Detoured for an Extra Blessing!!

Just when I thought my focus was going to be all about novel #2 and here I get this inkling to check out something. It really stemmed from a conversation I was having with a friend. As we were talking I heard clear pay attention to what you say. Because for years I’ve heard and used this particular scripture hoping to comfort someone dealing with material loss. I’ve even been guilty of using Job’s story to show how God will “restore”.

Then I realized I was way off track and was misinterpreting a verse because I never once took the time to look at the entire chapter, let alone the verse preceding it. I’m talking about Joel 2:25. Because of not reading the scripture in the context and keeping in mind the development of civilization. I was messed up!!! Because this had been taught to me incorrectly, not explained to me correctly. Oh heck, it was just wrong. The fault lies with me because I should have been more diligent, prayed and asked for Godly wisdom. Which really just means I should have read it for myself a long time ago.

The first time someone used this scripture in an effort to console me was after I had lost everything I owned which had been in a storage. Understand, this wasn’t the first experience I had already had with loss, but it was the first big one after I chose Christ. The first one where I had nothing to show for the previous years of hard work and struggle to obtain what I did have.

I believe the person who told me was operating from what they had always been taught. I was told this was a promise to me that God would restore all that I had lost. Well, I took that to be a literal promise. This misinformation really was a huge stumbling block in my walk for a long time. Because I kept waiting for all the sentimental items to be returned. The things I had set aside to pass on to my children.

Let me back up here for a brief moment of revealing more about me. A truth about my thoughts about my worth were as such, I felt like I was never going to ever succeed enough in the work force to live a life beyond living paycheck to paycheck. Not because I didn’t know my intellect was excellent and I grasp new information rather quickly. I knew what my capabilities were, but I also knew as a single mother my focus was forced into many directions.

The other self-imposed obstacle was because I had failed at achieving one of my most important goals. I began to expect more of the same, no matter how much I’d try. This failure became my bench mark. A benchmark I allowed to distort my self-image and lowered my expectations of how far I would rise, if I rose at all. I almost had convinced myself the reason I never remained at a particular level of success was because I didn’t deserve more.

Never did it enter into my mind God wasn’t like that, He isn’t rewarder with punishment attached. If the word says He will do something He will do it! Not to my specifications, but to a standard beyond my comprehension. Not based on past performance, not on current behaviors, no matter how improved, and not on my social status.

See what happened was after several years I had started over, again setting aside things to pass on to my children. Nothing with a monetary value, but full of sentiment and my connection to memories. That was all I thought I would be able to leave my children as my legacy. I had convince myself the only thing my sons would inherit from me were those things they have from genetics.

I can’t even count the times I would yell to God, my name wasn’t Job! Mostly because I was really deeply hurt that what I was taught about a loving and forgiving God wasn’t and hadn’t worked for me. No matter how I tried to sow my way out, work my way out, the blessing of getting back what I lost wasn’t happening.

See now I think I understand something more about all the times this same scenario kept happening is because I had missed it. I was waiting on God to RESTORE, but now there were more things of sentimental value lost. Simmering just under my praise was an unvoiced, unacknowledged anger and doubt.

I prayed for restoring. I prayed for latter rain! I prayed for just a little bit of disposable cash to get my children into college or heck it would have been nice to allow them to play sports. I prayed for lack and need to be loosed off my life. I prayed for stability. I prayed, once again, to be restored.

I thank God for every time I’ve had to let go of things acquired and begin again, but the hurt of losing things which were priceless, but highly sentimental has still to this day not dissipated. However, now I have a better understanding of what the Lord has promised me.

See I took the time to read and to seek Godly wisdom. Maybe my enlightenment will help or maybe even be laughed at. Honestly, not a concern for me because I got it and my relationship with God is just that, between me and God.

Okay, I will explain what allowed me to get untwisted and to lean more on God without using a worldly crutch. It’s simple to me now, but I could kick myself for taking twenty something years to get it. To restore has a lot of different meanings depending on the context. But the meaning that shook me to my core was restore - bring back into original existence, use, function, or position.

When I sit down and count all the losses, which in my heart and mind were great enough to break me and leave me in shattered little pieces. Pieces that looked on the outside all in place, strong and unbreakable. Yes, I confess to still keeping my outward looking well while inside was like a whirlpool of pain.

See, the truth is Job was never restored, HE WAS RENEWED!! He didn’t get that which God had allowed slough-foot to take away. He was not restored to his social status, he was elevated. That is not restoration that is renewal. Truth is I don’t ever want to go back to my original beginning, I am asking God for renewal because I already know he can help me re-build, now I want what Job got. I want renewing and elevation! I’m ready

Well I think I got it all out, so now back to bookwork!! Have a blessed weekend!

Dreaming, Writing and Dreaming some more!

Well I’m about half way through the book.  In reviewing my rough draft, I realized I had written more than I thought.  I finished two chapters over the weekend, actually finish the last of the second chapter early this morning.  I didn’t realized I had already had two of the later chapters filled in.  Now, I will have to read last year’s stuff to see if the characters still want to follow that path. 

Yes, my characters have a life of their own in my head.  If I can continue at this rate I will for sure make end of August deadline.  So, I said all that to let anyone who takes time to read my blog, I will be more lax now than when I was ill. I have such a good feeling about this novel!! I can’t wait to see how these lives will grow, develop and reach a Godly ending!!  Thank you for your patience and support.  Now back to Dream Watcher, I hope you all be watching for this title in a bookstore near you this fall. 

Lessons Never Cease!

What a fantastic Birthday I had!!! Now I feel like a complete fool for the short lived pity party I had. It let me know that I should have more faith in the people I have in my life. The truth is I was feeling so homesick going through some of my pictures and my heart aches for the family get-togethers. I know I am loved and am grateful for the woman I have become. Simply because I sometimes allow my heart to rule my head and this was one of those times. I left an opening for the enemy to get me when my head was on vacation. Hummm… wonder if I can count this as a mid-life crisis…LOL

I’m fully aware that I’m on a path of development. It is because I trust him to fulfill the promises he made to me thru the prophetic word of someone I love, admire and have faith in his relationship with Christ. See, I know like I know, like I know Numbers 23:19 “God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?” I also believe that God sends people into our lives that he knows we will receive instruction or blessing from.

More and more I am learning to stop looking for an immediate fulfillment of a promise, “But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” James 1:4. I may not have all the aspects of the plan God has for me and I may not like the current circumstances, but I have developed my mustard seed faith. I can finally rest assured that God has most of me under control and there is really no need for me to lose control, or tears or focus just because I can’t see the entire plan.

It is like I am on that wonderful street paved with gold but there are different barricades along the way. It is the testing of my faith and my commitment to God. I love the lord and I know I am more flawed than I care to admit, but I can finally say I am well on my way. More so in my spiritual growth as opposed to my emotional growth. I can still be a brat at times!

So, I just want to thank God for another year! Not too much of what I’ve been studying to share this time. I’ve come to realize some lessons are more personal than instructional. I learned a long time ago what I’m studying is for me first and hopefully whomever reads it gets something out of it. A teacher must first be taught before they can teach. Teachable Tuesday!! Smooches~~

Published - Edited by the Spirit!!

