I'm Coming Out!!

I woke up this morning and I had to admit to myself I was more bound up by some of the teachings I’ve taken to heart. Sad to say that things that have been disseminated over the pulpit have kept me captive instead of being an example to those around me that I am free. John 8:32 “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

I’ve been blessed to encounter those I admire to be there to help me have an opening of my vision. I can sing loudly, I was blind, but thank God I now see. The questions I’ve been asking myself and God have been answered in a way I wasn’t expecting or the way I wanted them to be answered. Let me remember His ways are not mine!

I was shown over the last few days, my mouth is my biggest problem. I’d let myself slip back into old patterns and unfortunately, old conversation with people I’m comfortable with. I’ve allowed all that I’d been shown the last two years be covered with a sense of comfort. It didn’t occur to me that it is still important to be careful what I hear and how I allow those things to affect my spirit.

Instead of edifying those who come to me with their issues, I was falling into the issue with them and they weren’t even mine to bear! Instead of being encouraging I allowed the spirits that were binding them to bind me, but what I didn’t realize is the binds for me were greater than those who brought them to me.

Since I’ve not been required to go into the office, I’ve lost my routine. In my fit of rage I had destroyed the Altar I had dedicated for my prayer time. In other words, I had allowed my circumstances to cause me to be derailed. I wasn’t even trying to recover, I’d become content or comfortable with this failure and was making no genuine effort to move forward.

In my mind I had determined this was God’s plan and this was how things were supposed to be. I’d gone as far as I was physically able and this was the spot I was to try to stop the nightly tearful prayers and the losses of the past and just settle in this uncomfortable place. Not that I’d lost hope, but I’d lost my momentum and drive to move forward.

It wasn’t a pity party, but it was a loss of determination to bring about change. I wasn’t willing to expend any more energy on what I felt was useless. I had allowed my dreams to only be for when I closed my eyes. Because dreaming of something better was only making me more frustrated when I was watching them all crumble.

Then I was smacked in the spirit by a very powerful prayer and my eyes were opened to this new trick the enemy had been using against me. Glory to God, Ephesians 3:11 resounded so loudly in my head; “Put on the whole armour of God that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.”

I didn’t even realize not only had my choice to relax in my communion with God, but I had become temporarily ignorant to the ways the enemy used to hold me back. A lot of this was because I was taking to my heart the circumstance of friends and family that were so used to coming to me for strength.

I didn’t even realize how bound up and involved I was with others issues and compounded with my own, I had lost my enthusiasm. Laden with cares of this life and not relying on the one cares for me. It is like being in a goldfish in a bowl and seeing everything distorted.

The blessing came when I began to pray every morning a pray given to me by a man of God I respected. It was for the first time I recognized everything I was doing was detrimental to the outcome God has planned for me. I realized my dreams were to come to pass because He was the giver of those dreams.

So, being rejuvenated and redeemed, I take this time lost to be credited to my account as something stolen by the enemy. Waiting for my eagle mounting period to come with peace and determination restored. Wasted too much time Wednesday! Smooches~~

Just the Facts Ma'am!

I started writing this over a week ago, but my head hurt so badly I couldn’t focus; plus don’t know how, but I burnt the tips of two of my fingers. Maybe I should stop cooking… lol. The last few weeks I’ve been off track because I’m trying to find a job so I can maintain my lifestyle. A lifestyle border lining abject poverty. Please understand, I’ve been blessed to have raised two sons, yet some of our circumstances have unfortunately left my sons with some issues as a result.

These last several days I’ve been battling waking with extreme headaches, severe knee pain, with an added throbbing lower back pain, listlessness and my stomach being stressed because of the excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. It’s so frustrating when the thing you use to fix one problem causes another.

This has been the story of my life. I make one decision to try to fix one thing and the fix causes another problem. Philippines 4:11-12 “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.” This scripture was my mantra through every situation.

The thing about this was I’ve become exhausted and frustrated doesn’t even cover how I’ve been feeling. It seems like every time I get close to something to alleviate my stress the door is slammed so hard I’m left picking myself up off the floor. Once I get upright, I’m slapped in the face with more debt and lack.

At this point I feel like Job has nothing on me. I decided to remind God of his word. Psalms 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.” Here I was living a life and praising in my lack, yet for some reason it seemed this particular scripture wasn’t manifest in my life. It pains me to know one of my seed was in a place he was begging just trying to survive.

My cries were halted when I read the scripture again through throbbing achy eyes. So I asked for clarification because I have some serious questions. Am I not part of the righteous? Isn’t the reason for Jesus to stand in the gap and make intercession for me? Was I not worthy of this blessing of Jesus being the sacrifice for my sinful self? Why is it if Jesus came and died so that I may have life more abundantly; then why was I feeling plagued with lack and disappointment?

Questions, questions racing through my pain clouded mind causing me to even question what I was really chasing after and is it worth it. Feeling like I was back to running in circles and actually creating an oval. Off track and off kilter. Wondering when Proverbs 13:22 “A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just.”; would show up for me. As things stand right at this moment in my life I was empty handed and have nothing to offer my children except memories of my love for them. In my heart I want to leave them something more tangible.

Then I remembered Isaiah 64:6 “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.”. Immediately, I began to pray for a cleansing and a refreshing of my heart. Filth Free Friday! Smooches~~

Finding My Rhythm!

This is to me first, how many opportunities have I let slip by because of fear of failure? No matter how many people told me I have a real gift for something, I’ve allowed fear to bind me from any opportunity for success. I’ve always had numerous excuses why I wasn’t able to pursue or move forward. One thing I’ve learned to distrust about some “Holier than thou” Christians is when they quickly spout a verse of scripture. The problem with that is most of the time that puts the person in more bondage.

I can’t even remember how many times I’ve gone to a Christian friend for comfort and what I got was quoted scripture. Now let me be clear. I love the word and believe it to be the truth. But I’ve also come to realize sometimes when a person hasn’t experienced the issue confronted with, the easiest way to try to placate someone is to quote scripture.

Let me share just a little of my history; I’ve always kept a journal and would always write stories. When I finally went to college I took a creative writing course for fun from the other courses. Trig, Political Science and Intro to Engineering were pretty heavy, plus I had a son to care for. It was the best thing I could have done for several reasons.

My instructor, Carol Abate, was the first person to ever tell me I had a gift for writing. It was because of several meetings and discussions that aided in my changing my course of study to literature. She was an awesome mentor during my time at West Valley.

What I wasn’t aware of was this was all part of God’s plan, yet I had no knowledge of God nor was I interested. I was a good student and my counselor advised me to apply to four year colleges. I chose Santa Clara University, San José State and after a visit to San Luis Obispo, CalPoly. I was accepted to all three and had to make a choice.

My first choice was Santa Clara, until once again God stepped in and sent me, a man I attribute to my being saved, representative from CalPoly who told me if I changed my major he’d take care of it. A little, less than a week later I received a phone call from admissions and my life direction was insured. I began making arrangements to move my son and me to San Luis Obispo.

