I’m back for a brief moment. Manuscript has been submitted and I feel like a weight has been removed. Now I wait for the edits from my publisher. So this is a break in the pressure, but only a short one. Now to work on some of the other things I've been putting off because of uncertainty and self-doubt.
Now, for an update on my spiritual health all good. My struggles are mostly financial, but not life threatening. Now the stress has taken a toll on my health and my emotions, but this too shall pass. The most difficult thing for me is I have been tithing and sowing and now my storehouse is empty. Hmmmm…I must be doing something right! However, I laugh in the Devil’s ugly face with this trick.
I’ve been here before and I know God has heard my prayers and will keep his promise of no more lack for me. This is just a short term circumstance. The most difficult thing about being on empty is not being able to provide for my own personal stuff. That along with having my children call needing me and I’m not able to do anything but hear their issue and cry because I can’t do anything to make it better except prayer.
In a conversation with my oldest son yesterday, I was blessed and for the first time in my life I truly feel like a Proverbs 31 woman. In the conversation I was having with my baby, something he said brought me to tears of joy and affirmation. I’m trying figure out how to explain how to share the comments he made without telling too much of his personal business.
Basically, my son told me during an argument he told someone he couldn’t understand their circumstances or their reasoning. Because his Momma, did whatever she had to take care of him and his brother. My Momma walked away from two abusive men, but never left her children behind. He told this person, he didn’t understand weak women because all he saw growing up was a strong woman. A single mother that raised him right and taught him to be a real man all on her own.
Then he said to me he was proud to be my son and I did a good job raising him even with all the stuff he got into. He told me he was glad I was a tough disciplinarian and he was all the better for it. Well my chest got puffed up and my head blew up just a tiny bit. At that moment, I was filled with joy, pride and stripped away were my fears and regrets of having failed my boys.
My youngest tells me all the time he has no hard feelings about the things we have endured as a family because the end of the day I gave him the best I could. I worried that some of the circumstances my children had to endure had damaged them, but I am amazed at how wise and humble my boys are.
I also realized the blessing in the conversations I had with my boys is if anything does happen to me, I’ve done a good job and have every reason to be proud to have these young men call me Mommy. The greatest lesson I got out of this is sometimes my unanswered request come because my human side is struggling with lack of faith in self; making it difficult to have even mustard seed faith in the God inside of me.
I’ve always said I wanted a closer and stronger relationship with my children than I had with my mother. Well God is not a liar!!!!! He told me he would be there with me for all of it and my sons would rise and call me blessed. I’m so excited that I get to hear how my children see me and I have already given them a really good legacy.
The funny thing about it all is this morning I heard the inner voice tell me it is time to delete the opinions of others that have caused me to belittle my accomplishments as still not good enough. Erase all the self-doubt put upon me by others who torn me down because of their own issues. I’m learning every day how to totally heal that little girl who believes she wasn’t worthy. I heard clearly as I was editing my novel; it’s time to rewrite the script for the little girl and allow her to heal and grow up and WALK BOLDLY INTO HER DESTINY!!
