What the World Needs - My Soapbox

For the first time I feel led to speak out about a few things that have had my blood boiling for way too long. I love being a Black American, but there are so many things about the way things are going that sometimes embarrass or even sicken me.

I love being in this country and relish the fact I have freedoms some countries are yet fighting for. I was blessed to be a recipient of the freedoms I have as a black female. I am grateful for those who fought, were beaten, jailed and died for me to enjoy the freedoms that I have. I guess that is what makes me slightly different from an immigrant who comes here to enjoy the freedoms that come with being born an American. I was born here and yet my freedoms came at a very high cost.

What is not looked at or taken into consideration is we have allowed the people who lead our nation to funk it up!! Okay, an example of a pet peeve for me is some of the holidays we have that are federally supported, but the feds want to keep God, the one who we honor on our money, out of every place except the church. One of the main freedoms and much of the reason the first settlers came here for was for religious freedoms and to break from the staunch and corrupt ways of the catholic church.

One of my biggest pet peeves is our social services systems structure. What many forget is it was this system that told its users a family with both parents was not allowed and the only way to receive assistance was for the man to be out of the home. Making single mothers and absent fathers acceptable and necessary in order to keep housing and food.

Then not only was this help came at a tremendous cost to African American families. They made it so difficult to get ahead making those needing the help begin to figure out ways to manipulate or defraud the system just to keep their heads above the quick raising water. Yes, some things have changed, but too much-too little-too late. The defrauding is so deeply ingrained many wouldn’t know how to do it honestly if they tried. It is now socially acceptable to be a single parent and absent fathers are much too prevalent.

Another pet peeve of mine is the fact our government became the discipline police. Now some may think this is way off base, but here is my opinion. Once slavery was abolished, it suddenly became unlawful to strike, hit or whip children because of the psychological affects it had on the child. Where was all this psychological concern when grown men and women were struck, whipped and hanged as a means of discipline? Really, some things we allow are more than ass backwards, they are just ludicrous. I am all for discipline and stood against the system when they tried to take my children out of my home because I whooped that behind!!

Now we have Senators and Congressmen who make a career of an office, their living off the backs of hard working Americans, yet won’t fight for the changes and the things those same people are screaming to change. Then they are talking about dismantling Social Security, but not saying they are willing to give up the lifetime pay the will receive once they release their hold on the office. Even though most of them have a savings account that could possibly fed and clothe three families of four for at least a year.

We have convinced the world we have it all together, but in reality we are falling apart from the infrastructure out. Two of the most ironic things to me are the man who was in charge of the FBI for years was a tyrant and a bigot, yet his name graces the building of one of the most respected law enforcement agencies.

Then once a year we celebrate a man who landed by accident in this country performed the first hostel take over without recompense to the dwellers and call him a hero. The stories of how this man, through an error, discovered America when there were already thousands of people living here and doing quite well. Had it not been for the natives here the early settlers would have starved to death.

Our government when confronted with certain wrongdoings have made reparations with the Native Americans, the Japanese after the “Yellow Peril”, yet after kidnapping and enslaving Africans for two hundred plus years, the struggle for many Americans of African descent are very real and heartbreaking. People of color are still facing abject poverty and other characteristics that are linked to poverty.

One last thing really, really annoys me is how this Hip-hop generation has created a subculture where the English language is being reduced to acronyms, punctuation is almost nonexistent, vulgarity is normal and accepted. This just my prospective and not looking for an argument or to change anyone’s mind. Just felt led to express myself.

When will the real Christians stand up and pray for the leaders and those with power to make change? Well, all I know is these are the things on my daily prayer list and by faith I hope God hears the cries of one wailing woman!

Coming Soon!

Thought for today!

My trials didn’t make me stronger, but left me with battle scars.  Scars still tender to the touch and makes me wonder if the God I serve has ever heard my cries.  Although I realize, he was always by my side; especially when the tears filled my eyes.  Helping me release my pride and turn to humility because I know how he sees me.  Not things which may have me in a stronghold.  Not the mistakes I’ve made along the way.  He sees me in a very special way.  He sees me as he created me.  Whole, not broken.  Faithful, not faithless. Loved not despised, He sees me through Jesus’ eyes!

I'm back and chipping away LACK!

I’m back for a brief moment. Manuscript has been submitted and I feel like a weight has been removed. Now I wait for the edits from my publisher. So this is a break in the pressure, but only a short one.  Now to work on some of the other things I've been putting off because of uncertainty and self-doubt. 

Now, for an update on my spiritual health all good. My struggles are mostly financial, but not life threatening. Now the stress has taken a toll on my health and my emotions, but this too shall pass. The most difficult thing for me is I have been tithing and sowing and now my storehouse is empty. Hmmmm…I must be doing something right! However, I laugh in the Devil’s ugly face with this trick.

I’ve been here before and I know God has heard my prayers and will keep his promise of no more lack for me. This is just a short term circumstance. The most difficult thing about being on empty is not being able to provide for my own personal stuff. That along with having my children call needing me and I’m not able to do anything but hear their issue and cry because I can’t do anything to make it better except prayer.

In a conversation with my oldest son yesterday, I was blessed and for the first time in my life I truly feel like a Proverbs 31 woman. In the conversation I was having with my baby, something he said brought me to tears of joy and affirmation. I’m trying figure out how to explain how to share the comments he made without telling too much of his personal business.

Basically, my son told me during an argument he told someone he couldn’t understand their circumstances or their reasoning. Because his Momma, did whatever she had to take care of him and his brother. My Momma walked away from two abusive men, but never left her children behind. He told this person, he didn’t understand weak women because all he saw growing up was a strong woman. A single mother that raised him right and taught him to be a real man all on her own.

Then he said to me he was proud to be my son and I did a good job raising him even with all the stuff he got into. He told me he was glad I was a tough disciplinarian and he was all the better for it. Well my chest got puffed up and my head blew up just a tiny bit. At that moment, I was filled with joy, pride and stripped away were my fears and regrets of having failed my boys.

My youngest tells me all the time he has no hard feelings about the things we have endured as a family because the end of the day I gave him the best I could. I worried that some of the circumstances my children had to endure had damaged them, but I am amazed at how wise and humble my boys are.

I also realized the blessing in the conversations I had with my boys is if anything does happen to me, I’ve done a good job and have every reason to be proud to have these young men call me Mommy. The greatest lesson I got out of this is sometimes my unanswered request come because my human side is struggling with lack of faith in self; making it difficult to have even mustard seed faith in the God inside of me.

I’ve always said I wanted a closer and stronger relationship with my children than I had with my mother. Well God is not a liar!!!!! He told me he would be there with me for all of it and my sons would rise and call me blessed. I’m so excited that I get to hear how my children see me and I have already given them a really good legacy.

The funny thing about it all is this morning I heard the inner voice tell me it is time to delete the opinions of others that have caused me to belittle my accomplishments as still not good enough. Erase all the self-doubt put upon me by others who torn me down because of their own issues. I’m learning every day how to totally heal that little girl who believes she wasn’t worthy. I heard clearly as I was editing my novel; it’s time to rewrite the script for the little girl and allow her to heal and grow up and WALK BOLDLY INTO HER DESTINY!!

Lexi Is Out Of The Box!!

