship I have with him will have to be very different. It made me think about the relationships I have with other blood relatives and I realized I was holding on to the hurtful things. Pushing them out of my life because of the pain and hurt they represent and not allowing God to sweep all these things from my heart. It makes me wish sometimes my memory wouldn’t be so clear.

It is as I write this I find I have a lot more forgiving to do and mostly I have to stop being so hard on myself for feeling like I do. I know that even though I love them all and would love for things to be better, I’m the one who will have to take that step. Not anything anyone can see, but I need to step into total forgiveness, not just sometimey forgiveness. It is easy to think you’ve forgiven someone until you are face to face with them and all those negative feelings burst through like a tornado.

Pray for me as I walk through the valley of forgiveness and meet me on the other side of wholeness. Wholeness Wednesday!  Smooches~~

Burst my Bubble!

The thoughts of this one have been bubbling around for a long time. My problem has been how to broach the subject and stay true to my beliefs. Pick up your cross has been swirling around all morning. I hope this point is received in all the love I can muster.

The other day I read an article posted by someone I love. Prior to that there was a video I shared from this same person. Now let me share my opinion very briefly. (Okay, I’ll try to share my opinion briefly and yes Uncle Terry your page.) When will we truly become a church and not congregations distinguished by our differences and classification of sin? ‘Not a spot or wrinkle!’

Truth is truth, right? Let me just put it out there like this. To proclaim myself a Christian is my choice, not a declaration of perfection. Letting it be known I choose to follow after Christ as best I can. Working daily to rid my blemishes and iron out my personal wrinkles. Then the swirling began again.

My cross may not be yours, but I choose to pick it up and follow God just as I am. Don’t understand why He chooses to use me, but I’m willing to be used. For me it is a demonstration of my trust and love, seeing Jesus standing cheering me on as I bare my cross.

It is not my desire to crush bubbles, but here is what I’ve learned about this Cross walk; Sin is Sin to God. Churches have put sins in categories and on shelves which have burst from holding burdens which should have been laid at the altar. The problem is we all have judgments about this thing or the other. I can read the word all day and still take three steps and mess up. The beauty of my messing up is most of the time I mess up alone.

The more I realize my relationship is as a daughter, I’m finally learning to see myself as God sees me; from a parental prospective. Not making excuse but hoping to say this gently. When are the words spoken from pulpits really going to start making a difference in behavior?

Now, I hear friends tell me all the time they love reading my stuff, but I have no way to truly measure that admiration. Let me back up one more, I have people in my life whom I love yet, I only see or speak to them through sporadic Facebook interactions. Several people, I hold dear to my heart, are homosexual and love God. I have people who know about some of my vices and they still love me. A few are non-believers, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them and they can’t love me! If I can’t gauge this love towards me how can I know your love for God? Last I looked not part of my pathvocation.

Maybe I’m confused here and would ask for clarity, but if my sin doesn’t stop me from chasing after my means of salvation; what right does anyone have to block my path!? Wait isn’t that what Love is!? Wait isn’t that what God is? Nowhere have I read come only those with serious OCD and have it all together, those are who I’m using.

Hold on, let me just say this while it’s at my fingertips. It’s funny to me how it’s been said God is not a respecter of person, but it is evident the people in his churches are. The justification used by the church is God hates sin! Yes, but not the sinner! Good Lord, we’d all be in serious poopoo if he did huh!?!?

Here is the clincher, my sin is not now nor never will be against you. So how can you hold something against me I’ve not done to you? I’ve got my own cross and not all my stuff is hanging on the cross I bare. What parts of my sin-filled nature I choose to hold in check are those which are easiest to ignore. It’s easy to deny what doesn’t bind me. I’ve not lived under a basket and my eyes have seen some things. Seeing things can bring about thoughts and thoughts…well. CHURCH how can you unbind from a sin if you keep shielding from and backing away from it?

As I was looking for the right scripture to offer I was led to the book of Acts starting about the 20 th chapter and the word ‘bound’ kept pushing to the front and I’ll end my brevity here. In the depictions of Paul we only know of his struggle to serve and follow Christ. His cross was being in and out of bounds. Oh my goodness, his bound were visible! Yet his words and teachings are some of the most widely used verses for many years.

It could be said it was these visible bonds that kept him securely attached to his cross. He didn’t allow what was going on to his body to interfere with his spirit. Yearning and stretching for what was filling his soul and guiding him forward. So, I simply ask is what binds you to be your cross moving you forward or holding you hostage? I don’t expect an answer, but God does! So, I’d say to anyone who questions you, just tell them to get out of your CROSSWALK!!

TYPED-OUT!!!!

Okay putting more of my cards on the blogtable! I saw a post this morning that made me think of the relationship I share with a few select people. I love the variety of levels each of these lifelong connections have been in the building of my character. 

I’ve had some desired bumps and some not so desirable bumps in my journey, yet all are developmental bumps. Well, I found myself waking up in a struggle with doubt trying to smother my faith, oooooweeeee Holy Ghost reaffirmation is P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S!!!!! I have to tell like it comes! The mention of going to a hospital or a Doctor makes the hair on my skin crawl back inside.

