It’s been one of those mornings that I have teetered between being bless and abundantly blessed. I love the times I get to share with my best friend, she always gives me such an awesome prospective. I think one of the things I love most about our friendship is we have a deep abiding love for our differences. I shared that I prayed for snow for someone and voila we got snow. It amazes me how sometimes God will answer some of the smaller request which makes me think, “Well, dang God, if I had known you were in the giving mood I would have asked for…”
I’m in a little bit of a lazy mood and not feeling led to really share anything. Because I need to stay committed to sharing, I was looking back through some of my journals from 2012 and 2013. It’s awesome to be able to look back and see just how far I have come since the multitude of hardships of just those two years.
I often forget about all the things I have accomplished because the road behind me is filled with so many failures and disappointments. I got understanding many years ago about looking back and the scripture that comes to mind is Luke 9:62, I’m paraphrasing, “The man who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God.” So one thing I have to remind myself is it is okay to look back, just don’t get stuck!!
Well, this wasn’t good enough for me because I want more than anything to be fit for the Kingdom of God!! In all honesty most times when I look back all I feel is the pains of my past. I try to erase these times, but the truth is my eraser isn’t big enough to do it. I have to really lean on my heavenly father to help me to live Philippians 3:13-14 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. “
Now understand I am pressing forward and will continue to do so, I just know the pains and tears of the past are gone, but not forgotten. Yes, the trials have made a difference in the woman I am now and honestly I would change a lot if I could. This is why I have to press because although I have no regrets, there are choices that caused me grief. Some of the circumstances I faced were not because of bad decisions, but now I realize it was for me to grow and learn to stretch my faith. What the devil meant for evil God turned to good because I accept I am called according to his purpose!
Then as I was looking for something to share, God reminded me in my pressing there has and is a transformation in my spirit and my walk. The hardest thing for me, still, are some of the losses I suffered. The hurt is of knowing the things I lost were mostly keepsakes I wanted to give my children are now gone. I can tell them the stories, but the tangible items are gone.
Then I was led to Joel 2:25 -26 “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.” Hold my mule, cause Lexi is about to dance!
As the old tears resurfaced, God place a peace and joy in my spirit. Again, the theme for the year dried those tears with faith in the word, my latter shall be better than my former. That my joy shall be full and my dreams will manifest in the natural.
As long I keep pursuing Him, He will do the rest. I will continue to share, praying someone is helped by my testimony. Then all I kept hearing is the plower shall over the reaper. Amos 9:13-15 “Behold, the days come, saith the Lord, that the plowman shall overtake the reaper, and the treader of grapes him that soweth seed; and the mountains shall drop sweet wine, and all the hills shall melt. And I will bring again the captivity of my people of Israel, and they shall build the waste cities, and inhabit them; and they shall plant vineyards, and drink the wine thereof; they shall also make gardens, and eat the fruit of them. And I will plant them upon their land, and they shall no more be pulled up out of their land which I have given them, saith the Lord thy God.”
What an awesome promise!!! You best believe after this study I have regenerated FAITH!! So I’m done---closing the computer and walking away with a smile! Triumphant Thursday…for real!! Smooches~~
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
7x70 = WHOLENESS
Yesterday was a very interesting day. My phone service here has made it almost impossible to keep in touch with those who still communicate with me. So when I get phone calls that actually ring on my end I answer. Lately, I’ve been good about keeping my focus and sometimes it takes me a couple of days before I feel I have something to share. So when the few calls that came through I jumped at the chance to be a little idle.
I was taking a break from studying and finally had the chance to view MOB Sunday Night Glory and Prophet Hawley blessed my stockings off. It was as if God had given him a direct line to my heart and mind. It was as if he’d read my blogs for the last month.
This form of confirmation is astounding to me. It shows me just how much God cares for me and this message for me was to keep going and keep listening closely. Understand, I don’t always feel like God should use me because my delivery is not like those currently in the pulpit. I know without any doubt I’m a little unconventional and I tend to be across the street from the box. I know that the wisdom I have is surely a God given gift.
I don’t need a title or to be in someone’s church to do what God has called me to do. It is this time in New Mexico I’m seeing this clearly. I miss being in a good fellowship and my heart longs to take a trip to Fresno and be in service with MOB or a trip to Dallas to go to the Potter’s House just to get that feeling live and not through live streaming.
Just as I was feeling like things were finally changing and I feel secure in my purpose the message from Sunday confirmed all my doubts. Then I get a text message from a number I didn’t recognize. Wait I think I need to back up a little here. In one of my conversations with my everything friend, I had been discussing the lack of communication I have with my older son and how much it is tearing my heart up. The one thing I shared with her is it may not be what I want, but I trust God to deal with him and with me.
It’s difficult to put in a short space the total dysfunction of the relationship I have with my oldest, other than to state that child has kept me before God. My love for him is the greatest love I’ve felt for another human being. I don’t love him more than my youngest, not even close. However this one is part of my cross to bear!