Yesterday was a very overwhelming day in so many ways. I thank God for so much and as often as I can. Those who truly know me, know I have had knee issues for most of my life. My first visit with a new Orthopedic Surgeon was mentally and emotionally draining. He was very kind, very clear in communicating with me and very empathetic. I listened intently as he showed me my x-rays, pointing out the lack of space between my kneecaps and my leg bones. Telling me what a healthy kneecap should look like, all I could do was be utterly thankful that I am still walking.

I knew, without seeing any x-ray, my condition was bad. Hearing the condition was stage four, my heart skipped a beat, then began to race as he began discussing treatment and ultimately his opinion that total knee replacement was absolutely necessary as soon as possible. Then he began explaining more extensively why it was necessary to have the surgery, but letting me know he wouldn’t force me. He also recommended I see my regular Doctor to have him begin looking at my back because of the misalignment of my knees. I asked if replacement could be put off for five more years, his facial expression and the way he shook his head no, I knew this was more serious than I was ready to accept.

As he was telling about what to expect for the recovery time and physical therapy time frame, my mind flashed back to the twelve year old me. The feeling of being petrified and alone being rolled into an operating room for the first time, crying for my mom, panicking and more frighten than I had ever been. I still remember my Doctor telling me my parents weren’t there, but everything would be okay. The words made no difference and their efforts to calm me were fruitless. Then the doors at the end of the hall opened and in a camel colored full length coat walking swiftly towards us was my step-father. He came to my side, took my hand and said it’s going to be alright, I’m here and will be here when you wake up. After his kissed me on my cheek, I calmed down enough so could finally roll me on to surgery.

After the success of the first surgery I was told all that I would NOT be able to do.  The second surgery went as well as the first and again it was reenforced all that I would NOT be able to do,  I worked hard to rehabilitate and somehow from deep within I found determination to work past this disability. I was told I would not be able to walk long distances, ride a bicycle well, wear high heels, dance, participate in physical education; all of which I did, often with painful consequences.

In high school, I completed the full 20 miles for March of Dimes Walk-a-thon (my feet hurt just as much as the knees on that one, blisters and all). I was a league bowler and loved roller skating. Heck, I even went skiing! I was a cheerleader, a night club waitress and danced every chance I got (most times in high heels). High-heels, please I have big legs and heels worked wonders…LOL I played with my babies.  I crawled around, sometimes painfully, to play and see them smile. When I say I walked, I mean I walked as much as I could. As time passed the pain became more constant and Tylenol was always handy.

Cold weather and rainy weather were my worst enemy. I’d usually fain tiredness rather than admit to anyone the level of pain I was experiencing. Most of the people in my life don’t even know each step I took was a step in pain. That to kneel was excruciating, but I did it at every prayer meeting for as long as I could. There were times I wanted to shout to the world how much pain I was in, but nope not Lexi.

I don’t know about anyone else but living with chronic pain for years and years, but it became a source of my strength. I knew if I could endure this I should be able to endure anything (Believe me, I have. I am just realizing how much I have endured). Since my first surgery, I can honestly say, I have had pain at all levels. Because over the years the only thing Doctors would tell me was to ice when the swelling was bad and prescribe Vicodin for the pain or advise taking some OTC pain reliever. So when this Doctor said the first treatment we were going to try was cortisone shots, yeah I freaked out a little, but I was willing to try anything, except surgery!

The Medical Assistant told me I could expect some pain and possibly some bruising around the injection area. I laughed because pain was my thing…LOL Anyway, I had immediate relief and no pain at the injection sites. It felt so good to get in and out of a car without having winch or groan. It felt good to be able to sit without needing to hold on something. Oh, and getting up was a breeze. I was feeling like I did in my twenties when the pain was slighter.

Being a little bit skeptical, I just knew by evening time I would be right back to cracking and aching. Surprise, surprise as the evening progressed the better I felt. The more I moved my knees the less they ached. Still being skeptical I knew by morning I would be back to what had become normal.

Well low and behold, when I got up to do my middle of the night bathroom visit I jumped out of bed. I mean JUMPED!!! I have not jumped out of my bed in ages, almost forgot what that felt like. When I came back to bed I sat on the edge of my bed and cried. I cried myself to sleep, but these tears weren’t because of pain, but of unexplainable joy.

When I asked friends to pray for me I was actually hoping God would give me a miracle. Well I have what to me is just as comparable. I have no pain and for me this is a long awaited miracle. Now I am going to try to see what long term side effects of cortisone are, because if I can get this much relief after one day, I want to use this method as long as possible. Anything to keep from being cut on again.

I wished I could fully explain what this treatment has done not just for me physically, but emotionally. Even with all the love I have in my heart for God and believe in him, my physical mind was tired. No my mind was exhausted! I have been in more healing lines than I care to think about seeking a touch from God. Well he did, through the hands of this Orthopedic Surgeon.

When I got up this morning I really thought the effects would have disappeared, but Hallelujah – NOT SO! I hope that I can put this in a way even a child can understand. I DANCE LIKE DAVID DANCEd! I mean I did my cha-cha step without pain, I did a spin and a quick slide to the left then the right. AND NO PAIN!!!

I can only speak for myself, but having endured pain for so long it had taken its toll on my emotional state more than I thought. I knew some of the moments of depression stemmed from living with constant pain. I also knew some of my feelings of failure and inadequacies came from being disappointed by unanswered prayers. It seemed the more I asked for a healing the more I hurt.

This sudden release from a chain that had me bound for years opened a gusher of tears and emotions. It wasn’t so much that I’m healed as it is I can endure a little more because I am generally pain free for the first time since I was 12!!! If I could allow you inside my head I think you would be running from all the electrical sparks jumping freely. Okay the best way I think to hammer this point is give an analogy.

The only thing that comes to mind is a jack-n-the-box. The little clown is trapped inside a cramped space and has to rely on someone to crank and crank until the top opens. Out pops the clown and bounces with joy at the new found freedom. With arms outstretched and excited to be released from the object that restricted his vision and movement. Yeah, I would say that is pretty much how I am feeling right about now.

I’m free from the pain that restricted my vision and my movement. I can move about the cabin freely…LOL Pain, no matter if it is for a long period of time or a short period of time, distorts your prospective. Then if you add medications to the equation, more distortion. Sort of like wearing a corset all day and then removing it at bedtime. See, while wearing a corset you can move around, but the feelings of being squeezed is not relieved until the corset is removed. I hope that clears it up a little.

It’s going to be an amazing month as long as this cortisone is giving me relief and mobility! Thank God for the Doctor and the cortisone! Don’t mind me when you see me stop in the middle of the aisle at Walmart and do a little two-stepping. I’m going to dance like David every chance I get!!! NO MORE PAIN = MY GAIN - A FREED MIND AND NOW THE REST CAN FOLLOW! Smooches~~

Take Out the Stopper and Let It Flow!

This morning there were so many things going through my mind as I was watching the beautiful tribute given to Mrs. Jakes. It blessed me to see the love and appreciation shown. It was as their son-in-law started speaking that I heard something even stronger in my spirit.

Now don’t get me wrong, the message was good and I even asked God, ‘Why are you telling me this now?’ I’m trying to get a word of encouragement from this young minister. I need to hear from you, but can you let me hear this first. Yes, I have that kind of nerve. I felt like the word coming to me on the screen was something I needed to help me get through this season. But kept hearing let me talk to you about Hagar.