I feel in love with the professors of the English Department and some of them with me. I can honestly say they all offered me encouragement. It was funny though because it was my African American History professor who tried very hard to convince me to pursue my writing. His words stuck with me even to this day. He believed my skills and talent could make me the “Alice Walker of my generation”

Then came Toni and her encouragement to spend at least fifteen minutes a day writing and increase as time permitted. By this time I was now a single mother of two and fifteen minutes was a stretch. I was always the one new college friends asked to help with papers and I was content. The problem was after my youngest was born, I didn’t have the energy to take my final undergrad classes so I dropped out.

I need to include here it was during my first semester I found out about Jesus and my life has never been the same. Still not aware that I was called, but well aware that my writing was a fabulous gift I wanted and needed to share. I was constantly encouraged by a wonderful spiritual sister who would sometimes just call me to ask how a story was coming along.

You would think that would have been enough encouragement to be the spring board for me. What I wasn’t aware of was I was bound by fear of not really being good enough. I had read, heard and even used 2Ti 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I had even read Ro 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. Again my problem wasn’t with the word, it was the bondage of the voices from my past that kept me from taking a step into what I’m now aware as my destiny.

All the scripture knowledge didn’t change my thoughts and I was still too afraid to do what I felt a strong yearning to do. So, I continued to stay bound for twenty years before I took the risk of having a piece of my work out there for the world to scrutinize. During those waiting years I was still being encouraged by friends who I shared my rough drafts with. My excuse then was the time and money.

It wasn’t until I lost my source of income (A five year ordeal) I took the time and wrote my first novel. I completed it in 2011 and didn’t make any attempts to publish for another three years. Then I was rejected time and time again by Literary Agents, so I went to a self-publisher and was disappointed in the end result because some simple edits were missed.

One thing fear never stopped was my writing. I have several short stories and a partial novel waiting for completion. Now I’ve taken a risk and blog as much as I can, but I’m working on becoming completely unbound by fear. Pray for me as I continue to walk away from the biggest deterrent, FEAR OF SUCCESS! Mastering my Destiny Monday. Smooches ~~

Fitness Training Begins!

Well I have to admit I’ve not been the best warrior for Christ lately. I’ve slacked in my prayer life, worshipping nonexistent and my studying time went from six days to once a week. I’d allowed a moment of adversity to determine my self-worth. I was certain if I felt this way about myself how in the world could God see me any differently.

I thought I was ready to venture out of my comfort zone and fulfill what I thought was my purpose. I know my heart’s desire is to be a writer, to share the wisdom I glean from my studies and to help others going through struggles. I felt like I failed because I hadn’t gotten something I’d hoped for.

Then I had to ask myself why I was so devastated by this failure. What was it about this one that made me lose all the progress I’d made over the last few years? As I sat contemplating, it wasn’t this one by itself, it was years of failure and unfulfilled dreams that caused me to want to walk away.

So I asked God to show me how to find my footing and get back on track. Then my Sunday morning routine turned into the biggest blessing I could have hoped for. Bishop Jakes preached a sermon I felt designed just for me. I cried, which is not unusual, as I realize this failure was all part of the plan for my life.

I was the John Mark he was speaking to. It was me who wasn’t fit for the fight up until now. With just a simple message my spiritual eyes were dried from the years of tears and my vision cleared from despair. The clincher of it all was at the end of the service was the Praise and Worship singers began singing Marvin Sapp’s “He Saw the Best in Me”.

It still amazes me how one event opened the door for a renewal of strength to fight. To fight for my dream and to stand a little taller in my faith that God has my life in his hands and will see to it I finish this race as a victor not a victim. To continue writing even if there is never any recognition or accolades.

My job is to share my heart and my trials in hopes maybe just one person finds their strength and walks into their destiny. So onward and clicking away at the keys I go. Standing Stronger Sunday! Smooches ~~

Knock, Knock!

Happy Friday! It was a whopping 18° yesterday morning and the ground was covered with snow. My day began with a knocking at my door at 6:00 am. I most certainly wasn’t expecting anyone and definitely not at that hour. Even though I was awake it was too early and too cold, but I got out of the comfort of my warm bed and went to answer. I looked out my window and no one was there, so I opened the door to see if maybe someone had left something at the door and found nothing except fresh undisturbed snow.

My imagination went crazy with this and my spiritual mind got carried away. I’ve been praying, as I usually do, mostly because I don’t know how else to get through, and that voice in my head whispered “Behold, I stand at the door and knock”. Well, to me this was a sign. A sign that I’d been keep God outside while I tried to fix things on my own. With all my ranting, anger and stubborn attitude I had grieved the Holy Spirit.

I can’t remember now exactly where I heard this, but it ran through my mind. Someone once said the Holy Spirit will not come where he is not invited. I know this is not scripture, but it made complete sense to me yesterday morning. I do recall reading in scripture that the spirit is subject to the prophet, but a prophet I am not.

The day proceeded with phone calls and texts from friends needing my assistance, voice or just a sounding board. All I could do was chuckle. It was clear to me this disappointment had affected more than my mind, heart, faith and will, but it had been a means of blocking my connection with the Holy Spirit.

Yes, my faith had been shattered, but my connection had been too. To express my thankfulness that I have a heavenly father who forgives me 7x70 times. It makes me wonder what the day would have been like had I not opened that door. Even if it may seem like a strange thing to some it was very symbolic and healing for me. To be honest, inside I didn’t care about where I stood with God because I felt like my faith and belief were a waste of time. My hopes, desires and prayers were of no consequence.

I was teetering on the cliff of giving up wanting more than what was on the table in front of me. No longer feeling the desire to strive for anything more because the loss rendered me feeling more unworthy of anything better than what I could obtain under my own power.

Then I had the most amazing conversation with my baby boy. When he shared one simple thing I began to weep. He told me to stop worrying and give it to God and since he gave all his worries to God things have just fallen into place. All I could say was out of the mouths of babes. Here was my baby being a voice of reason and encouragement. All because I open a door! Surrendered Saturday! Smooches~~

Time Out Over

Finally finished all the decorations for my friend’s bridal shower. It was so much fun and a nice break from using the frontal lobe. The only thing about me and being creative I tend to keep working until a project is complete; so staying up until three or four am has been my norm for the last two weeks. Now, I’ll get back to my normal sleeping pattern and back to trying to keep my focus.

My dreams have been very interesting and kind of comical. This morning I actually woke up laughing. I can’t quite understand them and nothing stands out. The only constant are the various praise songs that I’m singing. I’m thinking some of that is due to the fact my first Pastor and Wife recently celebrated their anniversary in ministry.

I wished I could have been there to celebrate this couple who have had such a profound impact in my life. I love and respect them so much! The relationship I had with them was much deeper than any I’ve had in any church leadership since. This experience was the beginning of my heart and soul being healed. The knowledge sprinkled with love and acceptance have stayed with me.

My Commission and I always refer back to something he preached or taught that assisted us after we moved on. Even with all the other drama that went on within that family, we walked away with a deepened knowledge and footing in walking with God. The love and admiration I have for them is without ceasing. I will always think of them as my family and pray one day to go back home and be a part of HOP again.

