My goal and desire is to edify, be a source of encouragement
and provide nourishment from the Word. It’s not easy projecting positive when
my personal walk is missing a few beats and making me want to bury your face.
For me one of the most difficult things is to ask for assistance.
I’m usually the rock for others, a sounding board and it’s really very rare
anyone even knows I’m dealing with things. Sometimes it has felt like it is
expected of me to be strong and really I like being looked at from that
prospective.
This journey for me is based on the premise of if I do God’s
will, he will do and take care of me. Well today I’m standing in need for guidance,
prayer and compassion. My hurts are deeper than my successes. My goals have been
shattered with disappointments and what feels like rejection.
The most difficult thing for this season of my life is the
fact that for thirty-six years I’ve put my trust in God and tried to live a
life of being accepted into his family. To think my biggest accomplishment is
having semi-successfully raise two wonderful sons. Not to minimize this
accomplishment, because it was extremely difficult at times and very rewarding
in the end.
The truth - this has been a long bumpy road. Even though looking back is not something I
want to do often. Truth is as I sit and look at what I’ve dreamed of
accomplishing and prayed for has always been just within my reach; yet
something always occurred to keep my from seeing any of my hopes and dreams of a
brighter future come to fruition.
Even the minor things I desired to accomplish may have come
to pass, but with unwanted turmoil. Even my biggest dream to be published is
flawed. Because I wanted it so badly I rushed into it and am disappointed
because the work is not my best. It would be great to look at my novel and be
proud, but the fact I rushed and now have a piece of work out there with my
name on it with some editing error makes me sad.
I’ve been trying to find the strength and emotional ability
to be encouraging and share, but in my current state of mind I have misplaced
my voice and strength. One thing I promised myself is I would not use my blog
to become a place for venting; I have a friend for that. Understand I’m not
having a pity party, too tired for that. I’m open to any assistance and
guidance, but please don’t be trite or propose clichés; I know most of them
already. I ask from the bottom of my heart for words of wisdom – in need of “Soup
for my Soul”. In simpler words, the Chef needs a good meal.