Then what happened almost made me fall off my bed. The young man went where God was telling me to go. He took us to Genesis 21:14-20 “And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba. And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs. And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bowshot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept. And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation. And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink. And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer.”

Alright this make take me a little bit of time, but here we go. As the young man was preaching about how David gave God his heart, I thought about how I have been holding back some of my heart because I was feeling like what little bit of unbrokenness left, I needed to hold on to it. The best way for me to explain what happened was like a faucet being turned on, the flow is steady and filling the bowl. The problem is the bowl has reached its capacity and is starting to overflow. I hear - take out the stopper and let it flow. Oh I was nervous, but had to take a chance, so here is the stopper removed.

So, let’s talk about Hagar for just a moment. She is preached always from the prospective of Sarah, the wife. But what is never looked at is this woman who trusted her life to Sarah, was her servant. Hagar’s livelihood was dependent upon doing as she was instructed. She was more than likely often belittled, spoken down to and smacked a little bit.

A bond woman who knew little of the customs of Abraham and his tribe, but she was a good servant. She was obedient to the one who had rule over her. She did as she was told, not consulted with or even given a choice about. Sarah didn’t think about trusting God, because she was trying to move God’s plan forward. Here is the funny part God never asked Sarah for help, she took the promise into her own hands.

Basically, she threw a wrench into the progression of the promise. She was demanding another woman give of herself in one of the most intimate ways possible. Okay ‘Im going to get a little real here. Abraham, I’m sure treated Hagar with some respect in the beginning. I’m positive eventually some passion and lust developed. He must have enjoyed her company because their affair lasted for quite some time. But here is what is never talked about when a message comes from this passage of scripture.

Let me just say this. I’m a little perturbed with Sarah. I know Hagar got a little beside herself, but remember Abraham had to add some fuel to that fire she had. Okay, guess I’m going to have to tell a little bit on myself. There was a man from my past who found me years later. He told me he had left his wife, divorce in process. Over the years he had been thinking about me, then to find me again. I was YOUNG! No excuses, but I needed that flattery.

So, he had all the right things to say for me to let him in and even stay for a while. I loved this man, so I believed what he told me about the ex-wife. He treated me well, bought things for me and my son, even supplied my one addiction. He was there for me whenever I needed him, but what I didn’t know was sometime during that year he was also reconciling with his wife.

My point is this, even though Abraham loved Sarah, he had an emotional attachment with Hagar. Then to top it off she bore him a child, not just a child, but a son. Knowing what little I profess to know about men, I’m positive he was saying everything he could to keep Hagar willing to accept him. She took him at his words and his actions. There had to be some action or words that made Hagar react towards Sarah like she did. Just thinking, wasn’t there and Hagar didn’t tell.

See Hagar was a victim of someone else’s unfaithfulness and doubt, but she never wavered. Trusting to the end the man whom she shared the deepest parts of herself with. Not just because she was his slave, but somewhere in the agreement she became his mistress/lover. She knew all his faults, but her big mistake was thinking he would leave the woman he’d vowed to stay with. She was, in common vernacular, his side piece. She didn’t have a stake in his future directly. At least that isn’t what Sarah wanted.

Can you imagine this, being with someone who promises to take care of you and then they throw you out. What I admire most about Hagar is even when he was putting her and his son out, with the little he supplied her with for the journey, she was obedient and accepted the scrapes this man of God gave her. She allowed him to still get close enough to put something on her shoulder. Hold it, yes I said man of God, not GOD. Men of God disappoint and make errors too, right?

I can relate to Hagar on many levels, having walked a half a mile in her shoes. I didn’t need to walk the whole mile to have an understanding of how she felt. I can take it even deeper than a man making you a promise then throwing you out. How about that person being a parent, mother or father? Not being wanting by either of the people God chose to have you can do something so severe to a young mind, phew. If can do a throwback here, it is mind blowing!! It is amazing I have grown up and have children of my own. Here is the best part, thrown out not because of any real fault of your own or trivial reasons.

I know I use the word amazing a lot, but the Word is amazing. Amazingly, Abraham and Sarah had no idea the impact they had on Hagar. An act of desperation was the key to victory for Hagar. Not only in the end did Hagar win, but she received a blessing almost equal to Sarah. See, the fact of the matter is Hagar wasn’t wrong. Out of obedience following the lead of her master and mistress she ended up in a state of sin she had no knowledge of. Even without knowledge of all of God’s word she was in a position of obedience. Sarah knew when she put Hagar in the bed with her husband. Just like Abraham knew when he lied – another message.

Blessing number one out of the mess was she obtained her freedom. However, with her freedom came a burden; not of a widow, but a casted aside mistress with a child. I can relate to Hagar being alone, isolated with a young son to care for and running out of provisions. I know if it had been my old self I would say, Abraham would have had to sleep with one eye opened before he put me out like that.

How dare you give me a hope and then just snatch it away! Then kick me to the curb with a child and no support. Verse 14 “And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.”

The thing that happens next is what thrills me about God!! Even though she didn’t know Him or how He worked. What she did know is her son was dying and she couldn’t bear to see it. She cried out to a God she didn’t know personally and had not really acknowledged a need for. Then Look what God did! “And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation. And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.”

Hallelujah, God sent her an Angel and salvation! What is awesome - God wanted to show Hagar by sending the Angel. Demonstrating that God is a promise keeper. Hagar was blessed by default. God trusted Abraham enough to promise him he would be the father of many nations. See God answered the cry of Ishmael, the seed of Abraham. But God heard her plea as well, didn’t He? She asked not to see her child die and God gave her provision to care for him until he became of age. Even if the promise was made to someone before you.  Even if that person before you missed it a few times. The promise has been made and God will keep it! Ishmael was a part of his seed with a purpose and a destiny.

The comfort which comes after submission and forgiveness is better than any material item. Soaked Sunday!  SMOOCHES~~

Turning the Key - Clink-Clink to ChaChing

Well let me start off with I tend to work better when I have a clear time line. I am good at setting deadlines and usually good at completing the task before. I hate being late! I know hate is such a strong, but it is stronger than a pet-peeve for me.

My publisher has agreed to the following time frame.
1 - Idea for Cover - Submitted
2 - Author Bio - By August 19, 2015
3 - Promo Copy - By August 27, 2015
4 - Submission of Final Draft for editing - September 18 - 25, 2015

Let’s take number two, the most difficult thing for me to do. My issue is I am not that simple to define. LOL My word! Anyway, I need to come up with 225 words about Alexis while working on manuscript. Then a week later I will come up with the promo copy. Love the dates because they are the birthdates of two of my loves.

Along with looking for freelance writing jobs – which require proposals – more writing. My brain is where I need my bank account to be - on OVERLOAD! Which actually makes sense, since my writing is my key. In the words of a friend who spoke prophetically over me 'The key is in the ink!'

Time to turn the key. TaTa for now~~Smooches~~

Progess Log ** Entry One

So this is the beginning of the eighth month of 2015.  Life got in the way with numerous distractions causing the plan to be altered.  Writing started at 5am, two hour break about noon-ish, then until 9pm. It feels like college during finals. Needing more study time for some of the required classes than for the desired ones.  

Stepping away from my current project to clear my thoughts.  I need to be released from the occurred to be open to more possibilities.  I wished I could just write and not stop to edit.  I as far as I can recall I have always had to juggle or wear more than one hat.  You would think my head would be bigger and my neck stronger from the load.