Well one other good thing occurred this week, I had an interview for a fulltime job. I think it went well, but no word yet. I’m praying it comes through so I can began, once again, to play catch up on my debts and reduce my stress level. Although I’m glad for my relationship with God, I’ve been rather peaceful under this financial disturbance I’m facing.

Well I’m exhausted and am going to call it a night. Looking forward to getting into my studying and worship time in the morning. Tired Thursday. Smooches~~

Searching For ????

I’m back! Been a week of massive creative juice flow and I love it! It was a positive distraction because I was feeling very disconnected and nothing was coming or inspiring me to put anything on paper. I am not one to waste time staring at a white screen, but my mind was swirling with thoughts. Thoughts I wasn’t able to find the proper words or any inspiring thoughts to share.

It seemed like my connection to my God is weakened because of my anger and the rage that still brews beneath the surface. The week was sprinkled with conversations with friends who seemed to have an inlet to getting prayers answered and walking strong in the blessings of God. Glowing with the favor of God and confidence in their faith of God fulfilling the promises to prosper them.

Trying to find a way to stir the pot of faith and rekindling my joy in knowing God does still love me and still wants to use me has not been an easy task. All I am able to do is pray until something changes. The fight for something over a long period of time only to lose doesn’t make for an easy comeback for me. Trying to muster up strength for the next round and having no real direction has defined my daily stress.

I’m trying not to stress on the financial disaster that has raised its ugly head and to ignore the fears of my past losses. Trying with all the strength I have left to trust God in this mess I’m in. Pushing back tears as I strive to get a word from God through messages from men and women of God who have inspired me in the past. Fighting the urge to crawl into the fetal position and give up.

Then to lose a friend whom, I loved, suddenly gave me an excuse to release the ocean of tears. Not sure if I was crying for the loss or if I was actual envious of him being free from the tribulations. Thinking how immensely wonderful it is to not have to worry about having needs supplies.

Then I was thrilled when one of my trio sent out a distress call, which I immediately answered and was glad to share with them my deepest darkest pain without worry of judgment or condemnation. The time we spent went by so fast, but was full of laughing, love and affirmation. This was much needed release and am grateful for the longevity of this bond.

So, instead of thinking too much, which I usually do, I’m spending my day filled with mindless movies and resting. Solemn Sunday. Smooches~~

Young, Gifted and Serving A MIGHTY GOD!!!

Well, all I can say today is I am grateful and truly in a spirit of forgiveness. I had such a wonderful day speaking to relatives I haven’t seen since I was a little girl. I’m grateful for social media and being able to reminisce about good times from my past. To be reminded of how far I’ve come despite the hardships endured.

I’m often my biggest critic. Yesterday, some of my family reached out to me and I’m so glad to be back in touch with the maternal side of my family. It makes me feel that much more love for my mother!! I miss her every day and often wish when I’m writing I could bounce ideas off of her. She was such a beautiful, awesome, and brilliant woman; traits I’m grateful to have inherited.

It was a conversation with one of my cousins that I was reminded of just how truly blessed I am. It made me cry to think about my outburst because of a minor disappointment. When I reviewed all the wonderful talents God has bestowed on and in me all I can do is shake my head and wiggle my finger at my reflection in the mirror.

I woke this morning with a renewed praise and worship for what I have. To be used by God is all I desire and to share how good God is. I’m blessed to have people in my life that were concerned about my emotional state. All I know is I’m back and in full effect. Devil watch your back cause I am coming after you with all I have!!

God has shown me in this disappointment that he has something greater than I was hoping for. Showed me how to not allow this disappointment to stop MY APPOINTMENT! I’m called, but when I answered I had not really counting the cost. Now I see very clearly my weak areas and will do everything I can to remember to keep my shield of faith and my breastplate straight. It’s crazy how I was so easily distracted from my purpose, even if it was for a few days; that was too long.

All night as I slept I was singing in my dreams and when I woke, “Lord you are Awesome”. I couldn’t get the song off my lips. It’s brought on more tears, but tears of joy and thankfulness. It may seem like a minor thing, but I received a request from someone I would never thought would notice little ole me or my blog. What a blessing and what God whispered in my ear was I told you to hold on! Well If I can’t do anything else, I give God all the praise and glory.

I love him more and more every day!! I love how he sends me little signs that he has heard my cries and is working things out for my good so HE can get all the glory. Well get ready, my friends cause His glory is all I want to shout to the world.

Proudly, I say what a blessing it is to be young, gifted and serving a MIGHTY GOD!!! Now it is time for me to get back to deepening my knowledge of the Word. To offer to those who desire to know more all I’m blessed to discern in my studies. The side trip is debunked, I’m showing up for duty and full of renewed purpose!! Turned around Thursday!! Smooches~~

Tired of Testing!

Well one thing is for certain, some things are just a part of you and no matter how far you try to get away from them not going to happen. I know some would say just get over it and believe me I am trying. It’s not easy drinking coffee, crying and trying to write. I don’t mean to shed tears it seems they flow without provocation. If you own stock in Kleenex, your welcome…LOL

I’ve always been a very emotional person, some would even say I’m overly sensitive. Repressing my emotions is not a skill I have honed and really don’t intend to. I was a little miffed to wake up this morning and the song playing in my head was “Every Praise”.

Talk about being a creature of habit and sticking to routine; that would be me. Well I was setting up to get some work done, who can work without a little motivational music? I wasn’t fast enough and the first song played was “No Weapon”. I love Fred Hammond, but I didn’t want to hear that.

It’s not that my intention is to be stubborn, but I’m still angry and hurt. I’ve tried to get my focus back and it is taking some effort. Being the child I am my first instinct is to ask why. I’m trying to understand what and where I keep missing it in this walk for the same things to keep occurring.

I want to know what I’m doing so wrong that I have to keep experiencing losses so enormous I’m left feeling disjointed and broken for years after. I have followed some things prescribed such as reminded God of his word, praying and believing I’ll receive, praising and giving God all my worship, fasting and studying trying to learn more of His ways. I’ve been doing my best to line myself with the word and live a life pressing towards being more separate and peculiar.

I have been loving God for so long it’s hard to remember what my life was like before I began developing a relationship. Most of the time I feel like the mule in a hole with the farmer throwing dirt on me. Somewhere in my inner most self I have the strength and resolve to stomp the dirt. I guess the real issue is I’m ready to stop having to stomp out the dirt and be on even ground.

I’ve been asking, no I’ve been brazen and told God, I don’t want to wait to get to heaven for my reward, I want to see the joy of the Lord while I’m living. What good does it do for me to continue talking about the struggle and not be able to share the joy of serving God?

If I can’t even be keep some stability in my own life, how can I be the one to teach others? To me that is hypocrisy and I don’t want to live like that. Being tested I can deal with when the test ends. Sometimes it feels like I’m always being tested but never really passing because the test comes again in a different form. Tired of being tested Tuesday. Smooches~~

Lost....