It’s not that I don’t admit the aging process is harsher on my physical than my mental acuity (excuse me as I take a moment to exhale some gratitude!). My recent knee flare up had my mind stumbling and collapsing like trying to walk on a floor full of marbles. No sense of direction and every step seems uncertain. Thoughts of the former tried get me to lower my hands.
When the orchestra of God begins to invade your ears, all you can do is lean back and savor the exquisite notes!! The only way to explain it would be to say I was not just feeling the breeze of the heavenly window being opened; I couldn't control the flow!!! Truly Thank – FULL Thursday. Smooches~~

All I know is I cry Abba Father!!

For years from many pulpits I’ve heard God is and should be everything. I’ve learned the many names of God and the role he wants to assume in our lives. As a single woman I was taught to let God by my husband, but as I began to share and study with a friend I realized there is only one reference to God being like a husband and that is in Isaiah 54:4-5. These verses are in reference to a widow who was concerned in how she was going to be receive and perceived. It was a word of comfort offered to her in her widowhood.

Then I began to search more and in each instance (KJV-175 times) of the word husband(man). It made me wonder how the idea of a single woman accepting God as a husband got started and why. This only made me search more. Because to my natural mind this really wasn’t making sense. In the natural the roles of a husband are set and I know some men in romantic relationship want the woman to call them “Daddy” at certain times and it is accepted. I’ll admit I’ve done it myself, but there was always a part of me that felt weird about it.

Now in my head the thoughts towards my father are very different than those I would have about a man in my life. It showed me how distorted some of the old teachings have been and how important it is to read the word, chapters in their entirety, and not just selecting a verse and tailor it to suit a point being conveyed.

Then it occurred to me somewhere the dissemination of the word, Matthew 25 and the parable of the ten virgins was distorted to try to keep young single women chaste until marriage. Ha, see how that worked out! This again was an example of why it is important to read and get an understanding for yourself. It is great to be under a good shepherd, but they are not infallible. After many years I’ve found that a good message doesn’t always mean the whole truth has been spoken.

My desire is to know the truth and one I can live with. Not to be self-righteous or to prove a point, just to have a better relationship with God, I needed to have a clear delineation of what this relationship should be like. I think a lot of women may have the same problem I had, but I hope to help someone today. One thing I know for a fact if you don’t know your place or position in a relationship it’s easy to move away from it or destroy it.

A few things I think about when I think about my earthly father are: he disciplined me, he provided for me, he loves me, he was an example of what I should be and sometimes not be, and he usually gives me sound advice. I love my father, trust him and depend on him, just as I do God, to always be there.

To settle my mind I found 1 Peter 3:6 which began to settle what my real position is and should be. “Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” Then to further confirm my belief Ephesians 1:5 -6 “Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.” The confirmations don’t stop there, Galatians 4:6-7 “And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, crying, Abba, Father. Wherefore thou art no more a servant, but a son; and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ”

Now, because I have never been married, I can’t really express what a husband should be. I have a list of qualities I’ve asked the Lord for in a husband and funny thing is there are only two things I get from my father I would want in a husband. The rest I would want are all biblical. 1Peter 3:7-11 “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.”

Then I remembered one of my favorite scriptures, Ephesians 3:22-33, clearly gives me a pattern of what I should be and expect as a wife. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

So I stand before God as a devoted and loving daughter waiting on Him to remove the veil for the right Godly man to find me!! Waiting, waiting, waiting Wednesday!! Smooches~~

Moveo~~to~~Action!!!!

In my mind I was ready to share the things I learned about the numbers of “r” words, but I feel led to go in another direction this morning. The thing that was running through my mind all night was motivation. I know there are certain things that can motivate a person and one of the largest motivators in today’s society is money. My favorite thing about God is when he speaks it is always in a still quiet and loving manner.

Well, I don’t have much materially, yet I have a lot of words. In listening to Bishop Jakes it sparked me to try to do better about the one thing I know I have a wonderful God given gift to do. I know that I have a talent and a mind to share with words, but was I really ready to do all that was necessary to do; even when is not a means of income?

When I think about when my boys were young, they were my entire motivation to get up and go to jobs I really didn’t enjoy, but they were a means of providing for my family. It was because I devoted so much of my time to excelling at my jobs, I set my desires and dreams aside to do what I deemed necessary. The one thing I found to be constant during that time is I was totally committed to my employers. I didn’t allow anything, not even pain or illness stop me from doing what I had to do to get that paycheck. Don’t get me wrong even during that time I had a love for God, but I was still trying to do what He promised to do for me. I never allowed him to be my all and all.

So, I had to ask myself what was so different now? Especially now that my sons are no longer dependent on me, what was the thing to motive me to get out of bed each morning? It’s not my current job, it’s not because there is potential for me to make a lot of money at the job, it’s not a romantic relationship and it’s not because my children needed me.

So being alone and single, what is my motivation? Why do I feel it is time for me to take this step of faith and write more? So as I usually do I turned to the dictionary. I looked up motivation - the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior. Etymology - motive, from the Latin verb moveō (“(I) move”), + -ation

Then as I began my morning study I was led to Hebrews 12:1 “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,” Then 1 Corinthians 7:35 “Now I am saying this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but because of what is proper and so that you may be devoted to the Lord without distraction.”

Both of these scriptures were a resounding confirmation of the teaching I had heard on Sunday. Sadly, it took me to be in extreme pain and losing a day’s pay to see that I was still allowing outside factors to keep me from doing what I feel strongly in my heart is for me to do. As I was reading 1 Corinthians I was directed to read the verses 32-34 and it was at that moment I knew without a doubt, I was missing it all in such a large way.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 “I want you to be without concerns. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord — how he may please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the things of the world — how he may please his wife — and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world — how she may please her husband.”