The best part about trying a new direction is the opportunity to expand my reach.  My reach to teach! Not bad for a simple little girl from Detroit.  Funny, I can actually refer to myself as a little girl and it be a long time ago.  Grateful for every misstep and right step!!  It feels good to be me right now. Especially, knowing my Her-story!

My studies now are more directed at sharing any wisdom unlocked. I can only pray when looking back at this life’s viewpoint I’m satisfied.  Honestly, sometimes I’m not quite sure I am on the right track. A track I am very familiar with, yet deep down wished I could get on a different track and stay on it for a while.  It feels good to be me right now.

I don’t have thing from my studies to share right now.  Only a few more weeks before I have to have a first draft ready for editing.  At first, I was looking at this imposed deadline as a distraction from my blog.  Now I see it as an extended educational experience.  An opportunity to strengthen my multi-tasking abilities to another level. 

Time management in a work environment is a skill I utilize well, but never took the time to apply those same skills to my dream.  What was I thinking?  So, now that I’ve remapped out my study time and added a little blogging time.  I should be able to keep a progress log on the blog. HAHAHA  Well until next time. Smooches~~ 

Detoured for an Extra Blessing!!

Just when I thought my focus was going to be all about novel #2 and here I get this inkling to check out something. It really stemmed from a conversation I was having with a friend. As we were talking I heard clear pay attention to what you say. Because for years I’ve heard and used this particular scripture hoping to comfort someone dealing with material loss. I’ve even been guilty of using Job’s story to show how God will “restore”.

Then I realized I was way off track and was misinterpreting a verse because I never once took the time to look at the entire chapter, let alone the verse preceding it. I’m talking about Joel 2:25. Because of not reading the scripture in the context and keeping in mind the development of civilization. I was messed up!!! Because this had been taught to me incorrectly, not explained to me correctly. Oh heck, it was just wrong. The fault lies with me because I should have been more diligent, prayed and asked for Godly wisdom. Which really just means I should have read it for myself a long time ago.

The first time someone used this scripture in an effort to console me was after I had lost everything I owned which had been in a storage. Understand, this wasn’t the first experience I had already had with loss, but it was the first big one after I chose Christ. The first one where I had nothing to show for the previous years of hard work and struggle to obtain what I did have.

I believe the person who told me was operating from what they had always been taught. I was told this was a promise to me that God would restore all that I had lost. Well, I took that to be a literal promise. This misinformation really was a huge stumbling block in my walk for a long time. Because I kept waiting for all the sentimental items to be returned. The things I had set aside to pass on to my children.

Let me back up here for a brief moment of revealing more about me. A truth about my thoughts about my worth were as such, I felt like I was never going to ever succeed enough in the work force to live a life beyond living paycheck to paycheck. Not because I didn’t know my intellect was excellent and I grasp new information rather quickly. I knew what my capabilities were, but I also knew as a single mother my focus was forced into many directions.

The other self-imposed obstacle was because I had failed at achieving one of my most important goals. I began to expect more of the same, no matter how much I’d try. This failure became my bench mark. A benchmark I allowed to distort my self-image and lowered my expectations of how far I would rise, if I rose at all. I almost had convinced myself the reason I never remained at a particular level of success was because I didn’t deserve more.

Never did it enter into my mind God wasn’t like that, He isn’t rewarder with punishment attached. If the word says He will do something He will do it! Not to my specifications, but to a standard beyond my comprehension. Not based on past performance, not on current behaviors, no matter how improved, and not on my social status.

See what happened was after several years I had started over, again setting aside things to pass on to my children. Nothing with a monetary value, but full of sentiment and my connection to memories. That was all I thought I would be able to leave my children as my legacy. I had convince myself the only thing my sons would inherit from me were those things they have from genetics.

I can’t even count the times I would yell to God, my name wasn’t Job! Mostly because I was really deeply hurt that what I was taught about a loving and forgiving God wasn’t and hadn’t worked for me. No matter how I tried to sow my way out, work my way out, the blessing of getting back what I lost wasn’t happening.

See now I think I understand something more about all the times this same scenario kept happening is because I had missed it. I was waiting on God to RESTORE, but now there were more things of sentimental value lost. Simmering just under my praise was an unvoiced, unacknowledged anger and doubt.

I prayed for restoring. I prayed for latter rain! I prayed for just a little bit of disposable cash to get my children into college or heck it would have been nice to allow them to play sports. I prayed for lack and need to be loosed off my life. I prayed for stability. I prayed, once again, to be restored.

I thank God for every time I’ve had to let go of things acquired and begin again, but the hurt of losing things which were priceless, but highly sentimental has still to this day not dissipated. However, now I have a better understanding of what the Lord has promised me.

See I took the time to read and to seek Godly wisdom. Maybe my enlightenment will help or maybe even be laughed at. Honestly, not a concern for me because I got it and my relationship with God is just that, between me and God.

Okay, I will explain what allowed me to get untwisted and to lean more on God without using a worldly crutch. It’s simple to me now, but I could kick myself for taking twenty something years to get it. To restore has a lot of different meanings depending on the context. But the meaning that shook me to my core was restore - bring back into original existence, use, function, or position.

When I sit down and count all the losses, which in my heart and mind were great enough to break me and leave me in shattered little pieces. Pieces that looked on the outside all in place, strong and unbreakable. Yes, I confess to still keeping my outward looking well while inside was like a whirlpool of pain.

See, the truth is Job was never restored, HE WAS RENEWED!! He didn’t get that which God had allowed slough-foot to take away. He was not restored to his social status, he was elevated. That is not restoration that is renewal. Truth is I don’t ever want to go back to my original beginning, I am asking God for renewal because I already know he can help me re-build, now I want what Job got. I want renewing and elevation! I’m ready

Well I think I got it all out, so now back to bookwork!! Have a blessed weekend!

Dreaming, Writing and Dreaming some more!

Well I’m about half way through the book.  In reviewing my rough draft, I realized I had written more than I thought.  I finished two chapters over the weekend, actually finish the last of the second chapter early this morning.  I didn’t realized I had already had two of the later chapters filled in.  Now, I will have to read last year’s stuff to see if the characters still want to follow that path. 

Yes, my characters have a life of their own in my head.  If I can continue at this rate I will for sure make end of August deadline.  So, I said all that to let anyone who takes time to read my blog, I will be more lax now than when I was ill. I have such a good feeling about this novel!! I can’t wait to see how these lives will grow, develop and reach a Godly ending!!  Thank you for your patience and support.  Now back to Dream Watcher, I hope you all be watching for this title in a bookstore near you this fall. 

Lessons Never Cease!

What a fantastic Birthday I had!!! Now I feel like a complete fool for the short lived pity party I had. It let me know that I should have more faith in the people I have in my life. The truth is I was feeling so homesick going through some of my pictures and my heart aches for the family get-togethers. I know I am loved and am grateful for the woman I have become. Simply because I sometimes allow my heart to rule my head and this was one of those times. I left an opening for the enemy to get me when my head was on vacation. Hummm… wonder if I can count this as a mid-life crisis…LOL

I’m fully aware that I’m on a path of development. It is because I trust him to fulfill the promises he made to me thru the prophetic word of someone I love, admire and have faith in his relationship with Christ. See, I know like I know, like I know Numbers 23:19 “God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?” I also believe that God sends people into our lives that he knows we will receive instruction or blessing from.