I had made up in my mind that moving forward wasn’t really working for me. It seems like the moment I allow myself to completely believe that God has my back and things are FINALLY going to be better for me, my whole world comes crashing around me. The hardest thing is I had faith in prophetic words that had been spoken into my life and certain steps I’ve taken were based on these words. I can’t even fully express how broken, hurt and angry I feel right now.

It’s not that the prophetic words didn’t come to pass; it is the fact I have been asking and fighting for something for almost a decade only to lose. The worst part is I had been not just praying, but begging for this victory and counting on God to bring this fight to a victorious end. Then what made it worse was I was on my prayer line and we prayed for an answer and not five minutes after we ended the line did I receive the report I had lost the battle.

Let’s see, the words I would use to describe what happened at that moment are uncontrollable intense anger. I have been angry before, but this anger was so intense it frightened me. For the first time I totally understood how my oldest son must feel on a pretty regular basis. This anger was a destructive, wanting to hurt or break or rip something apart type of anger.

It felt like my chest would burst and explode as each piece of smashed glass hit the floor. Yes, I had an emotional and violent temper tantrum. My dreams and desires that I had based on this victory were smashed and my heart hurt so badly.  I wanted to just curl up in a ball and die. I didn’t have a backup plan, because I was trusting God for this.

I could barely breathe and I understood what it feels like to have a panic attack, not a good feeling, one I hope never to feel again. My first thought was to find a way to bring the pain to an end. Then all the failures of my past were popping into my thoughts and the tears had soaked my chest like someone threw a glass of water on me.  So glad my neighbors were not around because I screamed at God so loud it made me jump.  Let me be real I was cussing worse than a truck driver.

It felt like that moment your parent tells you can’t have something you’ve worked hard for. The thing you’ve bent over backwards to be obedient hoping for. First words out of my mouth were, DAMMIT I AM NOT F**KING JOB, SO STOP THIS BULL****.  If this is how serving you is going to be, then count me out. I can’t do it. I don’t have the strength at this point of my life to deal with anymore loss and disappointment.

Then I had the nerve to say: What kind of father are you? I hate you and will never again give any part of my life in service. I am so grateful for my best friend, after I texted her (cause I really couldn’t breathe), she immediately called. She let me rant, cry, cuss and held on while I began to clean up the mess I had made. I didn’t look in a mirror, not even the ones I shattered, but I know this was the ugliest cry I’ve had in a very long time.

My finances are in a shambles and I feel like I’m taking twelve steps backwards. After all the tears stopped and the anger was just simmering, I got a text message. Okay, first I have MetroPCS and when you don’t pay you’re shut off. Well I hadn’t paid, so this message coming through… Anyway, I’m so glad for some of the people in my life who really understand. Grateful for those who stayed in my life when I was rock bottom. For those who have been there holding me up through the years of disappointments. The one question she asked me that made me poke my head out of the pity party, “Why did you start writing?”

Well, I’ve been writing since I could hold a pencil to form letters. As a little girl my writing was my escape from the feelings of not being wanted and feeling unloved by the people I lived in a house with. Instead of sitting in my room talking to myself and confirming my mother’s thought I was crazy; I wrote. Unknowingly, it helped me accept the blame for my father’s actions that caused my mother and sister so much pain. With my limited vocabulary I was able to go to a place where I was loved and felt pretty. Then as I developed my skill, I used it to help me vent and used it for cathartic purposes. I texted a condensed version of this and her responses were so full of love and encouragement.

This was her response that just let me know I’m surrounded by people who love me in spite of how I feel about me. “God has made you a writer. Your books will touch many lives. You will be "the" testimony for us who ask, how did you do it? Most writers DON'T share how the pain almost destroyed them or how they got thru it every single day. You are a "Transparent" writer. A writer who is real n hides Nothing!!” Thank you Yvette for having my back!!

So instead of remaining locked in my closet of pain and disappointment, I’m going write this out to a better place. Even though I realize I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I got an answer. It hurt, but I have to believe there is another way coming down the pipe. This hurts and I’m still angry at God, but this blog will be for me a way to go to that place where I feel loved and pretty. Mourning Monday!! Smooches~~

Covenant to Cover!

As I was studying covenant I noticed something very interesting about the God’s promises. It may just be my viewpoint but it seems like Abraham was God’s preparation for sending his son. One of the things I admire about the story of Abraham is faith in a deity that choose him while everyone else was worshiping more popular deities.

He stepped out in faith in so many areas, especially in trusting the voice that spoke to him. So much faith in this choice he was willing to sacrifice his only son to obtain a promise. His step of faith was out of pure obedience. With a very limited track record of God’s power and might, Abraham was without doubt the best example of blind faith.

The funny things about this story of faith are the missteps yet the abundant blessings. The other thing that fascinated me this read through was how God told Abraham to get away from his country, family and friends so he could receive the promise/covenant.

It blesses me to no end to think about the character of Abraham. Here is a man who was a shining example for his lineage. Abraham, one who sought God with complete abandonment of old beliefs and practices. The only act that could be perceived as disobedience was allow Lot to come along.

I don’t know about anyone else but this gave me a great deal of peace. God confirmed that even when I am operating in any form of disobedience he will still be there with outstretched hands giving me another opportunity to follow his words to the letter.

What I love about God in this instance is he knew Abraham and he knew his love for his nephew, so in order to get Abraham in the position to be the father of many nations Lot had to go. God allowed the herdsmen to quibble because he knew his servant would do the right things this time.

Can you imagine loving someone and then God telling you to walk away from them. I’m not talking about a friend, but a blood relative. Abraham eventually had to let Lot go, but I can just imagine the inner struggle. Heck I’ve had to do this and it is not easy. I feel like mine was more difficult because it was my child I was told to walk away from. Holding fast to the fact that my obedience weighs more than the sacrifice of stepping away from being a safety net for my son.

This brings me back to covenant, more specifically the marriage covenant. I’ve never been married and many may not agree with this, but what I’ve come to understand is a covenant is for life. No matter what occurs with the individuals the covenant is not something the laws of man should regulate.

Matthew19:6 and Mark 10:9 are both very clear that when a marriage occurs there should be nothing to separate the bond of the two. “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”

If only someone was teaching more on how to be committed, practice self-restraint and the damage infidelity has on a spirit. I hear so often people say they married their best friend. Well I know the relationship I have with my best friend and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. I know that we are open and honest about everything. I hurt when she hurts and visa versa.

Our society has become so consumed with self-gratification, easy surrender to temptation and lower moral standards. I used to say when I wed it's til death do us part, even if I have to kill him. It breaks my heart when I hear about marriages are ending in divorce or a friend tells me about infidelity. It seems to me that when your stand in front of friends and family and take vows of marriage it should be taken seriously.

I’ve known and vowed since I was a child I only wanted to marry once and for life, perhaps this is why I’ve not done it. I’ve been out there and have been approached by married men and almost gave in to the attraction. The first question I ask is how would you feel if a man did this to your daughter, sister or mother?

All I know is when I do say “I do!” I will. I’ve not been a person of many means, but the one thing I have is my word, so I do my best to keep that. Well I’ve been so immersed in this study and have so much more to share. Time to grow Tuesday. Smooches~~

The Mate Wait!?