I have to proceed because the purpose of the Word/Christ is so that none will perish due to lack of knowledge. Knowing God has blessed me, beyond what I could have ever thought or imagined, in the area of wisdom and knowledge. So the fact I have remained single to this point is so at this appointed time I must be devoted to my relationship with God. To follow his instruction and do what is the one thing leading my heart, writing and share with anyone willing to read the knowledge given to me.

In order to be devoted to God I need to learn more of him and from him. This means less Facebook, less Netflix and less just being plain distracted. What better psychological factor than being loved by a gracious and merciful God to be motivated. A God who chose me despite my many flaws and wants to use me, even when I feel not worthy. A God who sees fit to wake me each morning refreshed and ready to praise him.

See, I get it - my purpose is clear and now I have to work on keeping my helmet of salvation on as I strive to be pleasing to God. Not running myself ragged because I feel a need to spread His word, but to run patiently the course He has given me. To know He is in complete control no matter what it looks like. To know that I will soon reach His desired end for me. To spend my “free” time learning more of him and share all I glean! Taught a huge lesson Tuesday! Smooches~~

R's For all!

I love when wake up to the voice of the Lord all in my head. Before I even open my eyes His voice sets the tone for the rest of my day!  One thing I’ve learned came from my bestest friend, “Quiet Time” and it has been such a great benefit for my relationship with God.  I spend my first waking hour giving Him praise and then I pray for those I love, don’t know and this country I call home.

I love this time more so on weekends.  Then I get to go into my own, as Fred Hammond new song says, festival of praise. Thankful that I’m doing it solo because sometimes I have to even laugh at myself when I start dancing. Yet, that doesn’t stop me from doing it. I made myself a promise to be more like Paul, Philippians 4:10-13 “I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that once again you renewed your care for me. You were, in fact, concerned about me but lacked the opportunity to show it. I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content — whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

This morning the voice kept telling me to rejoice. As I glanced back over some of the Prophetic proclamations for 2015 and a pattern emerged; restoration and Redemption. SEEMS LIKE I was back in school, but instead of R’s of academia, I found the R’s of 2015. The one thing I’ve seen to be true in this walk is you can’t trust everything you hear.  But I still kept hearing “Rejoice”.  It was after I looked up rejoice –feel happiness or joy, I realized what the Lord was telling me.

Because of my past brokenness I had become stagnate and was settling for just being “content”, but God wanted me to expand my feelings. I have no idea where God is leading me in 2015, but I do know there has been a shuffling in my spirit. It’s not just about giving him praise, but the directive for me was to rejoice. This wasn’t something that was going to be easy because, although I’m grateful and thankful, I wasn't feeling happiness or joy nor could I see in my present circumstances a reason to rejoice.

One thing resonated in my spirit was hope of being redeemed and for restoration. Then when I thought about what I was hearing ten days into this year; Rejoice makes so much sense. It was as if positive “R” words were buzzing around in my head; repent; reverence; refresh; renewal, revival, rest, and rejoice! Wow was all I could think of at that moment.

When certain things fall into my spirit like this I always begin to dig. In my digging I found the word rejoice can be found (KJV) two hundred fifty-eight times, that is just one hundred and seven short of the days in a calendar year. Then I searched repent and found one hundred seventeen times. Refresh – seventeen, renew – sixteen, revival – fourteen times, rest – three hundred sixty-nine, reverence – fourteen.

My study took me deeper and my background leads me to always look for definitions just to make sure I’m on the right track. Well what I found just made open my heart and mind. I’m not into numerology, but I know there is more to this and will require more study. So now I’m working on finding my joy and working walking this walk as I speak about it. Searching Sunday! Smooches~~.

Note “Quiet Time” by Shari L. Pettiford can be purchased on Amazon.

Untwisted Tongue!!

I’ve been privileged to have a very wide circle of friends as I’ve traveled. One thing that has been plaguing me is how easy it is to slip into bad behavior. Then as I was praying the one thing that kept running through my mind is, “It’s okay, just repent”. Then I began to lean to my own understanding and then I heard very clearly, “Stop using my grace and my love as an excuse to continue to commit sin. See, in my leaning I was stretching the last half of Psalms 119:11 “Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.”

This now forced me to take a long look at who I was surrounding myself with, how I was walking into my ministry and if I was failing my God miserably. I could and have used the excuse that Moses was a murder, David was an adulterer and a murderer, Paul was a crooked tax collector; yet God still saw fit to use them. Well one thing I know is I love the Lord and my strongest desire, even above my writing, is to serve him!

It is easy to memorize scripture and quote scripture, but in my getting I’m finally getting the understanding. Colossian 1:9 “For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;” I know that for some the only bible or example of Christ they’ll ever know is by watching my actions and reactions.

How in the world had I allowed the old (wo)man to resurrect? When in my heart I believed back in 1989; Romans 6:6 “Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.” I wore this scripture out repeating it, hoping and praying I could be a better example. Before I had even realized or accepted God had called me according his purpose, I wanted and strived to be a good girl.

My desire was to be able to fulfill John 14:12 ” Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.” Because I believed, I wanted to be able to follow after Christ, cast out demons, heal the sick and bring others into salvation.

I didn’t want to be like the fig tree and not bear fruit at the appointed time. I knew the only way to do that was to hunker down and yet here I was some twenty-five years later and it seemed I was no closer to being pleasing to God nor really ready to call myself ready for the ministry.