More and more I am learning to stop looking for an immediate fulfillment of a promise, “But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” James 1:4. I may not have all the aspects of the plan God has for me and I may not like the current circumstances, but I have developed my mustard seed faith. I can finally rest assured that God has most of me under control and there is really no need for me to lose control, or tears or focus just because I can’t see the entire plan.

It is like I am on that wonderful street paved with gold but there are different barricades along the way. It is the testing of my faith and my commitment to God. I love the lord and I know I am more flawed than I care to admit, but I can finally say I am well on my way. More so in my spiritual growth as opposed to my emotional growth. I can still be a brat at times!

So, I just want to thank God for another year! Not too much of what I’ve been studying to share this time. I’ve come to realize some lessons are more personal than instructional. I learned a long time ago what I’m studying is for me first and hopefully whomever reads it gets something out of it. A teacher must first be taught before they can teach. Teachable Tuesday!! Smooches~~

Published - Edited by the Spirit!!

As my birthday approaches, I am feeling a little melancholy. It is mostly because this will be one of the first years that I will not be with or in close proximity to my sons. I think if my finances were better I would have thrown myself a party. The funny thing is with all the people I know, no one has ever felt I was worth throwing a party for. It has always been like an afterthought, with people saying things like, Oh yeah it’s your birthday or oh when is your birthday. Well enough of this pity party and on with where I feel led to share on my blog.

All last night and this morning I’ve been thinking about how often I’ve said I don’t care what people think about my actions or how I live my life. Well I’ll be darned if I wasn’t reminded of this scripture: 2 Corinthians 3:2-3 “You yourselves are all the endorsement we need. Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ himself wrote it––not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives––and we publish it.” (Message Bible).

It was so impressed upon me that I should care what people think of me.  Especially, if I proclaim myself to be a Christian, a follower of Christ. I guess my biggest problem has always been, I don’t want people to look to me as an example. I would always justify my slipping with the idea that just because I follow Christ, doesn’t make me Christ. Identifying myself as a Christian is just an outward demonstration that I wanted to be like him.

It was rough enough having to raise my sons trying to be a good example for them. Honestly, that didn’t work out so well. I slipped back and forth so much in their lifetimes with me, I may be the only reason my sons have had to suffer with some confusion over how to live a Godly life. Although, I fully believe both have a tremendous call on their lives. But because the only example they took to heart was me, they are running just like I did.

Then when I think about the times I was living anyway I wanted and how some people who would say to me; you don’t belong in this place or that place. Because I was so busy trying to get away from what I knew in my heart I was called to do, I would argue that point. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t love the Lord during my slipping. See, before I slipped or changed my lifestyle it usually after some serious disappointment or being utterly discouraged with my circumstances.

If we are real with ourselves, we will admit we all have something we judge others we encounter. We have our thoughts, beliefs and set of morals we utilize to justify why we feel a certain way about some of the acceptable things in society. Nowadays, so much that used to be classified as wrong and even laws against certain things, are now acceptable and even paraded in the media as the right thing.

One example that keeps coming to mind is this whole controversy of some individuals in southern states wanting to display the confederate flag. This is just my take on this whole thing. First and foremost, I totally understand why some southerners want to display it. Those who deep down would have preferred for the superiority ideologies, slavery and human ownership to still be acceptable. To hold on to the old idea that people of a certain race were not qualified or intelligent enough to exist without their guidance. This is why some see this flag as a symbol of pride and not racist or a painful reminder of what the population of Africans were forced to endure.

The whole idea the missionaries, of old, took with them when that went to other countries to colonize them. What is not ever discussed is the fact these countries and their inhabitants were doing just fine. They had their own ways and laws, and rules which were fine for the way they were living their lives. It was completely unsolicited assistance. I believe now things have changed in some of what is classified as undeveloped Nations. There is a want and a severe need for help to modernize.

There is nothing I can say to justify my slipping other than to say I was walking completely in my flesh and blocking the spirit that was gently and loving trying to get me to follow. Relying totally on God’s grace and mercy to do not deny my flesh and do what feels good and right in my mind. The truth of the matter is, God is a loving and would rather we  utilize the knowledge he gives freely to all, than follow the ways that seem right to man.

I’m finding I can no longer ignore Romans 8:11 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” I’ve finally come to the understanding that I’ve been a Christian for over twenty-six years and am still learning how to walk this walk. Grateful that I am able to study and allow my spirit to be cleansed with the word and the love I feel. Not allowing my hurts and disappointments to cause me to allow my flesh to rule.

Taking to heart and being willing to be led by 2 Chronicles 7:14 “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” Finally, I can say with the utmost sincerity 2 Chronicles 7:15 “Now mine eyes shall be open, and mine ears attent unto the prayer that is made in this place.” 

Free Your Mind!!!

Well, I’ve not written and shared for quite some time.  I’ve been working on getting my physical better in order that my mind would follow.  That old saying ‘free your mind and the rest will follow’, is truer than I ever wanted to admit.  Freedom - Isn’t that why I chose to follow Christ?  I realized I should focus more on the positive things life has to offer.  For so many years the focus has been on the punishment and not the pleasures of God.  Being bound by the condemnation of my sin/bad habits/addictions and not reveling in the freedom of forgiveness.

Trust me, I know it seems easier to say than to do a lot of the time.  Especially, when circumstances make you want to think the other way.  It has taken me quite some time to truly grasp this concept. I’ve been in that place so often when praise is the last thing I feel I have the energy to muster up.  Face it y’all, the love of God is far greater and more sustaining than the principalities, powers, the rulers of the darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places.

I was so stressed out about not feeling well, my body is in turmoil and my mind was a straight mess.  No matter how hard I tried to keep my thoughts positive it seemed like the more I was hit with issues.  The worst part is some of the issues I was stressing over (that I should have been praying about instead of fretting about) weren’t even mine.  Then I remembered the advice given to me by my spiritual mom, Frances Henry: Praise you raise, complain and remain!

I’m the kind of person that takes it personally when one of the people I love is hurting and going through something.  Especially, when those I love are so far from me and I am unable to be there physically to assist.  It never occurred to me I was taking them a little too personally.  It was my Doctor who pointed out to me I seemed like that personality type.

This scripture I have really taken seriously and is written on my heart: I Corinthians 12:25-26 “That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.  And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.”

I, personally, am not very good at suffering. I tossed around the idea that maybe I need to stop being the "go to" person.  Then I heard that voice say, then how are you going to minister?  My first response; well I guess ministry is not for me.  If my being there to have other’s trials and battles become mine, then I need something to help me keep those things from overtaking me.  My prayer is Lord, help me to not take every issue and circumstance of my loved ones so personally. 

Then I heard that voice again, What If my Son had done that? (Talk about hitting below the belt.)  Me, being who I am; said well I’m not your son and I don’t have the strength nor the confidence to carry the burdens of others without them weighing me down. Then my motto scripture was like a neon sign in my mind. “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13.  The Message translation says it like this. “Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”

It finally hit me, I was fighting with the wrong mindset and all the wrong weapons.  I was leaning to what I’ve been doing all my life and not fully comprehending how to be dressed for the things being thrown at me.  Mistake number one, I was leaning to my own understanding.  I’ve heard for years the greatest weapon of a Christian is prayer.