I had a texting session with a friend and the topics of soul mates and love came up. It’s difficult for me at times to express things in a gentle manner because I feel the direct approach is more effective. After I reread what I said, it made me wonder if I’ve become so jaded that I don’t even understand what love is.

If asked to describe my love of family/friends it’s indescribable. They all know I may not be there physically, I’m reachable and at the ready if needed! Based on the three types of love this is my Agape Love club. I’ve never been very good with measurements, even in cooking I just put what feels right. Plus all those extra utensils mean more dishes I have to wash. Then I went back down memory lane (after I pinched myself for doing it), yet still moving into an unfixable area.

My two long term relationships were with men who’d been married and divorced/long separated. Honestly, I love both and not just because they fathered my child. Unfortunately they discovered too late they should have put a ring on it! I told them both I was blessed because I had the best of them to always have agape love for (well didn’t put it like that back then, but close).

Having come to my senses after a couple of decades of senselessness. The most profound wisdom was garnered after the birth of my baby boy. That’s when it hit me, I was being the most disobedient child sitting in the front of the church. Many Sunday mornings crying at the altar asking for forgiveness only to surrender to my flesh and do what I’d just asked forgiveness for. After I don’t know how many failed reconciliations with the father of my youngest I convinced myself a serious change was necessary.

So, I began this diligent quest to become a good helpmate. It wasn’t my desire to be a single mother, so I sought Godly advice from the wonderful examples at my disposal. I began to observe and learn from those with more than 10 years of marriage. Some I even asked how they did it.

I have always had my doubts about the existence of a soul mate. Then 15 years ago at a women’s retreat it was prophesied I would not marry until my children were grown. The years whizzed by and still no mate. Out of frustration I’d began my new mantra, I’ll never get married. A different level of acceptance of the prophetic word intensified the jading process with each passing year. So convinced the fruit of my lips is surely coming to pass. I even resurrected “Nobody Supposed To Be Here”, which had been my theme song from the moment I heard it.

I believe in this life I’ve been blessed to have soul ties with some pretty amazing people. You know your soul tied to someone when no wrong can end the connection. The Agape Love Club people! The group of people who have helped me accept being singular and unique. There was something about my words that caused me go to the word for clarity. I searched the Bible for any reference to the phrase or combination of soul mate, I found none.

The recollection of a story from Greek mythology made me begin to dig more. I’m going collapse it here from my memory as best I can. There was a being that had four legs and arms with two heads; in my memory I picture conjoined twins. For some reason Zeus got angry and cut the being in half and threw them to different ends of the world. This caused them to roam and search for each other to be made whole.

This idea became even more prevalent in the early 19th century when it was used in several works of poetry and prose. Then the new age religions grabbed hold of this and everyone was on a quest to find their soul mate, their yin to their yang and of course their better half. The archetype is depicted in movies of the 20th century. The idea became so ingrained in our psyche’s almost every modern day religion will speak on this.

Okay, yes I’m going to go here with this. First of all each of us has a singular soul/psyche. The meaning of soul is the spiritual part of a person that is believed to give life to the body. When the Lord blew the breath of life into man and decided man needed a helpmate. He took from a whole man, leaving him whole with the knowledge a part was missing. What strikes me the most is the rib of the man was so full of God. Unless I’ve miss read Genesis about creation; when God formed man he breathed life into him.

When the need for a woman was determined a rib was removed and woman was formed and brought to man. There was no need for a second breathe for the creation of a whole woman, she just has a little extra bone. The uniting of these souls/living beings with a covenant of marriage made them a husband and a wife (soul mates??). The idea of a covenant has become more like a conventional business contract. Easily bound together and easy to become loosed from.

Now one thing about the English language is some words have multiple definition based on how it is used in a sentence. So when I looked up mate I had to say I was beginning to think I had taken on a topic too deep for me to even deal with. Well not one to back down or quit. I pushed forward. Now, mate can be a noun and defined as “an exact duplicate, one of a pair and marriage partner.” As a verb the definition is “engage in sexual intercourse, bring two objects, ideas, or people together”. Oh there are many other meanings, but these are the only ones relevant.

When I think of a mate in those terms I think more of shoes or gloves. Anyway I personally don’t want an exact duplicate, but that is just me. The biggest requirement most leave out when that find themselves wrapped up in Eros is to wrap it around with Agape – the love of God towards us – before entering into a marriage. Mistaking Philos love for a long lasting emotion and getting yoked up.

Divorce is so easily obtained and shockingly there has been an influx of long term marriages dissolving. It’s difficult not to be a little envious of those who have maintained long term marriage, heck for me just to get married is awesome. It also makes me very happy I was afforded all this time to learn how to do it right when the opportunity comes my way.

Having learned it's better to be yoked equally spiritually, intellectually and emotional maturity. Oh, I just want to throw in here I detest the idea of a pre-nup. Talk about doomed from the start. If I don’t trust in my heart the person I wed is not sent and suited for me I’m not going to become one; one who thinks more highly of material.

Okay, this is the longest blog to date and I’m still not finished, but am going let this sink in for now. Too much Tuesday! Smooches~~

Put in Proper Prospective!!

It’s been one of those mornings that I have teetered between being bless and abundantly blessed. I love the times I get to share with my best friend, she always gives me such an awesome prospective. I think one of the things I love most about our friendship is we have a deep abiding love for our differences. I shared that I prayed for snow for someone and voila we got snow. It amazes me how sometimes God will answer some of the smaller request which makes me think, “Well, dang God, if I had known you were in the giving mood I would have asked for…”

I’m in a little bit of a lazy mood and not feeling led to really share anything. Because I need to stay committed to sharing, I was looking back through some of my journals from 2012 and 2013. It’s awesome to be able to look back and see just how far I have come since the multitude of hardships of just those two years.

I often forget about all the things I have accomplished because the road behind me is filled with so many failures and disappointments. I got understanding many years ago about looking back and the scripture that comes to mind is Luke 9:62, I’m paraphrasing, “The man who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God.” So one thing I have to remind myself is it is okay to look back, just don’t get stuck!!

Well, this wasn’t good enough for me because I want more than anything to be fit for the Kingdom of God!! In all honesty most times when I look back all I feel is the pains of my past. I try to erase these times, but the truth is my eraser isn’t big enough to do it. I have to really lean on my heavenly father to help me to live Philippians 3:13-14 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. “

Now understand I am pressing forward and will continue to do so, I just know the pains and tears of the past are gone, but not forgotten. Yes, the trials have made a difference in the woman I am now and honestly I would change a lot if I could. This is why I have to press because although I have no regrets, there are choices that caused me grief. Some of the circumstances I faced were not because of bad decisions, but now I realize it was for me to grow and learn to stretch my faith. What the devil meant for evil God turned to good because I accept I am called according to his purpose!

Then as I was looking for something to share, God reminded me in my pressing there has and is a transformation in my spirit and my walk. The hardest thing for me, still, are some of the losses I suffered. The hurt is of knowing the things I lost were mostly keepsakes I wanted to give my children are now gone. I can tell them the stories, but the tangible items are gone.