As my birthday approaches, I am feeling a little melancholy. It is mostly because this will be one of the first years that I will not be with or in close proximity to my sons. I think if my finances were better I would have thrown myself a party. The funny thing is with all the people I know, no one has ever felt I was worth throwing a party for. It has always been like an afterthought, with people saying things like, Oh yeah it’s your birthday or oh when is your birthday. Well enough of this pity party and on with where I feel led to share on my blog.

All last night and this morning I’ve been thinking about how often I’ve said I don’t care what people think about my actions or how I live my life. Well I’ll be darned if I wasn’t reminded of this scripture: 2 Corinthians 3:2-3 “You yourselves are all the endorsement we need. Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ himself wrote it––not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives––and we publish it.” (Message Bible).

It was so impressed upon me that I should care what people think of me.  Especially, if I proclaim myself to be a Christian, a follower of Christ. I guess my biggest problem has always been, I don’t want people to look to me as an example. I would always justify my slipping with the idea that just because I follow Christ, doesn’t make me Christ. Identifying myself as a Christian is just an outward demonstration that I wanted to be like him.

It was rough enough having to raise my sons trying to be a good example for them. Honestly, that didn’t work out so well. I slipped back and forth so much in their lifetimes with me, I may be the only reason my sons have had to suffer with some confusion over how to live a Godly life. Although, I fully believe both have a tremendous call on their lives. But because the only example they took to heart was me, they are running just like I did.

Then when I think about the times I was living anyway I wanted and how some people who would say to me; you don’t belong in this place or that place. Because I was so busy trying to get away from what I knew in my heart I was called to do, I would argue that point. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t love the Lord during my slipping. See, before I slipped or changed my lifestyle it usually after some serious disappointment or being utterly discouraged with my circumstances.

If we are real with ourselves, we will admit we all have something we judge others we encounter. We have our thoughts, beliefs and set of morals we utilize to justify why we feel a certain way about some of the acceptable things in society. Nowadays, so much that used to be classified as wrong and even laws against certain things, are now acceptable and even paraded in the media as the right thing.

One example that keeps coming to mind is this whole controversy of some individuals in southern states wanting to display the confederate flag. This is just my take on this whole thing. First and foremost, I totally understand why some southerners want to display it. Those who deep down would have preferred for the superiority ideologies, slavery and human ownership to still be acceptable. To hold on to the old idea that people of a certain race were not qualified or intelligent enough to exist without their guidance. This is why some see this flag as a symbol of pride and not racist or a painful reminder of what the population of Africans were forced to endure.

The whole idea the missionaries, of old, took with them when that went to other countries to colonize them. What is not ever discussed is the fact these countries and their inhabitants were doing just fine. They had their own ways and laws, and rules which were fine for the way they were living their lives. It was completely unsolicited assistance. I believe now things have changed in some of what is classified as undeveloped Nations. There is a want and a severe need for help to modernize.

There is nothing I can say to justify my slipping other than to say I was walking completely in my flesh and blocking the spirit that was gently and loving trying to get me to follow. Relying totally on God’s grace and mercy to do not deny my flesh and do what feels good and right in my mind. The truth of the matter is, God is a loving and would rather we  utilize the knowledge he gives freely to all, than follow the ways that seem right to man.

I’m finding I can no longer ignore Romans 8:11 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” I’ve finally come to the understanding that I’ve been a Christian for over twenty-six years and am still learning how to walk this walk. Grateful that I am able to study and allow my spirit to be cleansed with the word and the love I feel. Not allowing my hurts and disappointments to cause me to allow my flesh to rule.

Taking to heart and being willing to be led by 2 Chronicles 7:14 “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” Finally, I can say with the utmost sincerity 2 Chronicles 7:15 “Now mine eyes shall be open, and mine ears attent unto the prayer that is made in this place.” 

Free Your Mind!!!

Well, I’ve not written and shared for quite some time.  I’ve been working on getting my physical better in order that my mind would follow.  That old saying ‘free your mind and the rest will follow’, is truer than I ever wanted to admit.  Freedom - Isn’t that why I chose to follow Christ?  I realized I should focus more on the positive things life has to offer.  For so many years the focus has been on the punishment and not the pleasures of God.  Being bound by the condemnation of my sin/bad habits/addictions and not reveling in the freedom of forgiveness.

Trust me, I know it seems easier to say than to do a lot of the time.  Especially, when circumstances make you want to think the other way.  It has taken me quite some time to truly grasp this concept. I’ve been in that place so often when praise is the last thing I feel I have the energy to muster up.  Face it y’all, the love of God is far greater and more sustaining than the principalities, powers, the rulers of the darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places.

I was so stressed out about not feeling well, my body is in turmoil and my mind was a straight mess.  No matter how hard I tried to keep my thoughts positive it seemed like the more I was hit with issues.  The worst part is some of the issues I was stressing over (that I should have been praying about instead of fretting about) weren’t even mine.  Then I remembered the advice given to me by my spiritual mom, Frances Henry: Praise you raise, complain and remain!

I’m the kind of person that takes it personally when one of the people I love is hurting and going through something.  Especially, when those I love are so far from me and I am unable to be there physically to assist.  It never occurred to me I was taking them a little too personally.  It was my Doctor who pointed out to me I seemed like that personality type.

This scripture I have really taken seriously and is written on my heart: I Corinthians 12:25-26 “That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.  And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.”

I, personally, am not very good at suffering. I tossed around the idea that maybe I need to stop being the "go to" person.  Then I heard that voice say, then how are you going to minister?  My first response; well I guess ministry is not for me.  If my being there to have other’s trials and battles become mine, then I need something to help me keep those things from overtaking me.  My prayer is Lord, help me to not take every issue and circumstance of my loved ones so personally. 

Then I heard that voice again, What If my Son had done that? (Talk about hitting below the belt.)  Me, being who I am; said well I’m not your son and I don’t have the strength nor the confidence to carry the burdens of others without them weighing me down. Then my motto scripture was like a neon sign in my mind. “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13.  The Message translation says it like this. “Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”

It finally hit me, I was fighting with the wrong mindset and all the wrong weapons.  I was leaning to what I’ve been doing all my life and not fully comprehending how to be dressed for the things being thrown at me.  Mistake number one, I was leaning to my own understanding.  I’ve heard for years the greatest weapon of a Christian is prayer.

 

It’s was at that moment the Lord brought back to my memory the vision he showed me several weeks ago.  I’ve only shared this with one person, but now I feel led to share here.  I’m standing on a huge map of the United States. I'm covering the area where I live and there is a dark fog just a little above my head.  I can see the entire map and the fog extends from end to end of the map.  Then I begin to pray and as I prayed a bright yellow light burst through the fog causing an opening.  Through the opening I saw an Angel step down. I look around and in other places of the map I see this same light bursting through.

Enough said!?

A Challange for Change!!!!!

The last few days have been non-eventful, but interesting. Trying to get my body to act like it is twenty-five was futile and am paying for it now. For the past few weeks change has been circling in and out of my thoughts.

Over recent days I have been trying to do as much as possible to keep my thoughts off these medical test and pending results. Like I told my sons, I’ll probably just require medication for a while to correct and I believe that. My greatest concern at this moment would have to be my knees. I want to have better mobility and it would be wonderful to have a day without pain. Truth is I don’t want to be cut open anymore.