The thing is this child hurt me, once again, more this last time I’d seen him that all I could do is finally allow him to have his way. It wasn’t just his words, but his actions and the timing of those actions that sent me over the edge. When he told me he wanted no part of me and that I was dead to him, this time out of hurt and anger I lost it and told him okay. I told him until he gets himself together I am dead to him. I’d seen a post that said “God may not be done with you, but I am! And believe me that is exactly how I feel about my son.
This was in November and I thought I had let go of most of the anger, but the hurt was still jumping up and down in my heart. Then very loudly I heard “Forgive him again! 7x70” I was like what, not this time Lord, it is clear my son has some issues. In my heart I know the text message was him trying to reach out and when I saw the signature line I knew it was him, but I responded with “Who is this?”. I could feel the anger seeping through. It was after some tears I realized I had not forgiven my son. As I was praying this morning I had to ask God to help me to not to just forgive again, but to forget this one.
Understand I’m not yet sure how to get past this. I want to be there for him, but now I know the relationship I have with him will have to be very different. It made me think about the relationships I have with other blood relatives and I realized I was holding on to the hurtful things. Pushing them out of my life because of the pain and hurt they represent and not allowing God to sweep all these things from my heart. It makes me wish sometimes my memory wouldn’t be so clear.
It is as I write this I find I have a lot more forgiving to do and mostly I have to stop being so hard on myself for feeling like I do. I know that even though I love them all and would love for things to be better, I’m the one who will have to take that step. Not anything anyone can see, but I need to step into total forgiveness, not just sometimey forgiveness. It is easy to think you’ve forgiven someone until you are face to face with them and all those negative feelings burst through like a tornado.
Pray for me as I walk through the valley of forgiveness and meet me on the other side of wholeness. Wholeness Wednesday! Smooches~~
I was taking a break from studying and finally had the chance to view MOB Sunday Night Glory and Prophet Hawley blessed my stockings off. It was as if God had given him a direct line to my heart and mind. It was as if he’d read my blogs for the last month.
This form of confirmation is astounding to me. It shows me just how much God cares for me and this message for me was to keep going and keep listening closely. Understand, I don’t always feel like God should use me because my delivery is not like those currently in the pulpit. I know without any doubt I’m a little unconventional and I tend to be across the street from the box. I know that the wisdom I have is surely a God given gift.
I don’t need a title or to be in someone’s church to do what God has called me to do. It is this time in New Mexico I’m seeing this clearly. I miss being in a good fellowship and my heart longs to take a trip to Fresno and be in service with MOB or a trip to Dallas to go to the Potter’s House just to get that feeling live and not through live streaming.
Just as I was feeling like things were finally changing and I feel secure in my purpose the message from Sunday confirmed all my doubts. Then I get a text message from a number I didn’t recognize. Wait I think I need to back up a little here. In one of my conversations with my everything friend, I had been discussing the lack of communication I have with my older son and how much it is tearing my heart up. The one thing I shared with her is it may not be what I want, but I trust God to deal with him and with me.
It’s difficult to put in a short space the total dysfunction of the relationship I have with my oldest, other than to state that child has kept me before God. My love for him is the greatest love I’ve felt for another human being. I don’t love him more than my youngest, not even close. However this one is part of my cross to bear!
The thing is this child hurt me, once again, more this last time I’d seen him that all I could do is finally allow him to have his way. It wasn’t just his words, but his actions and the timing of those actions that sent me over the edge. When he told me he wanted no part of me and that I was dead to him, this time out of hurt and anger I lost it and told him okay. I told him until he gets himself together I am dead to him. I’d seen a post that said “God may not be done with you, but I am! And believe me that is exactly how I feel about my son.
This was in November and I thought I had let go of most of the anger, but the hurt was still jumping up and down in my heart. Then very loudly I heard “Forgive him again! 7x70” I was like what, not this time Lord, it is clear my son has some issues. In my heart I know the text message was him trying to reach out and when I saw the signature line I knew it was him, but I responded with “Who is this?”. I could feel the anger seeping through. It was after some tears I realized I had not forgiven my son. As I was praying this morning I had to ask God to help me to not to just forgive again, but to forget this one.
Understand I’m not yet sure how to get past this. I want to be there for him, but now I know the relationship I have with him will have to be very different. It made me think about the relationships I have with other blood relatives and I realized I was holding on to the hurtful things. Pushing them out of my life because of the pain and hurt they represent and not allowing God to sweep all these things from my heart. It makes me wish sometimes my memory wouldn’t be so clear.
It is as I write this I find I have a lot more forgiving to do and mostly I have to stop being so hard on myself for feeling like I do. I know that even though I love them all and would love for things to be better, I’m the one who will have to take that step. Not anything anyone can see, but I need to step into total forgiveness, not just sometimey forgiveness. It is easy to think you’ve forgiven someone until you are face to face with them and all those negative feelings burst through like a tornado.
Pray for me as I walk through the valley of forgiveness and meet me on the other side of wholeness. Wholeness Wednesday! Smooches~~
Monday, January 19, 2015
Burst my Bubble!
The thoughts of this one have been bubbling around for a long time. My problem has been how to broach the subject and stay true to my beliefs. Pick up your cross has been swirling around all morning. I hope this point is received in all the love I can muster.