Then I was led to Joel 2:25 -26 “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.” Hold my mule, cause Lexi is about to dance!

As the old tears resurfaced, God place a peace and joy in my spirit. Again, the theme for the year dried those tears with faith in the word, my latter shall be better than my former. That my joy shall be full and my dreams will manifest in the natural.

As long I keep pursuing Him, He will do the rest. I will continue to share, praying someone is helped by my testimony. Then all I kept hearing is the plower shall over the reaper. Amos 9:13-15 “Behold, the days come, saith the Lord, that the plowman shall overtake the reaper, and the treader of grapes him that soweth seed; and the mountains shall drop sweet wine, and all the hills shall melt. And I will bring again the captivity of my people of Israel, and they shall build the waste cities, and inhabit them; and they shall plant vineyards, and drink the wine thereof; they shall also make gardens, and eat the fruit of them. And I will plant them upon their land, and they shall no more be pulled up out of their land which I have given them, saith the Lord thy God.”

What an awesome promise!!! You best believe after this study I have regenerated FAITH!! So I’m done---closing the computer and walking away with a smile! Triumphant Thursday…for real!! Smooches~~

7x70 = WHOLENESS

Yesterday was a very interesting day. My phone service here has made it almost impossible to keep in touch with those who still communicate with me. So when I get phone calls that actually ring on my end I answer. Lately, I’ve been good about keeping my focus and sometimes it takes me a couple of days before I feel I have something to share. So when the few calls that came through I jumped at the chance to be a little idle.

I was taking a break from studying and finally had the chance to view MOB Sunday Night Glory and Prophet Hawley blessed my stockings off. It was as if God had given him a direct line to my heart and mind. It was as if he’d read my blogs for the last month.

This form of confirmation is astounding to me. It shows me just how much God cares for me and this message for me was to keep going and keep listening closely. Understand, I don’t always feel like God should use me because my delivery is not like those currently in the pulpit. I know without any doubt I’m a little unconventional and I tend to be across the street from the box. I know that the wisdom I have is surely a God given gift.

I don’t need a title or to be in someone’s church to do what God has called me to do. It is this time in New Mexico I’m seeing this clearly. I miss being in a good fellowship and my heart longs to take a trip to Fresno and be in service with MOB or a trip to Dallas to go to the Potter’s House just to get that feeling live and not through live streaming.

Just as I was feeling like things were finally changing and I feel secure in my purpose the message from Sunday confirmed all my doubts. Then I get a text message from a number I didn’t recognize. Wait I think I need to back up a little here. In one of my conversations with my everything friend, I had been discussing the lack of communication I have with my older son and how much it is tearing my heart up. The one thing I shared with her is it may not be what I want, but I trust God to deal with him and with me.

It’s difficult to put in a short space the total dysfunction of the relationship I have with my oldest, other than to state that child has kept me before God. My love for him is the greatest love I’ve felt for another human being. I don’t love him more than my youngest, not even close. However this one is part of my cross to bear!

The thing is this child hurt me, once again, more this last time I’d seen him that all I could do is finally allow him to have his way. It wasn’t just his words, but his actions and the timing of those actions that sent me over the edge. When he told me he wanted no part of me and that I was dead to him, this time out of hurt and anger I lost it and told him okay. I told him until he gets himself together I am dead to him. I’d seen a post that said “God may not be done with you, but I am! And believe me that is exactly how I feel about my son.

This was in November and I thought I had let go of most of the anger, but the hurt was still jumping up and down in my heart. Then very loudly I heard “Forgive him again! 7x70” I was like what, not this time Lord, it is clear my son has some issues. In my heart I know the text message was him trying to reach out and when I saw the signature line I knew it was him, but I responded with “Who is this?”. I could feel the anger seeping through. It was after some tears I realized I had not forgiven my son. As I was praying this morning I had to ask God to help me to not to just forgive again, but to forget this one.

Understand I’m not yet sure how to get past this. I want to be there for him, but now I know the relationship I have with him will have to be very different. It made me think about the relationships I have with other blood relatives and I realized I was holding on to the hurtful things. Pushing them out of my life because of the pain and hurt they represent and not allowing God to sweep all these things from my heart. It makes me wish sometimes my memory wouldn’t be so clear.

It is as I write this I find I have a lot more forgiving to do and mostly I have to stop being so hard on myself for feeling like I do. I know that even though I love them all and would love for things to be better, I’m the one who will have to take that step. Not anything anyone can see, but I need to step into total forgiveness, not just sometimey forgiveness. It is easy to think you’ve forgiven someone until you are face to face with them and all those negative feelings burst through like a tornado.

Pray for me as I walk through the valley of forgiveness and meet me on the other side of wholeness. Wholeness Wednesday!  Smooches~~

Burst my Bubble!

The thoughts of this one have been bubbling around for a long time. My problem has been how to broach the subject and stay true to my beliefs. Pick up your cross has been swirling around all morning. I hope this point is received in all the love I can muster.

The other day I read an article posted by someone I love. Prior to that there was a video I shared from this same person. Now let me share my opinion very briefly. (Okay, I’ll try to share my opinion briefly and yes Uncle Terry your page.) When will we truly become a church and not congregations distinguished by our differences and classification of sin? ‘Not a spot or wrinkle!’

Truth is truth, right? Let me just put it out there like this. To proclaim myself a Christian is my choice, not a declaration of perfection. Letting it be known I choose to follow after Christ as best I can. Working daily to rid my blemishes and iron out my personal wrinkles. Then the swirling began again.

My cross may not be yours, but I choose to pick it up and follow God just as I am. Don’t understand why He chooses to use me, but I’m willing to be used. For me it is a demonstration of my trust and love, seeing Jesus standing cheering me on as I bare my cross.

It is not my desire to crush bubbles, but here is what I’ve learned about this Cross walk; Sin is Sin to God. Churches have put sins in categories and on shelves which have burst from holding burdens which should have been laid at the altar. The problem is we all have judgments about this thing or the other. I can read the word all day and still take three steps and mess up. The beauty of my messing up is most of the time I mess up alone.

The more I realize my relationship is as a daughter, I’m finally learning to see myself as God sees me; from a parental prospective. Not making excuse but hoping to say this gently. When are the words spoken from pulpits really going to start making a difference in behavior?

Now, I hear friends tell me all the time they love reading my stuff, but I have no way to truly measure that admiration. Let me back up one more, I have people in my life whom I love yet, I only see or speak to them through sporadic Facebook interactions. Several people, I hold dear to my heart, are homosexual and love God. I have people who know about some of my vices and they still love me. A few are non-believers, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them and they can’t love me! If I can’t gauge this love towards me how can I know your love for God? Last I looked not part of my pathvocation.

Maybe I’m confused here and would ask for clarity, but if my sin doesn’t stop me from chasing after my means of salvation; what right does anyone have to block my path!? Wait isn’t that what Love is!? Wait isn’t that what God is? Nowhere have I read come only those with serious OCD and have it all together, those are who I’m using.