Because my struggle was being able to keep my steps and behavior in line with the woman I wanted to be. I won’t try to blame my failures on the devil or peer pressure, but my lack of self-discipline. It became apparent every year I studied that the word is more accurate than anything I’d ever tried to learn. My biggest issue now was how I was conducting myself and how my language usage was less than acceptable for me, let alone God.

Again, my desire was to not just talk the talk, but truly walk the walk. 1 Peter 3:10-12 “For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.”

I have chosen to ask a friend to help keep me accountable and now I fully understand Mark 7:15 “There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man” So no matter how difficult or how weird or peculiar I may seem I purpose to no longer allow my peers or environment to keep me defiling the beautiful temple God has blessed me with. Working every day to tame the mightiest member James 3:5-6 “Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell”.

Because the word is a source of hope I found peace and sound instructions, I now have a wonderful directive to keep in my head as I work on matching my walk with my talk. James 3:8-13 “But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh. Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.”. Fixing it Friday! Smooches~~

Walter Hawkins & The Love Center Choir-Never Alone

Out Of The Mouth Of My Baby!

My year has started out with multiple challenges and I have to admit these challenges gave me pause. I tried to figure out why, what and how I was going to make it through this test. Just when a wonderful opportunity presented itself, my means to move into this opportunity were being diminished.

To say I accepted this blow with grace and faith would be an outright lie! For a moment I was drenched with fear, sadness, and immense doubt in the vision God gave me about this year. These challenges are not insurmountable, but it made opportunity seem to be being pulled out of my grasp. The chance to do the one thing I love is all I’ve been asking God to give me.

These last few years I’ve had many hours of self-reflection in trying to determine what my true purpose is and why I wake up every day. Admittedly, it seems each time I feel I’m getting closer to accomplishing a goal the challenges or distractions cause me to slip into complacency. The vigor in which I was trying to move into my purpose or what I perceive as my purpose was becoming stunted.

I’ve known since I was a little girl I was meant to write and teach. The games we played I was always the teacher. I would make up homework sheets and lesson plans. As a young girl I always knew I was smart and school was pretty easy for me. It makes me smile when I reminisce of the days when my older sister would have me help her with her homework. The one memory that sticks out is when my sister was in high school taking French, she had me help her. I had no business at ten years old doing that, but I found it was easy.

For so many years I tried to be like my sister until she reminded me she was the pretty one and I was the smart one. Yes, I was a chunky geek or nerd and did whatever I could to try to fit in. It never occurred to me these things were a gift I should be proud of. Mostly, because I was ostersized by my peers and disassociated myself from family because I never felt a part of them.

All of this made me a veracious reader. One of my favorite classes was Mrs. Edwards’ Library Class because it gave me access to books about everything. I devoured Greek mythology, Egyptian, German, Roman and African American History. At one point I wanted very much to be an archeologist, but my knee issues dashed that.

Sorry I digress, anyway I was feeling a little hopeless and discouragement was trying to creep in. Then I was watching Bishop TD Jakes and hope began to bubble as the tears began to fall. I had to figure out what was holding me back from walking into my destiny. His message was just what God ordered to help me refocus and revive my thought process.

The blessing and signs didn’t stop there. A couple of hours later I get a call from my pride and joy, my baby boy. This child of mine has always been a source of strength for me and this conversation was no different. My son became the parent and the encourager I needed at this moment. He reminded me not to allow anything to crush my dreams! He shared his testimony of getting his car after five years of stating he would have it. His positive outlook made me so proud of him and renewed my heart. He reminded me of all the times I had shared a few of my desires and how they came to pass.

All I kept hearing in my head was my favorite scripture Isaiah 40:31. So, I will continue walk and not faint and soon, very soon I will soar like an eagle as I wait on God to fulfill his words to me; that my dream shall be fulfilled in 2015. Stepping Sunday! Smooches~~

Social media mess!

It is the third day of a new year and I’ve got so much on my mind and my heart, I don’t have any idea where to start. One thing about a new year is the ability to try to get a foothold on the things which were hindrances the year before. At least that is my intention as I begin each year.

One thing very frustrating for me is the whole social media rage. When I joined Facebook six years ago it was all about connecting with people from my past and keeping in contact with new friends. The other side of social media was a way to connect with strangers with the enticing juvenile games.

As time progressed social media has become a stream of anti-political musings, blatant displays of witchcrart, disturbing media events, degrading exhibitions performed by children, instruments of misguided worship reducing God’s abilities to chain posts, disguised pornography, and platforms of ignorance. In case it is not obvious, I’ve become completely disillusioned by most social media sites.
I don’t expect many share my views, but I feel very strongly about how misguided our society has become. I have to admit I’ve been fighting off despair about the future. However, as I was praying and communicating with God this morning I realized this is definitely not my battle.

I don’t have the equipment to fight against the masses, but I can still make my beliefs known without shame or fear. It has also made my relationship with God grow to depths I never imagined. My desire to share what I’ve gleaned from the more intense studies is heightened. The urgency to share the goodness seem more important when the newsfeeds are so disheartening.

In my study this morning, I saw my prayer answered and found a peace to watch and pray. “For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;” Titus 2:11-12 KJV

That verse says it all for me today. Sober Saturday!! Smooches~~

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Bringing in the year with snow on the ground and I’m drawing a blank. 2014 wasn’t horrible. As a matter of fact it was better than the previous five. So gratefully, I emerge into 2015 recovered, renewed and ready.