 

It’s was at that moment the Lord brought back to my memory the vision he showed me several weeks ago.  I’ve only shared this with one person, but now I feel led to share here.  I’m standing on a huge map of the United States. I'm covering the area where I live and there is a dark fog just a little above my head.  I can see the entire map and the fog extends from end to end of the map.  Then I begin to pray and as I prayed a bright yellow light burst through the fog causing an opening.  Through the opening I saw an Angel step down. I look around and in other places of the map I see this same light bursting through.

Enough said!?

A Challange for Change!!!!!

The last few days have been non-eventful, but interesting. Trying to get my body to act like it is twenty-five was futile and am paying for it now. For the past few weeks change has been circling in and out of my thoughts.

Over recent days I have been trying to do as much as possible to keep my thoughts off these medical test and pending results. Like I told my sons, I’ll probably just require medication for a while to correct and I believe that. My greatest concern at this moment would have to be my knees. I want to have better mobility and it would be wonderful to have a day without pain. Truth is I don’t want to be cut open anymore.

Then I have to consider it may help me, but there are so many other fear factors. Anyway, I’ve gone Way off topic. I want to talk about change. One thing I noticed in my conversations with friends is everyone is stuck somewhere and most are comfortable. So comfortable, it is the main topic of every discussion.

It seems like for a lot of us the past has a stronger influence on how we conduct ourselves than living in the current time frame. It occurred to me that if a specific moment of my life has me so bound, no matter how many books I read or times I talk about those life events things have changed and the best thing for me to do is get with the program.

It’s not an easy thing to do, but really I wanted to challenge myself to try something different for a change. I want to fast from dwelling on anything that is older than the last thirty days. It has already been firmly established there have been life events which have scarred and maimed me. So, if all I talk about, let me soften it, share it as testimony or words of encouragement for someone else what further damage am I heaping back into my own spirit.

It seems to me there is a verse which says to think on whatsoever is good, lovely, etc., but the only way I can help someone is to continue to regurgitate all my pain; then where is the good in that? It seems like the best way to help is offer real sincere words of encouragement to the speaker and the hearer. Think about every message/parable Jesus shared wasn’t one of how he was victorious over some set-back in his life. He shared what would snap the listener out of their dismal circumstances into words of substance and hope.

Also how am I being diligent with the word, if I’m taking the time to read and study like I claim, then why haven’t I been able to integrate Philippians 2 into how I go about spreading the message. Peter was imprisoned, yet the book of Philippians is not full of the woes and lacking he was experiencing, but all about how Jesus instructed and came for a particular purpose.

In my challenge I want to be more careful of what I talk about and how I share successfully the hurts and not rebirth the hurts of my past. I always say I want to experience the goodness of God on a daily basis, but if I am rehashing all the things my parents did wrong or the men and women whom I allowed to break my heart, when does the goodness come in?

So starting immediately I want to temper my conversations with family and friends to be different. I hope friends will be patient with me when I ask them to change the topic or end any conversations. I want to be able to apply the things I read and learn from all the resources I spend my time reading, listening to and studying.

It’s like I heard someone tell me long ago, “Sent the child to school and they ate all the books”. It seems like the more I study the more I am taken back to dealing with the fruit of our lips. Basically we either become spewers of bitter fruit or seed bearing fruit. Jesus called the crowd together again and said, "Listen now, all of you––take this to heart. It made me look and understand Mark 7:14-23 with a whole new thought process.

“Jesus called the crowd together again and said, "Listen now, all of you––take this to heart. It's not what you swallow that pollutes your life; it's what you vomit––that's the real pollution." When he was back home after being with the crowd, his disciples said, "We don't get it. Put it in plain language." Jesus said, "Are you being willfully stupid? Don't you see that what you swallow can't contaminate you? It doesn't enter your heart but your stomach, works its way through the intestines, and is finally flushed." (That took care of dietary quibbling; Jesus was saying that all foods are fit to eat.) He went on: "It's what comes out of a person that pollutes: obscenities, lusts, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, depravity, deceptive dealings, carousing, mean looks, slander, arrogance, foolishness–– all these are vomit from the heart. There is the source of your pollution."

So no longer will it be part of my speak to share all the hurts, rather instead what it took to come unstuck from that which I bound myself up with my own speech. To share how I’ve endured the hurts rather than relive the hurts. What I get from this bit of scripture is this; the trials and hurts experienced affect us when they occur, but it is the speaking them over and over again that is causing emotional damage after the fact. I had a hard enough time cleaning it up when my children were sick. I personally have a rough time with vomiting when there is an intestinal discomfort , so I definitely am not the type to go back to vomit.

Accept this challenge, if you dare….this is all I have to share. Wonderful Wednesday. Smooches~~

Send the Chain or Be Cursed!

Before I fell into my slump there was something that was disturbing me. I felt very strongly this subject needed to be addressed. Yet, I was so caught up in my own troubles I forgot what my purpose was. No, truth is I didn’t care about any purpose or even being an inspiration to anyone.

My biggest concern was I needed God to do something for me, but I was so caught up in my disappointment and sorrows. I was trying to figure out why it has been bothering me so much. Being entrenched in social media some of the things that I’m seeing occurring because of technology would make some believe God is like a Genie in a bottle. Some times I’ve fallen into the traps myself. I’ve been trying to figure out where in the word I can fully understand why this has become such a pet peeve for me.

It used to be before email, chain letters were a thing. They always irritated me, but out of some stupid sense of superstitions I would send them on. The other thing that was bothering me were the posts that may have a truth to the reality of God, but in order to receive the blessing you’re asked to like and share as proof as such. The idea that in order for God to hear my prayer or to bestow a blessing in my life I needed to forward a message to ten people or something detrimental would happen was beginning to piss me off.

Here is an example of one I received recently: Psalm 91 today.....please finish reading before you do anything else right now, read this to the end. My name is God. You hardly have time for me. I love you and always bless you. I am always with you. I need you to spend 30 mins. of your time with me today. Don't pray. Just praise. Today I want this message across the world before midnight. Will you help? Please do not cut it and I'll help you with something that you are in need of. A blessing is coming your way. Please drop everything & pass it on. Tomorrow will be the Best Day of your Life. Send this to 14 friends in 10min. Tell the devil you are a blessed child of God and you have more to be thankful for than to worry about. We must go through the storm to appreciate the sunshine! This is a test to see who has more followers. God or satan. If God, forward to 14 people, if satan, ignore this! God is going to fix two things (BIG).

The worst part about this particular one is the message has a little truth in it, yet I can bet it has been passed around. The saddest part is those who did pass it on did it with an expectation of God fixing something big. As if God uses an email or text message to answer a prayer if only certain conditions are met. As if writing Satan in lowercase minimizes his efforts or effects on Christians. From what I’ve learned in my journey with Christ is he wants all of us and not just thirty minutes in a day. The idea that those who don’t send it to a specified amount of people are suddenly on the side of Satan, really?

See, we’ve come so far with technology that we’ve tried to have God conform to the lifestyles we’ve become comfortable in. Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever.” Just because the tools and ways of life have changed God still operates and requires the same from us as He always has.

One of the problems I’ve noticed is not only had I  attempted to minimize the relationship with others, but was treating God the same way. It used to be communication and confrontation were usual parts of daily life and building of relationships. Please, understand I’m not above all these nuances and daily take advantage of sending text messages and emails to communicate, but I also know the relationships that mean the most I work a little harder to keep the lines of communication open.