Hold on, let me just say this while it’s at my fingertips. It’s funny to me how it’s been said God is not a respecter of person, but it is evident the people in his churches are. The justification used by the church is God hates sin! Yes, but not the sinner! Good Lord, we’d all be in serious poopoo if he did huh!?!?

Here is the clincher, my sin is not now nor never will be against you. So how can you hold something against me I’ve not done to you? I’ve got my own cross and not all my stuff is hanging on the cross I bare. What parts of my sin-filled nature I choose to hold in check are those which are easiest to ignore. It’s easy to deny what doesn’t bind me. I’ve not lived under a basket and my eyes have seen some things. Seeing things can bring about thoughts and thoughts…well. CHURCH how can you unbind from a sin if you keep shielding from and backing away from it?

As I was looking for the right scripture to offer I was led to the book of Acts starting about the 20 th chapter and the word ‘bound’ kept pushing to the front and I’ll end my brevity here. In the depictions of Paul we only know of his struggle to serve and follow Christ. His cross was being in and out of bounds. Oh my goodness, his bound were visible! Yet his words and teachings are some of the most widely used verses for many years.

It could be said it was these visible bonds that kept him securely attached to his cross. He didn’t allow what was going on to his body to interfere with his spirit. Yearning and stretching for what was filling his soul and guiding him forward. So, I simply ask is what binds you to be your cross moving you forward or holding you hostage? I don’t expect an answer, but God does! So, I’d say to anyone who questions you, just tell them to get out of your CROSSWALK!!

TYPED-OUT!!!!

Okay putting more of my cards on the blogtable! I saw a post this morning that made me think of the relationship I share with a few select people. I love the variety of levels each of these lifelong connections have been in the building of my character. 

I’ve had some desired bumps and some not so desirable bumps in my journey, yet all are developmental bumps. Well, I found myself waking up in a struggle with doubt trying to smother my faith, oooooweeeee Holy Ghost reaffirmation is P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S!!!!! I have to tell like it comes! The mention of going to a hospital or a Doctor makes the hair on my skin crawl back inside.

It’s not that I don’t admit the aging process is harsher on my physical than my mental acuity (excuse me as I take a moment to exhale some gratitude!). My recent knee flare up had my mind stumbling and collapsing like trying to walk on a floor full of marbles. No sense of direction and every step seems uncertain. Thoughts of the former tried get me to lower my hands.
When the orchestra of God begins to invade your ears, all you can do is lean back and savor the exquisite notes!! The only way to explain it would be to say I was not just feeling the breeze of the heavenly window being opened; I couldn't control the flow!!! Truly Thank – FULL Thursday. Smooches~~

All I know is I cry Abba Father!!

For years from many pulpits I’ve heard God is and should be everything. I’ve learned the many names of God and the role he wants to assume in our lives. As a single woman I was taught to let God by my husband, but as I began to share and study with a friend I realized there is only one reference to God being like a husband and that is in Isaiah 54:4-5. These verses are in reference to a widow who was concerned in how she was going to be receive and perceived. It was a word of comfort offered to her in her widowhood.

Then I began to search more and in each instance (KJV-175 times) of the word husband(man). It made me wonder how the idea of a single woman accepting God as a husband got started and why. This only made me search more. Because to my natural mind this really wasn’t making sense. In the natural the roles of a husband are set and I know some men in romantic relationship want the woman to call them “Daddy” at certain times and it is accepted. I’ll admit I’ve done it myself, but there was always a part of me that felt weird about it.

Now in my head the thoughts towards my father are very different than those I would have about a man in my life. It showed me how distorted some of the old teachings have been and how important it is to read the word, chapters in their entirety, and not just selecting a verse and tailor it to suit a point being conveyed.

Then it occurred to me somewhere the dissemination of the word, Matthew 25 and the parable of the ten virgins was distorted to try to keep young single women chaste until marriage. Ha, see how that worked out! This again was an example of why it is important to read and get an understanding for yourself. It is great to be under a good shepherd, but they are not infallible. After many years I’ve found that a good message doesn’t always mean the whole truth has been spoken.

My desire is to know the truth and one I can live with. Not to be self-righteous or to prove a point, just to have a better relationship with God, I needed to have a clear delineation of what this relationship should be like. I think a lot of women may have the same problem I had, but I hope to help someone today. One thing I know for a fact if you don’t know your place or position in a relationship it’s easy to move away from it or destroy it.

A few things I think about when I think about my earthly father are: he disciplined me, he provided for me, he loves me, he was an example of what I should be and sometimes not be, and he usually gives me sound advice. I love my father, trust him and depend on him, just as I do God, to always be there.

To settle my mind I found 1 Peter 3:6 which began to settle what my real position is and should be. “Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” Then to further confirm my belief Ephesians 1:5 -6 “Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.” The confirmations don’t stop there, Galatians 4:6-7 “And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, crying, Abba, Father. Wherefore thou art no more a servant, but a son; and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ”

Now, because I have never been married, I can’t really express what a husband should be. I have a list of qualities I’ve asked the Lord for in a husband and funny thing is there are only two things I get from my father I would want in a husband. The rest I would want are all biblical. 1Peter 3:7-11 “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.”

Then I remembered one of my favorite scriptures, Ephesians 3:22-33, clearly gives me a pattern of what I should be and expect as a wife. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

So I stand before God as a devoted and loving daughter waiting on Him to remove the veil for the right Godly man to find me!! Waiting, waiting, waiting Wednesday!! Smooches~~

Moveo~~to~~Action!!!!

In my mind I was ready to share the things I learned about the numbers of “r” words, but I feel led to go in another direction this morning. The thing that was running through my mind all night was motivation. I know there are certain things that can motivate a person and one of the largest motivators in today’s society is money. My favorite thing about God is when he speaks it is always in a still quiet and loving manner.

Well, I don’t have much materially, yet I have a lot of words. In listening to Bishop Jakes it sparked me to try to do better about the one thing I know I have a wonderful God given gift to do. I know that I have a talent and a mind to share with words, but was I really ready to do all that was necessary to do; even when is not a means of income?

When I think about when my boys were young, they were my entire motivation to get up and go to jobs I really didn’t enjoy, but they were a means of providing for my family. It was because I devoted so much of my time to excelling at my jobs, I set my desires and dreams aside to do what I deemed necessary. The one thing I found to be constant during that time is I was totally committed to my employers. I didn’t allow anything, not even pain or illness stop me from doing what I had to do to get that paycheck. Don’t get me wrong even during that time I had a love for God, but I was still trying to do what He promised to do for me. I never allowed him to be my all and all.

So, I had to ask myself what was so different now? Especially now that my sons are no longer dependent on me, what was the thing to motive me to get out of bed each morning? It’s not my current job, it’s not because there is potential for me to make a lot of money at the job, it’s not a romantic relationship and it’s not because my children needed me.