Then I have to consider it may help me, but there are so many other fear factors. Anyway, I’ve gone Way off topic. I want to talk about change. One thing I noticed in my conversations with friends is everyone is stuck somewhere and most are comfortable. So comfortable, it is the main topic of every discussion.

It seems like for a lot of us the past has a stronger influence on how we conduct ourselves than living in the current time frame. It occurred to me that if a specific moment of my life has me so bound, no matter how many books I read or times I talk about those life events things have changed and the best thing for me to do is get with the program.

It’s not an easy thing to do, but really I wanted to challenge myself to try something different for a change. I want to fast from dwelling on anything that is older than the last thirty days. It has already been firmly established there have been life events which have scarred and maimed me. So, if all I talk about, let me soften it, share it as testimony or words of encouragement for someone else what further damage am I heaping back into my own spirit.

It seems to me there is a verse which says to think on whatsoever is good, lovely, etc., but the only way I can help someone is to continue to regurgitate all my pain; then where is the good in that? It seems like the best way to help is offer real sincere words of encouragement to the speaker and the hearer. Think about every message/parable Jesus shared wasn’t one of how he was victorious over some set-back in his life. He shared what would snap the listener out of their dismal circumstances into words of substance and hope.

Also how am I being diligent with the word, if I’m taking the time to read and study like I claim, then why haven’t I been able to integrate Philippians 2 into how I go about spreading the message. Peter was imprisoned, yet the book of Philippians is not full of the woes and lacking he was experiencing, but all about how Jesus instructed and came for a particular purpose.

In my challenge I want to be more careful of what I talk about and how I share successfully the hurts and not rebirth the hurts of my past. I always say I want to experience the goodness of God on a daily basis, but if I am rehashing all the things my parents did wrong or the men and women whom I allowed to break my heart, when does the goodness come in?

So starting immediately I want to temper my conversations with family and friends to be different. I hope friends will be patient with me when I ask them to change the topic or end any conversations. I want to be able to apply the things I read and learn from all the resources I spend my time reading, listening to and studying.

It’s like I heard someone tell me long ago, “Sent the child to school and they ate all the books”. It seems like the more I study the more I am taken back to dealing with the fruit of our lips. Basically we either become spewers of bitter fruit or seed bearing fruit. Jesus called the crowd together again and said, "Listen now, all of you––take this to heart. It made me look and understand Mark 7:14-23 with a whole new thought process.

“Jesus called the crowd together again and said, "Listen now, all of you––take this to heart. It's not what you swallow that pollutes your life; it's what you vomit––that's the real pollution." When he was back home after being with the crowd, his disciples said, "We don't get it. Put it in plain language." Jesus said, "Are you being willfully stupid? Don't you see that what you swallow can't contaminate you? It doesn't enter your heart but your stomach, works its way through the intestines, and is finally flushed." (That took care of dietary quibbling; Jesus was saying that all foods are fit to eat.) He went on: "It's what comes out of a person that pollutes: obscenities, lusts, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, depravity, deceptive dealings, carousing, mean looks, slander, arrogance, foolishness–– all these are vomit from the heart. There is the source of your pollution."

So no longer will it be part of my speak to share all the hurts, rather instead what it took to come unstuck from that which I bound myself up with my own speech. To share how I’ve endured the hurts rather than relive the hurts. What I get from this bit of scripture is this; the trials and hurts experienced affect us when they occur, but it is the speaking them over and over again that is causing emotional damage after the fact. I had a hard enough time cleaning it up when my children were sick. I personally have a rough time with vomiting when there is an intestinal discomfort , so I definitely am not the type to go back to vomit.

Accept this challenge, if you dare….this is all I have to share. Wonderful Wednesday. Smooches~~

Send the Chain or Be Cursed!

Before I fell into my slump there was something that was disturbing me. I felt very strongly this subject needed to be addressed. Yet, I was so caught up in my own troubles I forgot what my purpose was. No, truth is I didn’t care about any purpose or even being an inspiration to anyone.

My biggest concern was I needed God to do something for me, but I was so caught up in my disappointment and sorrows. I was trying to figure out why it has been bothering me so much. Being entrenched in social media some of the things that I’m seeing occurring because of technology would make some believe God is like a Genie in a bottle. Some times I’ve fallen into the traps myself. I’ve been trying to figure out where in the word I can fully understand why this has become such a pet peeve for me.

It used to be before email, chain letters were a thing. They always irritated me, but out of some stupid sense of superstitions I would send them on. The other thing that was bothering me were the posts that may have a truth to the reality of God, but in order to receive the blessing you’re asked to like and share as proof as such. The idea that in order for God to hear my prayer or to bestow a blessing in my life I needed to forward a message to ten people or something detrimental would happen was beginning to piss me off.

Here is an example of one I received recently: Psalm 91 today.....please finish reading before you do anything else right now, read this to the end. My name is God. You hardly have time for me. I love you and always bless you. I am always with you. I need you to spend 30 mins. of your time with me today. Don't pray. Just praise. Today I want this message across the world before midnight. Will you help? Please do not cut it and I'll help you with something that you are in need of. A blessing is coming your way. Please drop everything & pass it on. Tomorrow will be the Best Day of your Life. Send this to 14 friends in 10min. Tell the devil you are a blessed child of God and you have more to be thankful for than to worry about. We must go through the storm to appreciate the sunshine! This is a test to see who has more followers. God or satan. If God, forward to 14 people, if satan, ignore this! God is going to fix two things (BIG).

The worst part about this particular one is the message has a little truth in it, yet I can bet it has been passed around. The saddest part is those who did pass it on did it with an expectation of God fixing something big. As if God uses an email or text message to answer a prayer if only certain conditions are met. As if writing Satan in lowercase minimizes his efforts or effects on Christians. From what I’ve learned in my journey with Christ is he wants all of us and not just thirty minutes in a day. The idea that those who don’t send it to a specified amount of people are suddenly on the side of Satan, really?

See, we’ve come so far with technology that we’ve tried to have God conform to the lifestyles we’ve become comfortable in. Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever.” Just because the tools and ways of life have changed God still operates and requires the same from us as He always has.

One of the problems I’ve noticed is not only had I  attempted to minimize the relationship with others, but was treating God the same way. It used to be communication and confrontation were usual parts of daily life and building of relationships. Please, understand I’m not above all these nuances and daily take advantage of sending text messages and emails to communicate, but I also know the relationships that mean the most I work a little harder to keep the lines of communication open.

Then I had to ask myself, what does it mean to keep lines of communication open? Like I stated before I’ve fallen into the trap, some would say I’ve had blinders on and the wiles of the devil got by me too. A truth which seems to be overlooked is 1Timothy 2:8 “I will therefore that men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.”

Technology has allow Christianity to take short cuts and the spread of “Christian Easy speaks, rather than fulfill what Jesus commissioned us to do: Mark 16:15 “And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.” There are cutesy posts that make reference to the Gospel, but yet most of them are cliché and don’t have scriptural backing.

Let’s get it settled, the message God wants spread around the world is about His love, grace and mercy. To tell about the things Jesus taught in the many parables in the New Testament. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy some of the encouraging blurbs posted to social media and I admittedly will like them, even shared some of them myself.