As I reminisced through 2014’s experiences it occurred to me, I passed more tests than I realized I had endured. As I do end of every year I go over my budget to see how far I veered. As I was doing it I could hear where you spend the most is where your real love is.  Glancing at my expenses and my income I got a good early morning laugh. The testing of my finances brought about a lot more faith in provisions because I was still in the black. For those who deal in finances you want to be running in the black.

It made me know beyond a doubt, this chick has matured!! I won’t sit here and say I’ve reach some pinnacle of spiritual awareness and puff my feathers, but truth is I’m extremely proud of my spiritual growth. I promised myself when I first left Michigan I would harbor no regrets.

Waking into 2015 I give thanks to God with a new song! Oh, how many year beginnings did I shout that same thing and usually a few days later have my head hanging to the ground?  Well, my year has already starting out with a physical challenge I’d rather not have to contend with.  The irritation of not having a vehicle for now six years was high when the challenge was presented; immediately I asked for strength to do what is required. I look at it this way, either the pain will be tolerable, or pain meds will be provided or God will heal my physical malady.

I’m proud of my commitment to keeping my faith level greater than a mustard seed. This is not a time for me to trust in sayings, but to build my faith and try my best to do as prescribed.  “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.”  1 Corinthians 10:31. We’ve all used to encourage others saying things like ‘if he brought you to it, he’ll bring you through it’. Well if anyone said that to me a few days ago there could have been some ouches shouted.

Being tired of something will somehow give you a strange determination. It makes me think maybe that is how David felt when he stood ready to fight Goliath. Tired of being bothered by the same thing over and over again; pestered like having a fly buzzing around your head. Annoyed doesn’t even truly describe and it makes me think about R.Kelly’s song, “When a Woman’s Fed Up”.  The untapped source of strength burst through like water from a broken pipe.

As I was praying in the New Year is was like my mind was a movie screen and I was shown all that was being prepared for me in 2015.  The vision was like watching my list of hopes being checked off month after month. My heart and mind calmed in the peace of restoration and recovery. Knowing God loves me enough to finally open up a door to more knowledge of Him. I’m not afraid to admit sometimes I’m bold enough to tell God his ways can frustrate me to no end. I know I’m probably the only one who has shouted to God they were sick of waiting for the right on time!

I rejoice in the confirmations of the vision that came all day long yesterday. All I could think of is trusting God is frustrating to my flesh, but my spirit is soaring on wings of eagles and ready for a year of walking in the latter rain with no umbrella or boots. I pray a brighter revelation of Jesus for those seeking him. I pray a New Year of renewed hope; vivid dreams and spiritual broadening. Happy 2015!!! My year of fulfilling my dream! Thrilled to be following Christ Thursday! Smooches~~

From January 2014

I spent the weekend going through my journals and I found this was necessary to share again. 

From January 2014 - As I was sharing with my friend about how some days it was very difficult being saved and single, it began to make sense more why I kept hearing “this broken vessel” yesterday.  When I made a decision to keep myself for my potential husband, I was also in the beginning stages of God healing me from recent hurts and many of the past hurts I had closed up in a hope chest; waiting for a chance to throw them away for good.  The best way to describe how I was feeling is to give this visual. A puzzle with only the edges pieced together, but even all the edges were not yet connected.  The middle of 2013 the edges had finally been connected and the insides were slowly being put in the proper place.  As a single woman it is not easy for me to go through some things alone.  Not that I am lonely, it would just be nice to have a strong Godly man to lean on so I can be the weaker vessel. Because I have been single pretty much my entire adult life, it was getting pretty old crying on my own shoulder, or that of one of my life long girlfriends.  I am thankful for all of them, but I’m just saying it would be nice have a man to tell me everything would be alright.  I’ve never been one to not have men pursuing me and the ones I allowed to catch me would have to really be something special.  Even the ones that were allowed to be close would be only allowed certain access to any parts of me.  But the ones who made the cut, so to speak, knew they were not husband material for me. Yeah, I said it, there are men out there I actually told they were not husband material.  Because even in my disobedience I knew I needed to be with a disciplined man of God; with whom I was equally yoked in every aspect!!  Anyway I said all that to say the last relationship, physical, was now four years ago and I was still not healed.  I was still nursing the wounds and missing the man I thought I loved.  I walked away because our lives were set on different sides of the country.  He loves the south and I hate it.  I love the west coast and he didn’t want to leave the life he had in the south.  Of the four years I spent two of them crying pretty much every day. By the third year the tears had lessened, but when they did come they would last for a few days. It was this morning in prayer the Lord told me I needed to sever that soul tie.  The Lord also told me that until I let go of the hurts and let him be the bond in the cracks of my heart; then I would only draw men who were not husband material.  Because I’m not getting younger and I want to have a loving physical relationship with my husband I asked the Lord to help me understand and how to fix this mess I was in.  I refuse to live another year all strewn out on a table waiting with unconnected edges.  The answer I received was so clear and so precise it made me laugh.  Pool of Bethesda!!  God let me see the angel stirring up the pool and told me very clearly all I needed to do was to cut and dip. So I closed my eyes and ceremonially I saw myself cut the soul tie with that man and I ran to the pool and slowly submerged myself.  Well I will let you know how things turn out because I’m still submerged.  I want to make sure the water gets into every crack, hole and pushes through blockages.

Dream a little dream!