So being alone and single, what is my motivation? Why do I feel it is time for me to take this step of faith and write more? So as I usually do I turned to the dictionary. I looked up motivation - the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior. Etymology - motive, from the Latin verb moveō (“(I) move”), + -ation

Then as I began my morning study I was led to Hebrews 12:1 “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,” Then 1 Corinthians 7:35 “Now I am saying this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but because of what is proper and so that you may be devoted to the Lord without distraction.”

Both of these scriptures were a resounding confirmation of the teaching I had heard on Sunday. Sadly, it took me to be in extreme pain and losing a day’s pay to see that I was still allowing outside factors to keep me from doing what I feel strongly in my heart is for me to do. As I was reading 1 Corinthians I was directed to read the verses 32-34 and it was at that moment I knew without a doubt, I was missing it all in such a large way.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34 “I want you to be without concerns. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord — how he may please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the things of the world — how he may please his wife — and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world — how she may please her husband.”

I have to proceed because the purpose of the Word/Christ is so that none will perish due to lack of knowledge. Knowing God has blessed me, beyond what I could have ever thought or imagined, in the area of wisdom and knowledge. So the fact I have remained single to this point is so at this appointed time I must be devoted to my relationship with God. To follow his instruction and do what is the one thing leading my heart, writing and share with anyone willing to read the knowledge given to me.

In order to be devoted to God I need to learn more of him and from him. This means less Facebook, less Netflix and less just being plain distracted. What better psychological factor than being loved by a gracious and merciful God to be motivated. A God who chose me despite my many flaws and wants to use me, even when I feel not worthy. A God who sees fit to wake me each morning refreshed and ready to praise him.

See, I get it - my purpose is clear and now I have to work on keeping my helmet of salvation on as I strive to be pleasing to God. Not running myself ragged because I feel a need to spread His word, but to run patiently the course He has given me. To know He is in complete control no matter what it looks like. To know that I will soon reach His desired end for me. To spend my “free” time learning more of him and share all I glean! Taught a huge lesson Tuesday! Smooches~~

R's For all!

I love when wake up to the voice of the Lord all in my head. Before I even open my eyes His voice sets the tone for the rest of my day!  One thing I’ve learned came from my bestest friend, “Quiet Time” and it has been such a great benefit for my relationship with God.  I spend my first waking hour giving Him praise and then I pray for those I love, don’t know and this country I call home.

I love this time more so on weekends.  Then I get to go into my own, as Fred Hammond new song says, festival of praise. Thankful that I’m doing it solo because sometimes I have to even laugh at myself when I start dancing. Yet, that doesn’t stop me from doing it. I made myself a promise to be more like Paul, Philippians 4:10-13 “I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that once again you renewed your care for me. You were, in fact, concerned about me but lacked the opportunity to show it. I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content — whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

This morning the voice kept telling me to rejoice. As I glanced back over some of the Prophetic proclamations for 2015 and a pattern emerged; restoration and Redemption. SEEMS LIKE I was back in school, but instead of R’s of academia, I found the R’s of 2015. The one thing I’ve seen to be true in this walk is you can’t trust everything you hear.  But I still kept hearing “Rejoice”.  It was after I looked up rejoice –feel happiness or joy, I realized what the Lord was telling me.

Because of my past brokenness I had become stagnate and was settling for just being “content”, but God wanted me to expand my feelings. I have no idea where God is leading me in 2015, but I do know there has been a shuffling in my spirit. It’s not just about giving him praise, but the directive for me was to rejoice. This wasn’t something that was going to be easy because, although I’m grateful and thankful, I wasn't feeling happiness or joy nor could I see in my present circumstances a reason to rejoice.

One thing resonated in my spirit was hope of being redeemed and for restoration. Then when I thought about what I was hearing ten days into this year; Rejoice makes so much sense. It was as if positive “R” words were buzzing around in my head; repent; reverence; refresh; renewal, revival, rest, and rejoice! Wow was all I could think of at that moment.

When certain things fall into my spirit like this I always begin to dig. In my digging I found the word rejoice can be found (KJV) two hundred fifty-eight times, that is just one hundred and seven short of the days in a calendar year. Then I searched repent and found one hundred seventeen times. Refresh – seventeen, renew – sixteen, revival – fourteen times, rest – three hundred sixty-nine, reverence – fourteen.

My study took me deeper and my background leads me to always look for definitions just to make sure I’m on the right track. Well what I found just made open my heart and mind. I’m not into numerology, but I know there is more to this and will require more study. So now I’m working on finding my joy and working walking this walk as I speak about it. Searching Sunday! Smooches~~.

Note “Quiet Time” by Shari L. Pettiford can be purchased on Amazon.

Untwisted Tongue!!

I’ve been privileged to have a very wide circle of friends as I’ve traveled. One thing that has been plaguing me is how easy it is to slip into bad behavior. Then as I was praying the one thing that kept running through my mind is, “It’s okay, just repent”. Then I began to lean to my own understanding and then I heard very clearly, “Stop using my grace and my love as an excuse to continue to commit sin. See, in my leaning I was stretching the last half of Psalms 119:11 “Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.”

This now forced me to take a long look at who I was surrounding myself with, how I was walking into my ministry and if I was failing my God miserably. I could and have used the excuse that Moses was a murder, David was an adulterer and a murderer, Paul was a crooked tax collector; yet God still saw fit to use them. Well one thing I know is I love the Lord and my strongest desire, even above my writing, is to serve him!

It is easy to memorize scripture and quote scripture, but in my getting I’m finally getting the understanding. Colossian 1:9 “For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;” I know that for some the only bible or example of Christ they’ll ever know is by watching my actions and reactions.

How in the world had I allowed the old (wo)man to resurrect? When in my heart I believed back in 1989; Romans 6:6 “Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.” I wore this scripture out repeating it, hoping and praying I could be a better example. Before I had even realized or accepted God had called me according his purpose, I wanted and strived to be a good girl.

My desire was to be able to fulfill John 14:12 ” Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.” Because I believed, I wanted to be able to follow after Christ, cast out demons, heal the sick and bring others into salvation.

I didn’t want to be like the fig tree and not bear fruit at the appointed time. I knew the only way to do that was to hunker down and yet here I was some twenty-five years later and it seemed I was no closer to being pleasing to God nor really ready to call myself ready for the ministry.

Because my struggle was being able to keep my steps and behavior in line with the woman I wanted to be. I won’t try to blame my failures on the devil or peer pressure, but my lack of self-discipline. It became apparent every year I studied that the word is more accurate than anything I’d ever tried to learn. My biggest issue now was how I was conducting myself and how my language usage was less than acceptable for me, let alone God.

Again, my desire was to not just talk the talk, but truly walk the walk. 1 Peter 3:10-12 “For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.”

I have chosen to ask a friend to help keep me accountable and now I fully understand Mark 7:15 “There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man” So no matter how difficult or how weird or peculiar I may seem I purpose to no longer allow my peers or environment to keep me defiling the beautiful temple God has blessed me with. Working every day to tame the mightiest member James 3:5-6 “Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell”.

Because the word is a source of hope I found peace and sound instructions, I now have a wonderful directive to keep in my head as I work on matching my walk with my talk. James 3:8-13 “But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh. Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.”. Fixing it Friday! Smooches~~