Sometimes it takes a relationship in which the communication goes both ways. It is because of what I heard in my spirit that I felt lead to share. I’ve been admonished not to allow myself to get wrapped up in spending my time reading the catch phrases instead of diligently searching the word for myself (2 Timothy 2:15). Just like it took me some time to get it through my head that my relationship with Christ wasn’t a few times a week experience.

It took me a little while to find out that my relationship isn’t like those around me and he deals with me very differently than he does other. If having a personal relationship wasn’t important to God he would have never taken the time to express Matthew 10:30 “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” and Luke 12:7 “But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.”

It wasn’t until I realized how foolish I was for allowing myself to get caught up in some of the short cuts made available by social media, that I’d forgotten one simple truth. I’m so important to God that he took the time to not just know me from my Mother’s womb, but to number each and every hair on my head; and I’ve got some pretty thick hair. It made me realize if Jesus’ father took that much time to get to know me, than the very least I could do was find out who he was and how he works in my favor. Method to my madness Monday. Smooches~~

The Soul Hungers

My goal and desire is to edify, be a source of encouragement and provide nourishment from the Word. It’s not easy projecting positive when my personal walk is missing a few beats and making me want to bury your face.

For me one of the most difficult things is to ask for assistance. I’m usually the rock for others, a sounding board and it’s really very rare anyone even knows I’m dealing with things. Sometimes it has felt like it is expected of me to be strong and really I like being looked at from that prospective.

This journey for me is based on the premise of if I do God’s will, he will do and take care of me. Well today I’m standing in need for guidance, prayer and compassion. My hurts are deeper than my successes. My goals have been shattered with disappointments and what feels like rejection.

The most difficult thing for this season of my life is the fact that for thirty-six years I’ve put my trust in God and tried to live a life of being accepted into his family. To think my biggest accomplishment is having semi-successfully raise two wonderful sons. Not to minimize this accomplishment, because it was extremely difficult at times and very rewarding in the end.

The truth - this has been a long bumpy road.  Even though looking back is not something I want to do often. Truth is as I sit and look at what I’ve dreamed of accomplishing and prayed for has always been just within my reach; yet something always occurred to keep my from seeing any of my hopes and dreams of a brighter future come to fruition.

Even the minor things I desired to accomplish may have come to pass, but with unwanted turmoil. Even my biggest dream to be published is flawed. Because I wanted it so badly I rushed into it and am disappointed because the work is not my best. It would be great to look at my novel and be proud, but the fact I rushed and now have a piece of work out there with my name on it with some editing error makes me sad.

I’ve been trying to find the strength and emotional ability to be encouraging and share, but in my current state of mind I have misplaced my voice and strength. One thing I promised myself is I would not use my blog to become a place for venting; I have a friend for that. Understand I’m not having a pity party, too tired for that. I’m open to any assistance and guidance, but please don’t be trite or propose clichés; I know most of them already. I ask from the bottom of my heart for words of wisdom – in need of “Soup for my Soul”. In simpler words, the Chef needs a good meal.

I'm Coming Out!!

I woke up this morning and I had to admit to myself I was more bound up by some of the teachings I’ve taken to heart. Sad to say that things that have been disseminated over the pulpit have kept me captive instead of being an example to those around me that I am free. John 8:32 “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

I’ve been blessed to encounter those I admire to be there to help me have an opening of my vision. I can sing loudly, I was blind, but thank God I now see. The questions I’ve been asking myself and God have been answered in a way I wasn’t expecting or the way I wanted them to be answered. Let me remember His ways are not mine!

I was shown over the last few days, my mouth is my biggest problem. I’d let myself slip back into old patterns and unfortunately, old conversation with people I’m comfortable with. I’ve allowed all that I’d been shown the last two years be covered with a sense of comfort. It didn’t occur to me that it is still important to be careful what I hear and how I allow those things to affect my spirit.

Instead of edifying those who come to me with their issues, I was falling into the issue with them and they weren’t even mine to bear! Instead of being encouraging I allowed the spirits that were binding them to bind me, but what I didn’t realize is the binds for me were greater than those who brought them to me.

Since I’ve not been required to go into the office, I’ve lost my routine. In my fit of rage I had destroyed the Altar I had dedicated for my prayer time. In other words, I had allowed my circumstances to cause me to be derailed. I wasn’t even trying to recover, I’d become content or comfortable with this failure and was making no genuine effort to move forward.

In my mind I had determined this was God’s plan and this was how things were supposed to be. I’d gone as far as I was physically able and this was the spot I was to try to stop the nightly tearful prayers and the losses of the past and just settle in this uncomfortable place. Not that I’d lost hope, but I’d lost my momentum and drive to move forward.

It wasn’t a pity party, but it was a loss of determination to bring about change. I wasn’t willing to expend any more energy on what I felt was useless. I had allowed my dreams to only be for when I closed my eyes. Because dreaming of something better was only making me more frustrated when I was watching them all crumble.

Then I was smacked in the spirit by a very powerful prayer and my eyes were opened to this new trick the enemy had been using against me. Glory to God, Ephesians 3:11 resounded so loudly in my head; “Put on the whole armour of God that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.”

I didn’t even realize not only had my choice to relax in my communion with God, but I had become temporarily ignorant to the ways the enemy used to hold me back. A lot of this was because I was taking to my heart the circumstance of friends and family that were so used to coming to me for strength.

I didn’t even realize how bound up and involved I was with others issues and compounded with my own, I had lost my enthusiasm. Laden with cares of this life and not relying on the one cares for me. It is like being in a goldfish in a bowl and seeing everything distorted.

The blessing came when I began to pray every morning a pray given to me by a man of God I respected. It was for the first time I recognized everything I was doing was detrimental to the outcome God has planned for me. I realized my dreams were to come to pass because He was the giver of those dreams.

So, being rejuvenated and redeemed, I take this time lost to be credited to my account as something stolen by the enemy. Waiting for my eagle mounting period to come with peace and determination restored. Wasted too much time Wednesday! Smooches~~

Just the Facts Ma'am!

I started writing this over a week ago, but my head hurt so badly I couldn’t focus; plus don’t know how, but I burnt the tips of two of my fingers. Maybe I should stop cooking… lol. The last few weeks I’ve been off track because I’m trying to find a job so I can maintain my lifestyle. A lifestyle border lining abject poverty. Please understand, I’ve been blessed to have raised two sons, yet some of our circumstances have unfortunately left my sons with some issues as a result.

These last several days I’ve been battling waking with extreme headaches, severe knee pain, with an added throbbing lower back pain, listlessness and my stomach being stressed because of the excessive amounts of Ibuprofen. It’s so frustrating when the thing you use to fix one problem causes another.

This has been the story of my life. I make one decision to try to fix one thing and the fix causes another problem. Philippines 4:11-12 “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.” This scripture was my mantra through every situation.

The thing about this was I’ve become exhausted and frustrated doesn’t even cover how I’ve been feeling. It seems like every time I get close to something to alleviate my stress the door is slammed so hard I’m left picking myself up off the floor. Once I get upright, I’m slapped in the face with more debt and lack.

At this point I feel like Job has nothing on me. I decided to remind God of his word. Psalms 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.” Here I was living a life and praising in my lack, yet for some reason it seemed this particular scripture wasn’t manifest in my life. It pains me to know one of my seed was in a place he was begging just trying to survive.