Then I had to ask myself, what does it mean to keep lines of communication open? Like I stated before I’ve fallen into the trap, some would say I’ve had blinders on and the wiles of the devil got by me too. A truth which seems to be overlooked is 1Timothy 2:8 “I will therefore that men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.”

Technology has allow Christianity to take short cuts and the spread of “Christian Easy speaks, rather than fulfill what Jesus commissioned us to do: Mark 16:15 “And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.” There are cutesy posts that make reference to the Gospel, but yet most of them are cliché and don’t have scriptural backing.

Let’s get it settled, the message God wants spread around the world is about His love, grace and mercy. To tell about the things Jesus taught in the many parables in the New Testament. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy some of the encouraging blurbs posted to social media and I admittedly will like them, even shared some of them myself.

Sometimes it takes a relationship in which the communication goes both ways. It is because of what I heard in my spirit that I felt lead to share. I’ve been admonished not to allow myself to get wrapped up in spending my time reading the catch phrases instead of diligently searching the word for myself (2 Timothy 2:15). Just like it took me some time to get it through my head that my relationship with Christ wasn’t a few times a week experience.

It took me a little while to find out that my relationship isn’t like those around me and he deals with me very differently than he does other. If having a personal relationship wasn’t important to God he would have never taken the time to express Matthew 10:30 “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” and Luke 12:7 “But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.”

It wasn’t until I realized how foolish I was for allowing myself to get caught up in some of the short cuts made available by social media, that I’d forgotten one simple truth. I’m so important to God that he took the time to not just know me from my Mother’s womb, but to number each and every hair on my head; and I’ve got some pretty thick hair. It made me realize if Jesus’ father took that much time to get to know me, than the very least I could do was find out who he was and how he works in my favor. Method to my madness Monday. Smooches~~

The Soul Hungers

My goal and desire is to edify, be a source of encouragement and provide nourishment from the Word. It’s not easy projecting positive when my personal walk is missing a few beats and making me want to bury your face.

For me one of the most difficult things is to ask for assistance. I’m usually the rock for others, a sounding board and it’s really very rare anyone even knows I’m dealing with things. Sometimes it has felt like it is expected of me to be strong and really I like being looked at from that prospective.

This journey for me is based on the premise of if I do God’s will, he will do and take care of me. Well today I’m standing in need for guidance, prayer and compassion. My hurts are deeper than my successes. My goals have been shattered with disappointments and what feels like rejection.

The most difficult thing for this season of my life is the fact that for thirty-six years I’ve put my trust in God and tried to live a life of being accepted into his family. To think my biggest accomplishment is having semi-successfully raise two wonderful sons. Not to minimize this accomplishment, because it was extremely difficult at times and very rewarding in the end.

The truth - this has been a long bumpy road.  Even though looking back is not something I want to do often. Truth is as I sit and look at what I’ve dreamed of accomplishing and prayed for has always been just within my reach; yet something always occurred to keep my from seeing any of my hopes and dreams of a brighter future come to fruition.

Even the minor things I desired to accomplish may have come to pass, but with unwanted turmoil. Even my biggest dream to be published is flawed. Because I wanted it so badly I rushed into it and am disappointed because the work is not my best. It would be great to look at my novel and be proud, but the fact I rushed and now have a piece of work out there with my name on it with some editing error makes me sad.

I’ve been trying to find the strength and emotional ability to be encouraging and share, but in my current state of mind I have misplaced my voice and strength. One thing I promised myself is I would not use my blog to become a place for venting; I have a friend for that. Understand I’m not having a pity party, too tired for that. I’m open to any assistance and guidance, but please don’t be trite or propose clichés; I know most of them already. I ask from the bottom of my heart for words of wisdom – in need of “Soup for my Soul”. In simpler words, the Chef needs a good meal.

I'm Coming Out!!

I woke up this morning and I had to admit to myself I was more bound up by some of the teachings I’ve taken to heart. Sad to say that things that have been disseminated over the pulpit have kept me captive instead of being an example to those around me that I am free. John 8:32 “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

I’ve been blessed to encounter those I admire to be there to help me have an opening of my vision. I can sing loudly, I was blind, but thank God I now see. The questions I’ve been asking myself and God have been answered in a way I wasn’t expecting or the way I wanted them to be answered. Let me remember His ways are not mine!

I was shown over the last few days, my mouth is my biggest problem. I’d let myself slip back into old patterns and unfortunately, old conversation with people I’m comfortable with. I’ve allowed all that I’d been shown the last two years be covered with a sense of comfort. It didn’t occur to me that it is still important to be careful what I hear and how I allow those things to affect my spirit.

Instead of edifying those who come to me with their issues, I was falling into the issue with them and they weren’t even mine to bear! Instead of being encouraging I allowed the spirits that were binding them to bind me, but what I didn’t realize is the binds for me were greater than those who brought them to me.

Since I’ve not been required to go into the office, I’ve lost my routine. In my fit of rage I had destroyed the Altar I had dedicated for my prayer time. In other words, I had allowed my circumstances to cause me to be derailed. I wasn’t even trying to recover, I’d become content or comfortable with this failure and was making no genuine effort to move forward.

In my mind I had determined this was God’s plan and this was how things were supposed to be. I’d gone as far as I was physically able and this was the spot I was to try to stop the nightly tearful prayers and the losses of the past and just settle in this uncomfortable place. Not that I’d lost hope, but I’d lost my momentum and drive to move forward.

It wasn’t a pity party, but it was a loss of determination to bring about change. I wasn’t willing to expend any more energy on what I felt was useless. I had allowed my dreams to only be for when I closed my eyes. Because dreaming of something better was only making me more frustrated when I was watching them all crumble.

Then I was smacked in the spirit by a very powerful prayer and my eyes were opened to this new trick the enemy had been using against me. Glory to God, Ephesians 3:11 resounded so loudly in my head; “Put on the whole armour of God that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.”

I didn’t even realize not only had my choice to relax in my communion with God, but I had become temporarily ignorant to the ways the enemy used to hold me back. A lot of this was because I was taking to my heart the circumstance of friends and family that were so used to coming to me for strength.

I didn’t even realize how bound up and involved I was with others issues and compounded with my own, I had lost my enthusiasm. Laden with cares of this life and not relying on the one cares for me. It is like being in a goldfish in a bowl and seeing everything distorted.

The blessing came when I began to pray every morning a pray given to me by a man of God I respected. It was for the first time I recognized everything I was doing was detrimental to the outcome God has planned for me. I realized my dreams were to come to pass because He was the giver of those dreams.

So, being rejuvenated and redeemed, I take this time lost to be credited to my account as something stolen by the enemy. Waiting for my eagle mounting period to come with peace and determination restored. Wasted too much time Wednesday! Smooches~~

Just the Facts Ma'am!

I started writing this over a week ago, but my head hurt so badly I couldn’t focus; plus don’t know how, but I burnt the tips of two of my fingers. Maybe I should stop cooking… lol. The last few weeks I’ve been off track because I’m trying to find a job so I can maintain my lifestyle. A lifestyle border lining abject poverty. Please understand, I’ve been blessed to have raised two sons, yet some of our circumstances have unfortunately left my sons with some issues as a result.