While I was enjoying the solitude and my CSI Miami marathon yesterday, I couldn’t help but praise God for all joy and peace I now have. The best part of spending time in praise is the download of wisdom. My heart and my mind were setting an exhaustive pace. It was as if I could see the open door before me hear a voice tell me it was time to walk through it.

Routinely, logon to my Pandora station first song was “We Acknowledge You” and my scripture for the day is 2Timothy 2:15 but not in KJV “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.”

It was like music to my ears when I heard clear as a bell, follow me and I will lead you to your dream in 2015. I reached up my hands and said “Yes, I will follow and I’m ready to take my rightful position. No matter how difficult. I’m standing with my shield of faith held high. Knowing all the wisdom given to me these last few years has made me ready for the step.

For years I felt as if the only thing I could use to carry me through was the knowledge that God understood because of Proverbs 13:12” Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Because He is aware of the losses; heartache; path changes; slip ups; failures; successes and the feelings of being inadequate.

Not wanting to accept that I was the only thing keeping my destiny from being complete. I was allowing my thoughts of what my mirrored reflection made visible through my impaired vision. Not applying Philippians 4:13” I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”, ignoring “Whom he calls He equips”

The freedom of reaching my hands in praise and my vision was wide opened. Following him and being able to know without a doubt God had hear my cries and turned my sadness into joy. Peace flooded my soul, reassured my steps are ordered by God. Knowing I was more open to his voice than ever before.

With a renewed sense of self and purpose I heard the voice that has been my compass for so long, tell me clearly keep following me and I will lead you to your dream in 2015. With a renewed attitude, with no regrets of yesterday, moving towards a hope deferred with a healthy heart. Hoping many will come along for the ride. Fixed Friday! Smooches~~

My Gift!

It seems only appropriate to give all Praise and Honor to Jesus today, after all this day is supposed to be about his birth. As I celebrated with friends yesterday, I realized once again this season is all about the opening of our hearts and spreading those feelings on to the ones who share our lives.

More than sharing, giving, receiving, and eating goodies. More than singing the traditional Christmas Carols. This is a day set aside to give extra thanks to the one who gives me hope and life.  The one thing I feel led to share is this:

Jesus is not in the Manger

Jesus is not on the Cross

Jesus is alive in my heart, mind and soul and I do my best to share all that He’s blessed me to share. I don’t have great financial wealth, but I have exceedingly above amounts of Love and compassion!

As I watched the sun come up, I found myself singing, not a Christmas Carol, but “We Acknowledge You” by Karen Clark-Sheard. It was as I was dipping my tea bag, I accepted fully why I’m here. My ministry is to share all the spirit endows in the words of knowledge.

I’m not here to tickle the ears, I’m here to shift the mind sets and bring about a change in the lives of those who want to know more. I love the Lord with all my heart and it is this love that allows me to open more and more to his voice and the knowledge He gives.

Allowing my mind to drift to the tests which have become many testimonies of hope, faith and love, I find a deeper Love of God for me. When I think about this love it makes taking steps of faith even easier. It makes me want not just more of Him, but to be more like Him every day.

One thing I’ve become used to is this is not an easy task. My heart goes out to those who have dedicated their lives to spreading the Gospel, the sacrifices they must make, and the ridicule they withstand.

Some think the confession of faith means all of a sudden you are to be flawless, but the truth is the flaws make us more useful to God. The demonstration of God using the foolish to confound those who believe themselves to be wise. Those who judge everything by a barometer only they are in possession of and a platform they themselves can’t even measure up to.

It used to bother me when I’d make a human error and the harsh voices saying, “Well just what kind of Christian are you?” My answer to those who feel I’m not able to make mistakes or succumbed to my flesh because of my bold proclamation of faith of an unseen God – I was born in sin and shaped in iniquity, but I press towards being a better human being and sharing the lessons I’ve learned as I strive to be more like the Savior I follow.

When I proclaim I’m a Christian it is not to boast or brag, not to be held up to a different standard, but to do all I can to overcome my weaknesses and my flaws. Not even to strive for perfection because I know there is none perfect but the father.  Submitting my whole self to a Life giving God who has kept me here to fulfill my purpose in giving him my first fruits and my complete love and devotion, even in the midst of my pain, sin and moments of diminished faith.

I want to encourage everyone to keep running the race and hold fast your profession because only He can and will judge your end! To that end, I wish everyone a Glorious and Merry Christmas! Smooches~~

Tis the TRUTH about Christmas!

Today I want to discuss one of my pet peeves about the celebration and the hoopla of Christmas. First let me deal with the Manger. It is a beautiful sentiment and it pains me that not one Christmas pageant tells the story correctly. Again, the world has dominated a biblical event and distorted the truth and the complacence of Christians have allowed this lie to be told year after year.

The images of the birth of Jesus are of Mary and Joseph in an open manger and gifts being presented by three kings. Well if you’ve ever read Matthew chapter 2 and Luke chapter 2, it would be obvious how off these images are.

Luke chapter 2 tells of the birth of Jesus and the first to come to the manger were shepherds. They brought no gifts other than their praise and gave glory to God. There is no mention anywhere in this chapter that says they followed the star, they were told of the birth by Angels.

Matthew chapter 2 tells the story of the wise men and how Harod brought these men and requested they return once they found this young child so he could worship. When the wise men saw Jesus they went to the house of Mary and Joseph where they presented three specific gifts.

These two stories have been intertwined and distorted to what is now a mainstay in the Christmas pageantry of today. Then to top it off, this story has been linked with the practices of Paganism. What Christians don’t realize is the history of how Christians got mixed in with the Pagans.