My cries were halted when I read the scripture again through throbbing achy eyes. So I asked for clarification because I have some serious questions. Am I not part of the righteous? Isn’t the reason for Jesus to stand in the gap and make intercession for me? Was I not worthy of this blessing of Jesus being the sacrifice for my sinful self? Why is it if Jesus came and died so that I may have life more abundantly; then why was I feeling plagued with lack and disappointment?

Questions, questions racing through my pain clouded mind causing me to even question what I was really chasing after and is it worth it. Feeling like I was back to running in circles and actually creating an oval. Off track and off kilter. Wondering when Proverbs 13:22 “A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just.”; would show up for me. As things stand right at this moment in my life I was empty handed and have nothing to offer my children except memories of my love for them. In my heart I want to leave them something more tangible.

Then I remembered Isaiah 64:6 “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.”. Immediately, I began to pray for a cleansing and a refreshing of my heart. Filth Free Friday! Smooches~~

Finding My Rhythm!

This is to me first, how many opportunities have I let slip by because of fear of failure? No matter how many people told me I have a real gift for something, I’ve allowed fear to bind me from any opportunity for success. I’ve always had numerous excuses why I wasn’t able to pursue or move forward. One thing I’ve learned to distrust about some “Holier than thou” Christians is when they quickly spout a verse of scripture. The problem with that is most of the time that puts the person in more bondage.

I can’t even remember how many times I’ve gone to a Christian friend for comfort and what I got was quoted scripture. Now let me be clear. I love the word and believe it to be the truth. But I’ve also come to realize sometimes when a person hasn’t experienced the issue confronted with, the easiest way to try to placate someone is to quote scripture.

Let me share just a little of my history; I’ve always kept a journal and would always write stories. When I finally went to college I took a creative writing course for fun from the other courses. Trig, Political Science and Intro to Engineering were pretty heavy, plus I had a son to care for. It was the best thing I could have done for several reasons.

My instructor, Carol Abate, was the first person to ever tell me I had a gift for writing. It was because of several meetings and discussions that aided in my changing my course of study to literature. She was an awesome mentor during my time at West Valley.

What I wasn’t aware of was this was all part of God’s plan, yet I had no knowledge of God nor was I interested. I was a good student and my counselor advised me to apply to four year colleges. I chose Santa Clara University, San José State and after a visit to San Luis Obispo, CalPoly. I was accepted to all three and had to make a choice.

My first choice was Santa Clara, until once again God stepped in and sent me, a man I attribute to my being saved, representative from CalPoly who told me if I changed my major he’d take care of it. A little, less than a week later I received a phone call from admissions and my life direction was insured. I began making arrangements to move my son and me to San Luis Obispo.

I feel in love with the professors of the English Department and some of them with me. I can honestly say they all offered me encouragement. It was funny though because it was my African American History professor who tried very hard to convince me to pursue my writing. His words stuck with me even to this day. He believed my skills and talent could make me the “Alice Walker of my generation”

Then came Toni and her encouragement to spend at least fifteen minutes a day writing and increase as time permitted. By this time I was now a single mother of two and fifteen minutes was a stretch. I was always the one new college friends asked to help with papers and I was content. The problem was after my youngest was born, I didn’t have the energy to take my final undergrad classes so I dropped out.

I need to include here it was during my first semester I found out about Jesus and my life has never been the same. Still not aware that I was called, but well aware that my writing was a fabulous gift I wanted and needed to share. I was constantly encouraged by a wonderful spiritual sister who would sometimes just call me to ask how a story was coming along.

You would think that would have been enough encouragement to be the spring board for me. What I wasn’t aware of was I was bound by fear of not really being good enough. I had read, heard and even used 2Ti 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I had even read Ro 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. Again my problem wasn’t with the word, it was the bondage of the voices from my past that kept me from taking a step into what I’m now aware as my destiny.

All the scripture knowledge didn’t change my thoughts and I was still too afraid to do what I felt a strong yearning to do. So, I continued to stay bound for twenty years before I took the risk of having a piece of my work out there for the world to scrutinize. During those waiting years I was still being encouraged by friends who I shared my rough drafts with. My excuse then was the time and money.

It wasn’t until I lost my source of income (A five year ordeal) I took the time and wrote my first novel. I completed it in 2011 and didn’t make any attempts to publish for another three years. Then I was rejected time and time again by Literary Agents, so I went to a self-publisher and was disappointed in the end result because some simple edits were missed.

One thing fear never stopped was my writing. I have several short stories and a partial novel waiting for completion. Now I’ve taken a risk and blog as much as I can, but I’m working on becoming completely unbound by fear. Pray for me as I continue to walk away from the biggest deterrent, FEAR OF SUCCESS! Mastering my Destiny Monday. Smooches ~~

Fitness Training Begins!

Well I have to admit I’ve not been the best warrior for Christ lately. I’ve slacked in my prayer life, worshipping nonexistent and my studying time went from six days to once a week. I’d allowed a moment of adversity to determine my self-worth. I was certain if I felt this way about myself how in the world could God see me any differently.

I thought I was ready to venture out of my comfort zone and fulfill what I thought was my purpose. I know my heart’s desire is to be a writer, to share the wisdom I glean from my studies and to help others going through struggles. I felt like I failed because I hadn’t gotten something I’d hoped for.

Then I had to ask myself why I was so devastated by this failure. What was it about this one that made me lose all the progress I’d made over the last few years? As I sat contemplating, it wasn’t this one by itself, it was years of failure and unfulfilled dreams that caused me to want to walk away.

So I asked God to show me how to find my footing and get back on track. Then my Sunday morning routine turned into the biggest blessing I could have hoped for. Bishop Jakes preached a sermon I felt designed just for me. I cried, which is not unusual, as I realize this failure was all part of the plan for my life.

I was the John Mark he was speaking to. It was me who wasn’t fit for the fight up until now. With just a simple message my spiritual eyes were dried from the years of tears and my vision cleared from despair. The clincher of it all was at the end of the service was the Praise and Worship singers began singing Marvin Sapp’s “He Saw the Best in Me”.

It still amazes me how one event opened the door for a renewal of strength to fight. To fight for my dream and to stand a little taller in my faith that God has my life in his hands and will see to it I finish this race as a victor not a victim. To continue writing even if there is never any recognition or accolades.

My job is to share my heart and my trials in hopes maybe just one person finds their strength and walks into their destiny. So onward and clicking away at the keys I go. Standing Stronger Sunday! Smooches ~~

Knock, Knock!

Happy Friday! It was a whopping 18° yesterday morning and the ground was covered with snow. My day began with a knocking at my door at 6:00 am. I most certainly wasn’t expecting anyone and definitely not at that hour. Even though I was awake it was too early and too cold, but I got out of the comfort of my warm bed and went to answer. I looked out my window and no one was there, so I opened the door to see if maybe someone had left something at the door and found nothing except fresh undisturbed snow.

My imagination went crazy with this and my spiritual mind got carried away. I’ve been praying, as I usually do, mostly because I don’t know how else to get through, and that voice in my head whispered “Behold, I stand at the door and knock”. Well, to me this was a sign. A sign that I’d been keep God outside while I tried to fix things on my own. With all my ranting, anger and stubborn attitude I had grieved the Holy Spirit.

