Saturday, February 28, 2015

Knock, Knock!

Happy Friday! It was a whopping 18° yesterday morning and the ground was covered with snow. My day began with a knocking at my door at 6:00 am. I most certainly wasn’t expecting anyone and definitely not at that hour. Even though I was awake it was too early and too cold, but I got out of the comfort of my warm bed and went to answer. I looked out my window and no one was there, so I opened the door to see if maybe someone had left something at the door and found nothing except fresh undisturbed snow.

My imagination went crazy with this and my spiritual mind got carried away. I’ve been praying, as I usually do, mostly because I don’t know how else to get through, and that voice in my head whispered “Behold, I stand at the door and knock”. Well, to me this was a sign. A sign that I’d been keep God outside while I tried to fix things on my own. With all my ranting, anger and stubborn attitude I had grieved the Holy Spirit.

I can’t remember now exactly where I heard this, but it ran through my mind. Someone once said the Holy Spirit will not come where he is not invited. I know this is not scripture, but it made complete sense to me yesterday morning. I do recall reading in scripture that the spirit is subject to the prophet, but a prophet I am not.

The day proceeded with phone calls and texts from friends needing my assistance, voice or just a sounding board. All I could do was chuckle. It was clear to me this disappointment had affected more than my mind, heart, faith and will, but it had been a means of blocking my connection with the Holy Spirit.

Yes, my faith had been shattered, but my connection had been too. To express my thankfulness that I have a heavenly father who forgives me 7x70 times. It makes me wonder what the day would have been like had I not opened that door. Even if it may seem like a strange thing to some it was very symbolic and healing for me. To be honest, inside I didn’t care about where I stood with God because I felt like my faith and belief were a waste of time. My hopes, desires and prayers were of no consequence.

I was teetering on the cliff of giving up wanting more than what was on the table in front of me. No longer feeling the desire to strive for anything more because the loss rendered me feeling more unworthy of anything better than what I could obtain under my own power.

Then I had the most amazing conversation with my baby boy. When he shared one simple thing I began to weep. He told me to stop worrying and give it to God and since he gave all his worries to God things have just fallen into place. All I could say was out of the mouths of babes. Here was my baby being a voice of reason and encouragement. All because I open a door! Surrendered Saturday! Smooches~~



Thursday, February 26, 2015

Time Out Over

Finally finished all the decorations for my friend’s bridal shower. It was so much fun and a nice break from using the frontal lobe. The only thing about me and being creative I tend to keep working until a project is complete; so staying up until three or four am has been my norm for the last two weeks. Now, I’ll get back to my normal sleeping pattern and back to trying to keep my focus.

My dreams have been very interesting and kind of comical. This morning I actually woke up laughing. I can’t quite understand them and nothing stands out. The only constant are the various praise songs that I’m singing. I’m thinking some of that is due to the fact my first Pastor and Wife recently celebrated their anniversary in ministry.

I wished I could have been there to celebrate this couple who have had such a profound impact in my life. I love and respect them so much! The relationship I had with them was much deeper than any I’ve had in any church leadership since. This experience was the beginning of my heart and soul being healed. The knowledge sprinkled with love and acceptance have stayed with me.

My Commission and I always refer back to something he preached or taught that assisted us after we moved on. Even with all the other drama that went on within that family, we walked away with a deepened knowledge and footing in walking with God. The love and admiration I have for them is without ceasing. I will always think of them as my family and pray one day to go back home and be a part of HOP again.

Well one other good thing occurred this week, I had an interview for a fulltime job. I think it went well, but no word yet. I’m praying it comes through so I can began, once again, to play catch up on my debts and reduce my stress level. Although I’m glad for my relationship with God, I’ve been rather peaceful under this financial disturbance I’m facing.

Well I’m exhausted and am going to call it a night. Looking forward to getting into my studying and worship time in the morning. Tired Thursday. Smooches~~

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Searching For ????

I’m back! Been a week of massive creative juice flow and I love it! It was a positive distraction because I was feeling very disconnected and nothing was coming or inspiring me to put anything on paper. I am not one to waste time staring at a white screen, but my mind was swirling with thoughts. Thoughts I wasn’t able to find the proper words or any inspiring thoughts to share.

It seemed like my connection to my God is weakened because of my anger and the rage that still brews beneath the surface. The week was sprinkled with conversations with friends who seemed to have an inlet to getting prayers answered and walking strong in the blessings of God. Glowing with the favor of God and confidence in their faith of God fulfilling the promises to prosper them.

Trying to find a way to stir the pot of faith and rekindling my joy in knowing God does still love me and still wants to use me has not been an easy task. All I am able to do is pray until something changes. The fight for something over a long period of time only to lose doesn’t make for an easy comeback for me. Trying to muster up strength for the next round and having no real direction has defined my daily stress.

I’m trying not to stress on the financial disaster that has raised its ugly head and to ignore the fears of my past losses. Trying with all the strength I have left to trust God in this mess I’m in. Pushing back tears as I strive to get a word from God through messages from men and women of God who have inspired me in the past. Fighting the urge to crawl into the fetal position and give up.

Then to lose a friend whom, I loved, suddenly gave me an excuse to release the ocean of tears. Not sure if I was crying for the loss or if I was actual envious of him being free from the tribulations. Thinking how immensely wonderful it is to not have to worry about having needs supplies.

Then I was thrilled when one of my trio sent out a distress call, which I immediately answered and was glad to share with them my deepest darkest pain without worry of judgment or condemnation. The time we spent went by so fast, but was full of laughing, love and affirmation. This was much needed release and am grateful for the longevity of this bond.

So, instead of thinking too much, which I usually do, I’m spending my day filled with mindless movies and resting. Solemn Sunday. Smooches~~