History tells us that in the attempts to convert the Pagans to Christianity they incorporated some of the traditions as a way of giving comfort and show their willingness to combine the Pagan practices and traditions.  The integration of the tree comes from 17^th century German traditions.

These practices are so readily accepted because the beliefs are considered similar, but in truth Christianity has invited Paganism/Witchcraft into a day which should be holy and set aside to give thanks for the birth of Christ.

I must admit when my children were young I enjoyed doing all the hoopla and presenting gifts to glean the laughter, joy and fun for my children. To see the excitement in their eyes and receiving all the hugs and thanks made me feel good.  What I never thought about was the truth.

The tree is acceptable because somewhere the cross is sometimes referred to as the tree Jesus was hung on.  My question today is when are Christians going to stop conforming and start transforming the world to the truth of God and his goodness?

Because I have not yet shaken off these traditions and am going to spend time with friends in celebrating. If you are really wanting to worship God in spirit and in truth; I admonish you to take the time to do some research and soul searching for yourself. Wrecking myths Wednesday. SMOOCHES~~

Wake-up Call!

It is amazing what comes from spending time in prayer and studying the Word. The news has been bombarded with hate and killings; race being the motivator. All I keep hearing over and over again is pray. Then I heard, it is time for the dead in Christ to rise. 1Thesselonions 4:16 “For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:”

I read this scripture and asked the Lord why he was pointing me to this particular verse. What I heard shocked me and made me think really hard. All I kept hearing is the dead in Christ must rise. This really threw for a loop because I had always been taught this verse was pertaining to the end times. Then I heard this is the end times and it is time for the dead in Christ to rise.

If you are asking what the heck I’m talking about, let me try to explain all that I heard. For the last three decades there has been a serious amount of death in the church. The shepherds have been doing exactly what Jesus was angered by when he went a little ballistic in the Temple. Matthew 21:15-16 “And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves, And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.”

The larger church leaders are not just standing in the pulpit teaching, most are writing ministry helps books, touring around the world teaching and selling their goods. Don’t get me wrong, I admire some of the prominent Preachers and Teachers, but the truth is the truth. No matter how anyone tries color it the Church has taken on too many of the characteristics of the world. Many even confess from the pulpit that church is a business. Romans 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

The other side of it is because a Church is considered a Non-profit, unless the Leader has a LLC, or Corporation, etc., for the items being sold they are then doing exactly as Jesus said, making the house of God a den of thieves. We have to abide by the laws and rules of the land, but bending them will make us no better than how the world perceives Christians.

Let me preface what I’m about to share with one thing, I tithe and don’t believe it is always about money. If the church would wake up then there would be less hurting and struggling members. If some of the mega churches took some of the funds and followed the guidelines set for us in Malachi 3:10-12. The church should be a place not just for us to worship and praise God, but it should also be a place for the needy to come get the needs met.

From personal experience I found this not to be so with a few of the mega churches. I personally was in a situation with my children and when I sought help from two of the mega churches and was told by one because I wasn’t a tithing member they couldn’t help; the other told me they would help but I’d have to attend a four week class for membership. Both ministries did offer to pray for me, but at that point I needed a place for me and my children. I was hurt and thankfully the prayers helped, but the hurt…hummm.

Now if as a Christian I was turned away and felt extremely discouraged and disappointed; I can only imagine what a non-believer must feel and think about Christians. To be honest, it is only my thinking, if the church did what it was intended to do we’d have no need for the billions of nonprofit agencies or wait until December to have the “Spirit of Christmas”.

Wake up Christians!!! Jesus came for us to have life and we are walking around like Zombies and going through motions dictated by misconstrued information. Focused on material gain and keeping up with the media propaganda. Keep in mind being dead is not just being in the grave, but being dead to the needs of other, dead to giving, dead to truth and dead to joy. Too many are sleep among us and when you're asleep you are not praying. Praying for the conditions in our country and putting faith into action and doing the right things for Jesus without expecting something in return.

This made me think about WWJD fad that sprung up a few years ago. If you ask me I think Jesus would once again weep. I think he would tare through some of these churches and tell them to get it together. We need to find a way to not just cross over the color line but the denomination lines and find a way to be united in these perilous times.

I’ll end my rant here and hope not to offend, but truth is truth and offences will come. If I’m incorrect, then I ask the Lord to correct my thinking. The thing here is for the last few days all I keep hear is it is time for the dead to rise and the sleeping to wake up. So, Ephesians 5:14Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.  Truthful Tuesday. Smooches~~

Not My Battle!

As the holiday approaches I’m still fighting to keep my tears at bay. It’s not easy to go into a holiday set aside to give Glory for the birth of my Savior when there is so much in the news about the still ever present racial divide on this earth.

The hardest thing about recent events is I believe in my heart the issue of race will never be eradicated. It is in the news here in the US every day, but there are issues in other countries as well.

I’ve searched and searched for an answer as to why there are specific races or religious groups feel supreme. Being African American makes me feel like Justice is just not for us all the time. I’ve been really silent about all these recent events and maybe have been in denial just a little. Maybe because I’ve been blessed to have not been touched so often by racism.

The part about all of this is the lack of unity of religious groups. The fault lies hundreds of years ago when men used religion to imprison, to start wars and to control.  Historically, the biggest culprit of bastardizing the word is the Catholic Church. The early Popes concern was not about spreading love and teaching of God, but of keeping people under their thumb, gaining wealth and notoriety.