I can’t remember now exactly where I heard this, but it ran through my mind. Someone once said the Holy Spirit will not come where he is not invited. I know this is not scripture, but it made complete sense to me yesterday morning. I do recall reading in scripture that the spirit is subject to the prophet, but a prophet I am not.

The day proceeded with phone calls and texts from friends needing my assistance, voice or just a sounding board. All I could do was chuckle. It was clear to me this disappointment had affected more than my mind, heart, faith and will, but it had been a means of blocking my connection with the Holy Spirit.

Yes, my faith had been shattered, but my connection had been too. To express my thankfulness that I have a heavenly father who forgives me 7x70 times. It makes me wonder what the day would have been like had I not opened that door. Even if it may seem like a strange thing to some it was very symbolic and healing for me. To be honest, inside I didn’t care about where I stood with God because I felt like my faith and belief were a waste of time. My hopes, desires and prayers were of no consequence.

I was teetering on the cliff of giving up wanting more than what was on the table in front of me. No longer feeling the desire to strive for anything more because the loss rendered me feeling more unworthy of anything better than what I could obtain under my own power.

Then I had the most amazing conversation with my baby boy. When he shared one simple thing I began to weep. He told me to stop worrying and give it to God and since he gave all his worries to God things have just fallen into place. All I could say was out of the mouths of babes. Here was my baby being a voice of reason and encouragement. All because I open a door! Surrendered Saturday! Smooches~~

Time Out Over

Finally finished all the decorations for my friend’s bridal shower. It was so much fun and a nice break from using the frontal lobe. The only thing about me and being creative I tend to keep working until a project is complete; so staying up until three or four am has been my norm for the last two weeks. Now, I’ll get back to my normal sleeping pattern and back to trying to keep my focus.

My dreams have been very interesting and kind of comical. This morning I actually woke up laughing. I can’t quite understand them and nothing stands out. The only constant are the various praise songs that I’m singing. I’m thinking some of that is due to the fact my first Pastor and Wife recently celebrated their anniversary in ministry.

I wished I could have been there to celebrate this couple who have had such a profound impact in my life. I love and respect them so much! The relationship I had with them was much deeper than any I’ve had in any church leadership since. This experience was the beginning of my heart and soul being healed. The knowledge sprinkled with love and acceptance have stayed with me.

My Commission and I always refer back to something he preached or taught that assisted us after we moved on. Even with all the other drama that went on within that family, we walked away with a deepened knowledge and footing in walking with God. The love and admiration I have for them is without ceasing. I will always think of them as my family and pray one day to go back home and be a part of HOP again.

Well one other good thing occurred this week, I had an interview for a fulltime job. I think it went well, but no word yet. I’m praying it comes through so I can began, once again, to play catch up on my debts and reduce my stress level. Although I’m glad for my relationship with God, I’ve been rather peaceful under this financial disturbance I’m facing.

Well I’m exhausted and am going to call it a night. Looking forward to getting into my studying and worship time in the morning. Tired Thursday. Smooches~~

Searching For ????

I’m back! Been a week of massive creative juice flow and I love it! It was a positive distraction because I was feeling very disconnected and nothing was coming or inspiring me to put anything on paper. I am not one to waste time staring at a white screen, but my mind was swirling with thoughts. Thoughts I wasn’t able to find the proper words or any inspiring thoughts to share.

It seemed like my connection to my God is weakened because of my anger and the rage that still brews beneath the surface. The week was sprinkled with conversations with friends who seemed to have an inlet to getting prayers answered and walking strong in the blessings of God. Glowing with the favor of God and confidence in their faith of God fulfilling the promises to prosper them.

Trying to find a way to stir the pot of faith and rekindling my joy in knowing God does still love me and still wants to use me has not been an easy task. All I am able to do is pray until something changes. The fight for something over a long period of time only to lose doesn’t make for an easy comeback for me. Trying to muster up strength for the next round and having no real direction has defined my daily stress.

I’m trying not to stress on the financial disaster that has raised its ugly head and to ignore the fears of my past losses. Trying with all the strength I have left to trust God in this mess I’m in. Pushing back tears as I strive to get a word from God through messages from men and women of God who have inspired me in the past. Fighting the urge to crawl into the fetal position and give up.

Then to lose a friend whom, I loved, suddenly gave me an excuse to release the ocean of tears. Not sure if I was crying for the loss or if I was actual envious of him being free from the tribulations. Thinking how immensely wonderful it is to not have to worry about having needs supplies.

Then I was thrilled when one of my trio sent out a distress call, which I immediately answered and was glad to share with them my deepest darkest pain without worry of judgment or condemnation. The time we spent went by so fast, but was full of laughing, love and affirmation. This was much needed release and am grateful for the longevity of this bond.

So, instead of thinking too much, which I usually do, I’m spending my day filled with mindless movies and resting. Solemn Sunday. Smooches~~

Young, Gifted and Serving A MIGHTY GOD!!!

Well, all I can say today is I am grateful and truly in a spirit of forgiveness. I had such a wonderful day speaking to relatives I haven’t seen since I was a little girl. I’m grateful for social media and being able to reminisce about good times from my past. To be reminded of how far I’ve come despite the hardships endured.

I’m often my biggest critic. Yesterday, some of my family reached out to me and I’m so glad to be back in touch with the maternal side of my family. It makes me feel that much more love for my mother!! I miss her every day and often wish when I’m writing I could bounce ideas off of her. She was such a beautiful, awesome, and brilliant woman; traits I’m grateful to have inherited.

It was a conversation with one of my cousins that I was reminded of just how truly blessed I am. It made me cry to think about my outburst because of a minor disappointment. When I reviewed all the wonderful talents God has bestowed on and in me all I can do is shake my head and wiggle my finger at my reflection in the mirror.

I woke this morning with a renewed praise and worship for what I have. To be used by God is all I desire and to share how good God is. I’m blessed to have people in my life that were concerned about my emotional state. All I know is I’m back and in full effect. Devil watch your back cause I am coming after you with all I have!!

God has shown me in this disappointment that he has something greater than I was hoping for. Showed me how to not allow this disappointment to stop MY APPOINTMENT! I’m called, but when I answered I had not really counting the cost. Now I see very clearly my weak areas and will do everything I can to remember to keep my shield of faith and my breastplate straight. It’s crazy how I was so easily distracted from my purpose, even if it was for a few days; that was too long.

All night as I slept I was singing in my dreams and when I woke, “Lord you are Awesome”. I couldn’t get the song off my lips. It’s brought on more tears, but tears of joy and thankfulness. It may seem like a minor thing, but I received a request from someone I would never thought would notice little ole me or my blog. What a blessing and what God whispered in my ear was I told you to hold on! Well If I can’t do anything else, I give God all the praise and glory.

I love him more and more every day!! I love how he sends me little signs that he has heard my cries and is working things out for my good so HE can get all the glory. Well get ready, my friends cause His glory is all I want to shout to the world.

Proudly, I say what a blessing it is to be young, gifted and serving a MIGHTY GOD!!! Now it is time for me to get back to deepening my knowledge of the Word. To offer to those who desire to know more all I’m blessed to discern in my studies. The side trip is debunked, I’m showing up for duty and full of renewed purpose!! Turned around Thursday!! Smooches~~

Tired of Testing!