These last several days I’ve been battling waking with extreme headaches, severe knee pain, with an added throbbing lower back pain, listlessness and my stomach being stressed because of the excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. It’s so frustrating when the thing you use to fix one problem causes another.

This has been the story of my life. I make one decision to try to fix one thing and the fix causes another problem. Philippines 4:11-12 “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.” This scripture was my mantra through every situation.

The thing about this was I’ve become exhausted and frustrated doesn’t even cover how I’ve been feeling. It seems like every time I get close to something to alleviate my stress the door is slammed so hard I’m left picking myself up off the floor. Once I get upright, I’m slapped in the face with more debt and lack.

At this point I feel like Job has nothing on me. I decided to remind God of his word. Psalms 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.” Here I was living a life and praising in my lack, yet for some reason it seemed this particular scripture wasn’t manifest in my life. It pains me to know one of my seed was in a place he was begging just trying to survive.

My cries were halted when I read the scripture again through throbbing achy eyes. So I asked for clarification because I have some serious questions. Am I not part of the righteous? Isn’t the reason for Jesus to stand in the gap and make intercession for me? Was I not worthy of this blessing of Jesus being the sacrifice for my sinful self? Why is it if Jesus came and died so that I may have life more abundantly; then why was I feeling plagued with lack and disappointment?

Questions, questions racing through my pain clouded mind causing me to even question what I was really chasing after and is it worth it. Feeling like I was back to running in circles and actually creating an oval. Off track and off kilter. Wondering when Proverbs 13:22 “A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just.”; would show up for me. As things stand right at this moment in my life I was empty handed and have nothing to offer my children except memories of my love for them. In my heart I want to leave them something more tangible.

Then I remembered Isaiah 64:6 “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.”. Immediately, I began to pray for a cleansing and a refreshing of my heart. Filth Free Friday! Smooches~~

Finding My Rhythm!

This is to me first, how many opportunities have I let slip by because of fear of failure? No matter how many people told me I have a real gift for something, I’ve allowed fear to bind me from any opportunity for success. I’ve always had numerous excuses why I wasn’t able to pursue or move forward. One thing I’ve learned to distrust about some “Holier than thou” Christians is when they quickly spout a verse of scripture. The problem with that is most of the time that puts the person in more bondage.

I can’t even remember how many times I’ve gone to a Christian friend for comfort and what I got was quoted scripture. Now let me be clear. I love the word and believe it to be the truth. But I’ve also come to realize sometimes when a person hasn’t experienced the issue confronted with, the easiest way to try to placate someone is to quote scripture.

Let me share just a little of my history; I’ve always kept a journal and would always write stories. When I finally went to college I took a creative writing course for fun from the other courses. Trig, Political Science and Intro to Engineering were pretty heavy, plus I had a son to care for. It was the best thing I could have done for several reasons.

My instructor, Carol Abate, was the first person to ever tell me I had a gift for writing. It was because of several meetings and discussions that aided in my changing my course of study to literature. She was an awesome mentor during my time at West Valley.

What I wasn’t aware of was this was all part of God’s plan, yet I had no knowledge of God nor was I interested. I was a good student and my counselor advised me to apply to four year colleges. I chose Santa Clara University, San José State and after a visit to San Luis Obispo, CalPoly. I was accepted to all three and had to make a choice.

My first choice was Santa Clara, until once again God stepped in and sent me, a man I attribute to my being saved, representative from CalPoly who told me if I changed my major he’d take care of it. A little, less than a week later I received a phone call from admissions and my life direction was insured. I began making arrangements to move my son and me to San Luis Obispo.

I feel in love with the professors of the English Department and some of them with me. I can honestly say they all offered me encouragement. It was funny though because it was my African American History professor who tried very hard to convince me to pursue my writing. His words stuck with me even to this day. He believed my skills and talent could make me the “Alice Walker of my generation”

Then came Toni and her encouragement to spend at least fifteen minutes a day writing and increase as time permitted. By this time I was now a single mother of two and fifteen minutes was a stretch. I was always the one new college friends asked to help with papers and I was content. The problem was after my youngest was born, I didn’t have the energy to take my final undergrad classes so I dropped out.

I need to include here it was during my first semester I found out about Jesus and my life has never been the same. Still not aware that I was called, but well aware that my writing was a fabulous gift I wanted and needed to share. I was constantly encouraged by a wonderful spiritual sister who would sometimes just call me to ask how a story was coming along.

You would think that would have been enough encouragement to be the spring board for me. What I wasn’t aware of was I was bound by fear of not really being good enough. I had read, heard and even used 2Ti 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I had even read Ro 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. Again my problem wasn’t with the word, it was the bondage of the voices from my past that kept me from taking a step into what I’m now aware as my destiny.

All the scripture knowledge didn’t change my thoughts and I was still too afraid to do what I felt a strong yearning to do. So, I continued to stay bound for twenty years before I took the risk of having a piece of my work out there for the world to scrutinize. During those waiting years I was still being encouraged by friends who I shared my rough drafts with. My excuse then was the time and money.

It wasn’t until I lost my source of income (A five year ordeal) I took the time and wrote my first novel. I completed it in 2011 and didn’t make any attempts to publish for another three years. Then I was rejected time and time again by Literary Agents, so I went to a self-publisher and was disappointed in the end result because some simple edits were missed.

One thing fear never stopped was my writing. I have several short stories and a partial novel waiting for completion. Now I’ve taken a risk and blog as much as I can, but I’m working on becoming completely unbound by fear. Pray for me as I continue to walk away from the biggest deterrent, FEAR OF SUCCESS! Mastering my Destiny Monday. Smooches ~~

Fitness Training Begins!

Well I have to admit I’ve not been the best warrior for Christ lately. I’ve slacked in my prayer life, worshipping nonexistent and my studying time went from six days to once a week. I’d allowed a moment of adversity to determine my self-worth. I was certain if I felt this way about myself how in the world could God see me any differently.

I thought I was ready to venture out of my comfort zone and fulfill what I thought was my purpose. I know my heart’s desire is to be a writer, to share the wisdom I glean from my studies and to help others going through struggles. I felt like I failed because I hadn’t gotten something I’d hoped for.

Then I had to ask myself why I was so devastated by this failure. What was it about this one that made me lose all the progress I’d made over the last few years? As I sat contemplating, it wasn’t this one by itself, it was years of failure and unfulfilled dreams that caused me to want to walk away.

So I asked God to show me how to find my footing and get back on track. Then my Sunday morning routine turned into the biggest blessing I could have hoped for. Bishop Jakes preached a sermon I felt designed just for me. I cried, which is not unusual, as I realize this failure was all part of the plan for my life.

I was the John Mark he was speaking to. It was me who wasn’t fit for the fight up until now. With just a simple message my spiritual eyes were dried from the years of tears and my vision cleared from despair. The clincher of it all was at the end of the service was the Praise and Worship singers began singing Marvin Sapp’s “He Saw the Best in Me”.

It still amazes me how one event opened the door for a renewal of strength to fight. To fight for my dream and to stand a little taller in my faith that God has my life in his hands and will see to it I finish this race as a victor not a victim. To continue writing even if there is never any recognition or accolades.

My job is to share my heart and my trials in hopes maybe just one person finds their strength and walks into their destiny. So onward and clicking away at the keys I go. Standing Stronger Sunday! Smooches ~~