It isn’t a surprise oppression brought out rebellion and birthed scholars like Martin Luther and john Calvin bringing forth anger and causing a divide. The beginning of discord began well before the idea of religion even came into play. If the truth be told Cain and Able were the start of men becoming enemy with one another.

The root of the enmity in most cases is the based in jealousy and covetousness. Wars fought because one man or group don’t want another to supersede them. The results were wars and battles were riches, but not the intention of the battle. Since my goal is to speak truth and to so that truth through the word.

It could be said the divide became greater when Nimrod, a great hunter before God, began to believe he was a great or greater than God, Deuteronomy 10:9. It was his actions that caused God to be angered to the point all language became confounded.

The Philistines because of one man Goliath, felt superior because of his size. He taunted and bullied the Israelites and a war was being fought. This wasn’t ever a fair fight for the Israelites, but they stood their ground and God proved to men that size doesn’t mean victory.

The one thing I’ve found to be prevalent throughout the word is the one thing the devil has been successful at doing; causing division, separation and strife with God’s creation. The devil didn’t stop there and he gained a foothold from the very beginning when he caused Eve to take from the tree of knowledge.  God told Satan because of this act and his jealousy, Genesis 3:17 there would always be strife. It seems to me the devil took it one step further and by the looks of things he has been successful. Our world is full of bigotry, racial divide, hate, hopelessness, hostility and greed.

All of this has cause tremendous doubt in there being a God. One thing I have faith in is that God is in control. I’ve heard time and time again, there is nothing new under the sun and God changes not Hebrews 13:8.

So I don’t have to get all worked up about things God is taking care of. These things will continue and probably get worse before it gets better, but this is not my battle and my job in this mess is to pray. To believe with all my heart Isaiah 57:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

I may feel the sorrows of the events occurring around me, but I have faith no matter what happens; 2Corinthians 10:3-5.  For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

 So to be obedient and follow the instructions I’ve been given, I am praying without ceasing and trusting this battle will be as God has planned. Made up mind Monday! Smooches~~

Holiday Love

Soul sore steps taken!

     Sometimes it is necessary to allow yourself to purge, whether it be physical or emotional.  I had made a choice to find a way to no longer suppress my sadness, I wanted to shake off the funk. Then taking the steps for what has become my usual Sunday routine, got my tea, had my bible and was tuned into The Potter’s House. This Sunday many church leaders have banded together and the theme “Black Lives Matter”. That touched me, but the Christmas pageant sent me over the edge of grief.

      One thing as a mother I’ve learned is all my sacrifices were not for my children, but for myself. For me to learn to give unconditional love without expectation. To love my sons and do whatever I felt needed to be done for their happiness. I spoiled them, made them angry and I did the best I could to make sure they were satisfied.

      They will never know the sleepless nights and tear filled days I have had praying and worrying about them every minute. What I realized is I did have expectations for all that I did for my children.  I guess somewhere along the way I should have told them, right?

      I had made a decision last night this sadness and lonely feeling had to stop. I am blessed to be in a place where I have loved ones, but being resistance to change I wanted what I thought I wanted. I wanted to be with my sons in California where the closest thing to family I have is. Not knowing how else to handle my feelings I allowed myself to slip back into a few bad habits to hide from the emotional distress.

      What brought me to my knees was a part of the Christmas pageant when the mother was at the Alter and the son was in hell screaming at her for not saving him. And it hurt my heart because I have been that mother for thirty years trying to save the soul of my first child that I love more than I can even explain.

     The child that has kept me on my face before God asking for a change. The one man who has hurt me time and time again, yet I still cry for his soul and still forgive and love him.  The first born child that I let down because I wasn’t able to heal his broken heart because mine was already in tatters when he was born.

      The pains bursting with every memory of a past Christmas, Sunday morning hustles, cuddling and watching movies, rubbing a head to soothe a bad day and cooking meals knowing there would be no leftovers. Then to make it seem worse, I was feeling like I, once again, disappointed God because of my inability to keep up with a blog. A simple task, but not having enough energy to put any of what I study down for anyone.

       Despair and despondence my cloak when I am alone. Hoping the prayers and tears have touched God’s heart. Knowing I can start over again, but isn’t that we all do every day? Thankful for each new mercy and grace God supplies.  Finding no comfort in the foods I’ve used to soothe my hurting soul.

      The only thing keeping me from falling into a pit of disappointment is my sincere desire to serve God and to help others. Not for fame or fortune seeking only to hear when I meet him face to face. “Well Done Lexi”. Yet here I am sitting here not even sure if I’m going in the right direction.

It was after I had my own little praise service, I heard clearly; why are you trying to convince yourself you failed?  Feelings of frustration loomed from not seeming to be reaching anyone other than myself. Was it my goal to have a lot of followers or was it my goal to get to the truth for myself? 

      The day was speeding by, but gladly while watching Bishop Jakes admit that during his journey he had many moments of wanting to quit. I knew taking this step would bring about challenges and I thought I was prepared, but not as much as I thought. I was so excited about the opportunity to share until I realized no one was reading. Again, feeling like this was all just wasted time and energy, but there was something inside that keeps me pushing forward. Pushing past the pain, pushing past feelings of inadequacy, hoping that I’m able to touch one person than I will have done what I set out to do,   

      So putting me aside, I will keep plugging along with the hopes someone out there is encouraged. Struggling Sunday! Smooches~~