Well one thing is for certain, some things are just a part of you and no matter how far you try to get away from them not going to happen. I know some would say just get over it and believe me I am trying. It’s not easy drinking coffee, crying and trying to write. I don’t mean to shed tears it seems they flow without provocation. If you own stock in Kleenex, your welcome…LOL

I’ve always been a very emotional person, some would even say I’m overly sensitive. Repressing my emotions is not a skill I have honed and really don’t intend to. I was a little miffed to wake up this morning and the song playing in my head was “Every Praise”.

Talk about being a creature of habit and sticking to routine; that would be me. Well I was setting up to get some work done, who can work without a little motivational music? I wasn’t fast enough and the first song played was “No Weapon”. I love Fred Hammond, but I didn’t want to hear that.

It’s not that my intention is to be stubborn, but I’m still angry and hurt. I’ve tried to get my focus back and it is taking some effort. Being the child I am my first instinct is to ask why. I’m trying to understand what and where I keep missing it in this walk for the same things to keep occurring.

I want to know what I’m doing so wrong that I have to keep experiencing losses so enormous I’m left feeling disjointed and broken for years after. I have followed some things prescribed such as reminded God of his word, praying and believing I’ll receive, praising and giving God all my worship, fasting and studying trying to learn more of His ways. I’ve been doing my best to line myself with the word and live a life pressing towards being more separate and peculiar.

I have been loving God for so long it’s hard to remember what my life was like before I began developing a relationship. Most of the time I feel like the mule in a hole with the farmer throwing dirt on me. Somewhere in my inner most self I have the strength and resolve to stomp the dirt. I guess the real issue is I’m ready to stop having to stomp out the dirt and be on even ground.

I’ve been asking, no I’ve been brazen and told God, I don’t want to wait to get to heaven for my reward, I want to see the joy of the Lord while I’m living. What good does it do for me to continue talking about the struggle and not be able to share the joy of serving God?

If I can’t even be keep some stability in my own life, how can I be the one to teach others? To me that is hypocrisy and I don’t want to live like that. Being tested I can deal with when the test ends. Sometimes it feels like I’m always being tested but never really passing because the test comes again in a different form. Tired of being tested Tuesday. Smooches~~

Lost....

I had made up in my mind that moving forward wasn’t really working for me. It seems like the moment I allow myself to completely believe that God has my back and things are FINALLY going to be better for me, my whole world comes crashing around me. The hardest thing is I had faith in prophetic words that had been spoken into my life and certain steps I’ve taken were based on these words. I can’t even fully express how broken, hurt and angry I feel right now.

It’s not that the prophetic words didn’t come to pass; it is the fact I have been asking and fighting for something for almost a decade only to lose. The worst part is I had been not just praying, but begging for this victory and counting on God to bring this fight to a victorious end. Then what made it worse was I was on my prayer line and we prayed for an answer and not five minutes after we ended the line did I receive the report I had lost the battle.

Let’s see, the words I would use to describe what happened at that moment are uncontrollable intense anger. I have been angry before, but this anger was so intense it frightened me. For the first time I totally understood how my oldest son must feel on a pretty regular basis. This anger was a destructive, wanting to hurt or break or rip something apart type of anger.

It felt like my chest would burst and explode as each piece of smashed glass hit the floor. Yes, I had an emotional and violent temper tantrum. My dreams and desires that I had based on this victory were smashed and my heart hurt so badly.  I wanted to just curl up in a ball and die. I didn’t have a backup plan, because I was trusting God for this.

I could barely breathe and I understood what it feels like to have a panic attack, not a good feeling, one I hope never to feel again. My first thought was to find a way to bring the pain to an end. Then all the failures of my past were popping into my thoughts and the tears had soaked my chest like someone threw a glass of water on me.  So glad my neighbors were not around because I screamed at God so loud it made me jump.  Let me be real I was cussing worse than a truck driver.

It felt like that moment your parent tells you can’t have something you’ve worked hard for. The thing you’ve bent over backwards to be obedient hoping for. First words out of my mouth were, DAMMIT I AM NOT F**KING JOB, SO STOP THIS BULL****.  If this is how serving you is going to be, then count me out. I can’t do it. I don’t have the strength at this point of my life to deal with anymore loss and disappointment.

Then I had the nerve to say: What kind of father are you? I hate you and will never again give any part of my life in service. I am so grateful for my best friend, after I texted her (cause I really couldn’t breathe), she immediately called. She let me rant, cry, cuss and held on while I began to clean up the mess I had made. I didn’t look in a mirror, not even the ones I shattered, but I know this was the ugliest cry I’ve had in a very long time.

My finances are in a shambles and I feel like I’m taking twelve steps backwards. After all the tears stopped and the anger was just simmering, I got a text message. Okay, first I have MetroPCS and when you don’t pay you’re shut off. Well I hadn’t paid, so this message coming through… Anyway, I’m so glad for some of the people in my life who really understand. Grateful for those who stayed in my life when I was rock bottom. For those who have been there holding me up through the years of disappointments. The one question she asked me that made me poke my head out of the pity party, “Why did you start writing?”

Well, I’ve been writing since I could hold a pencil to form letters. As a little girl my writing was my escape from the feelings of not being wanted and feeling unloved by the people I lived in a house with. Instead of sitting in my room talking to myself and confirming my mother’s thought I was crazy; I wrote. Unknowingly, it helped me accept the blame for my father’s actions that caused my mother and sister so much pain. With my limited vocabulary I was able to go to a place where I was loved and felt pretty. Then as I developed my skill, I used it to help me vent and used it for cathartic purposes. I texted a condensed version of this and her responses were so full of love and encouragement.

This was her response that just let me know I’m surrounded by people who love me in spite of how I feel about me. “God has made you a writer. Your books will touch many lives. You will be "the" testimony for us who ask, how did you do it? Most writers DON'T share how the pain almost destroyed them or how they got thru it every single day. You are a "Transparent" writer. A writer who is real n hides Nothing!!” Thank you Yvette for having my back!!

So instead of remaining locked in my closet of pain and disappointment, I’m going write this out to a better place. Even though I realize I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I got an answer. It hurt, but I have to believe there is another way coming down the pipe. This hurts and I’m still angry at God, but this blog will be for me a way to go to that place where I feel loved and pretty. Mourning Monday!! Smooches~~

Covenant to Cover!

As I was studying covenant I noticed something very interesting about the God’s promises. It may just be my viewpoint but it seems like Abraham was God’s preparation for sending his son. One of the things I admire about the story of Abraham is faith in a deity that choose him while everyone else was worshiping more popular deities.

He stepped out in faith in so many areas, especially in trusting the voice that spoke to him. So much faith in this choice he was willing to sacrifice his only son to obtain a promise. His step of faith was out of pure obedience. With a very limited track record of God’s power and might, Abraham was without doubt the best example of blind faith.

The funny things about this story of faith are the missteps yet the abundant blessings. The other thing that fascinated me this read through was how God told Abraham to get away from his country, family and friends so he could receive the promise/covenant.

It blesses me to no end to think about the character of Abraham. Here is a man who was a shining example for his lineage. Abraham, one who sought God with complete abandonment of old beliefs and practices. The only act that could be perceived as disobedience was allow Lot to come along.

I don’t know about anyone else but this gave me a great deal of peace. God confirmed that even when I am operating in any form of disobedience he will still be there with outstretched hands giving me another opportunity to follow his words to the letter.

What I love about God in this instance is he knew Abraham and he knew his love for his nephew, so in order to get Abraham in the position to be the father of many nations Lot had to go. God allowed the herdsmen to quibble because he knew his servant would do the right things this time.

Can you imagine loving someone and then God telling you to walk away from them. I’m not talking about a friend, but a blood relative. Abraham eventually had to let Lot go, but I can just imagine the inner struggle. Heck I’ve had to do this and it is not easy. I feel like mine was more difficult because it was my child I was told to walk away from. Holding fast to the fact that my obedience weighs more than the sacrifice of stepping away from being a safety net for my son.

This brings me back to covenant, more specifically the marriage covenant. I’ve never been married and many may not agree with this, but what I’ve come to understand is a covenant is for life. No matter what occurs with the individuals the covenant is not something the laws of man should regulate.

Matthew19:6 and Mark 10:9 are both very clear that when a marriage occurs there should be nothing to separate the bond of the two. “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”

If only someone was teaching more on how to be committed, practice self-restraint and the damage infidelity has on a spirit. I hear so often people say they married their best friend. Well I know the relationship I have with my best friend and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. I know that we are open and honest about everything. I hurt when she hurts and visa versa.

Our society has become so consumed with self-gratification, easy surrender to temptation and lower moral standards. I used to say when I wed it's til death do us part, even if I have to kill him. It breaks my heart when I hear about marriages are ending in divorce or a friend tells me about infidelity. It seems to me that when your stand in front of friends and family and take vows of marriage it should be taken seriously.

I’ve known and vowed since I was a child I only wanted to marry once and for life, perhaps this is why I’ve not done it. I’ve been out there and have been approached by married men and almost gave in to the attraction. The first question I ask is how would you feel if a man did this to your daughter, sister or mother?

All I know is when I do say “I do!” I will. I’ve not been a person of many means, but the one thing I have is my word, so I do my best to keep that. Well I’ve been so immersed in this study and have so much more to share. Time to grow Tuesday. Smooches~~

The Mate Wait!?

I had a texting session with a friend and the topics of soul mates and love came up. It’s difficult for me at times to express things in a gentle manner because I feel the direct approach is more effective. After I reread what I said, it made me wonder if I’ve become so jaded that I don’t even understand what love is.

If asked to describe my love of family/friends it’s indescribable. They all know I may not be there physically, I’m reachable and at the ready if needed! Based on the three types of love this is my Agape Love club. I’ve never been very good with measurements, even in cooking I just put what feels right. Plus all those extra utensils mean more dishes I have to wash. Then I went back down memory lane (after I pinched myself for doing it), yet still moving into an unfixable area.

My two long term relationships were with men who’d been married and divorced/long separated. Honestly, I love both and not just because they fathered my child. Unfortunately they discovered too late they should have put a ring on it! I told them both I was blessed because I had the best of them to always have agape love for (well didn’t put it like that back then, but close).

Having come to my senses after a couple of decades of senselessness. The most profound wisdom was garnered after the birth of my baby boy. That’s when it hit me, I was being the most disobedient child sitting in the front of the church. Many Sunday mornings crying at the altar asking for forgiveness only to surrender to my flesh and do what I’d just asked forgiveness for. After I don’t know how many failed reconciliations with the father of my youngest I convinced myself a serious change was necessary.

So, I began this diligent quest to become a good helpmate. It wasn’t my desire to be a single mother, so I sought Godly advice from the wonderful examples at my disposal. I began to observe and learn from those with more than 10 years of marriage. Some I even asked how they did it.

I have always had my doubts about the existence of a soul mate. Then 15 years ago at a women’s retreat it was prophesied I would not marry until my children were grown. The years whizzed by and still no mate. Out of frustration I’d began my new mantra, I’ll never get married. A different level of acceptance of the prophetic word intensified the jading process with each passing year. So convinced the fruit of my lips is surely coming to pass. I even resurrected “Nobody Supposed To Be Here”, which had been my theme song from the moment I heard it.

I believe in this life I’ve been blessed to have soul ties with some pretty amazing people. You know your soul tied to someone when no wrong can end the connection. The Agape Love Club people! The group of people who have helped me accept being singular and unique. There was something about my words that caused me go to the word for clarity. I searched the Bible for any reference to the phrase or combination of soul mate, I found none.

The recollection of a story from Greek mythology made me begin to dig more. I’m going collapse it here from my memory as best I can. There was a being that had four legs and arms with two heads; in my memory I picture conjoined twins. For some reason Zeus got angry and cut the being in half and threw them to different ends of the world. This caused them to roam and search for each other to be made whole.

This idea became even more prevalent in the early 19th century when it was used in several works of poetry and prose. Then the new age religions grabbed hold of this and everyone was on a quest to find their soul mate, their yin to their yang and of course their better half. The archetype is depicted in movies of the 20th century. The idea became so ingrained in our psyche’s almost every modern day religion will speak on this.

Okay, yes I’m going to go here with this. First of all each of us has a singular soul/psyche. The meaning of soul is the spiritual part of a person that is believed to give life to the body. When the Lord blew the breath of life into man and decided man needed a helpmate. He took from a whole man, leaving him whole with the knowledge a part was missing. What strikes me the most is the rib of the man was so full of God. Unless I’ve miss read Genesis about creation; when God formed man he breathed life into him.

When the need for a woman was determined a rib was removed and woman was formed and brought to man. There was no need for a second breathe for the creation of a whole woman, she just has a little extra bone. The uniting of these souls/living beings with a covenant of marriage made them a husband and a wife (soul mates??). The idea of a covenant has become more like a conventional business contract. Easily bound together and easy to become loosed from.

Now one thing about the English language is some words have multiple definition based on how it is used in a sentence. So when I looked up mate I had to say I was beginning to think I had taken on a topic too deep for me to even deal with. Well not one to back down or quit. I pushed forward. Now, mate can be a noun and defined as “an exact duplicate, one of a pair and marriage partner.” As a verb the definition is “engage in sexual intercourse, bring two objects, ideas, or people together”. Oh there are many other meanings, but these are the only ones relevant.

When I think of a mate in those terms I think more of shoes or gloves. Anyway I personally don’t want an exact duplicate, but that is just me. The biggest requirement most leave out when that find themselves wrapped up in Eros is to wrap it around with Agape – the love of God towards us – before entering into a marriage. Mistaking Philos love for a long lasting emotion and getting yoked up.

Divorce is so easily obtained and shockingly there has been an influx of long term marriages dissolving. It’s difficult not to be a little envious of those who have maintained long term marriage, heck for me just to get married is awesome. It also makes me very happy I was afforded all this time to learn how to do it right when the opportunity comes my way.

Having learned it's better to be yoked equally spiritually, intellectually and emotional maturity. Oh, I just want to throw in here I detest the idea of a pre-nup. Talk about doomed from the start. If I don’t trust in my heart the person I wed is not sent and suited for me I’m not going to become one; one who thinks more highly of material.

Okay, this is the longest blog to date and I’m still not finished, but am going let this sink in for now. Too much Tuesday! Smooches~~