The other day I read an article posted by someone I love. Prior to that there was a video I shared from this same person. Now let me share my opinion very briefly. (Okay, I’ll try to share my opinion briefly and yes Uncle Terry your page.) When will we truly become a church and not congregations distinguished by our differences and classification of sin? ‘Not a spot or wrinkle!’
Truth is truth, right? Let me just put it out there like this. To proclaim myself a Christian is my choice, not a declaration of perfection. Letting it be known I choose to follow after Christ as best I can. Working daily to rid my blemishes and iron out my personal wrinkles. Then the swirling began again.
My cross may not be yours, but I choose to pick it up and follow God just as I am. Don’t understand why He chooses to use me, but I’m willing to be used. For me it is a demonstration of my trust and love, seeing Jesus standing cheering me on as I bare my cross.
It is not my desire to crush bubbles, but here is what I’ve learned about this Cross walk; Sin is Sin to God. Churches have put sins in categories and on shelves which have burst from holding burdens which should have been laid at the altar. The problem is we all have judgments about this thing or the other. I can read the word all day and still take three steps and mess up. The beauty of my messing up is most of the time I mess up alone.
The more I realize my relationship is as a daughter, I’m finally learning to see myself as God sees me; from a parental prospective. Not making excuse but hoping to say this gently. When are the words spoken from pulpits really going to start making a difference in behavior?
Now, I hear friends tell me all the time they love reading my stuff, but I have no way to truly measure that admiration. Let me back up one more, I have people in my life whom I love yet, I only see or speak to them through sporadic Facebook interactions. Several people, I hold dear to my heart, are homosexual and love God. I have people who know about some of my vices and they still love me. A few are non-believers, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them and they can’t love me! If I can’t gauge this love towards me how can I know your love for God? Last I looked not part of my pathvocation.
Maybe I’m confused here and would ask for clarity, but if my sin doesn’t stop me from chasing after my means of salvation; what right does anyone have to block my path!? Wait isn’t that what Love is!? Wait isn’t that what God is? Nowhere have I read come only those with serious OCD and have it all together, those are who I’m using.
Hold on, let me just say this while it’s at my fingertips. It’s funny to me how it’s been said God is not a respecter of person, but it is evident the people in his churches are. The justification used by the church is God hates sin! Yes, but not the sinner! Good Lord, we’d all be in serious poopoo if he did huh!?!?
Here is the clincher, my sin is not now nor never will be against you. So how can you hold something against me I’ve not done to you? I’ve got my own cross and not all my stuff is hanging on the cross I bare. What parts of my sin-filled nature I choose to hold in check are those which are easiest to ignore. It’s easy to deny what doesn’t bind me. I’ve not lived under a basket and my eyes have seen some things. Seeing things can bring about thoughts and thoughts…well. CHURCH how can you unbind from a sin if you keep shielding from and backing away from it?
As I was looking for the right scripture to offer I was led to the book of Acts starting about the 20 th chapter and the word ‘bound’ kept pushing to the front and I’ll end my brevity here. In the depictions of Paul we only know of his struggle to serve and follow Christ. His cross was being in and out of bounds. Oh my goodness, his bound were visible! Yet his words and teachings are some of the most widely used verses for many years.
It could be said it was these visible bonds that kept him securely attached to his cross. He didn’t allow what was going on to his body to interfere with his spirit. Yearning and stretching for what was filling his soul and guiding him forward. So, I simply ask is what binds you to be your cross moving you forward or holding you hostage? I don’t expect an answer, but God does! So, I’d say to anyone who questions you, just tell them to get out of your CROSSWALK!!
The other day I read an article posted by someone I love. Prior to that there was a video I shared from this same person. Now let me share my opinion very briefly. (Okay, I’ll try to share my opinion briefly and yes Uncle Terry your page.) When will we truly become a church and not congregations distinguished by our differences and classification of sin? ‘Not a spot or wrinkle!’
Truth is truth, right? Let me just put it out there like this. To proclaim myself a Christian is my choice, not a declaration of perfection. Letting it be known I choose to follow after Christ as best I can. Working daily to rid my blemishes and iron out my personal wrinkles. Then the swirling began again.
My cross may not be yours, but I choose to pick it up and follow God just as I am. Don’t understand why He chooses to use me, but I’m willing to be used. For me it is a demonstration of my trust and love, seeing Jesus standing cheering me on as I bare my cross.
It is not my desire to crush bubbles, but here is what I’ve learned about this Cross walk; Sin is Sin to God. Churches have put sins in categories and on shelves which have burst from holding burdens which should have been laid at the altar. The problem is we all have judgments about this thing or the other. I can read the word all day and still take three steps and mess up. The beauty of my messing up is most of the time I mess up alone.
The more I realize my relationship is as a daughter, I’m finally learning to see myself as God sees me; from a parental prospective. Not making excuse but hoping to say this gently. When are the words spoken from pulpits really going to start making a difference in behavior?
Now, I hear friends tell me all the time they love reading my stuff, but I have no way to truly measure that admiration. Let me back up one more, I have people in my life whom I love yet, I only see or speak to them through sporadic Facebook interactions. Several people, I hold dear to my heart, are homosexual and love God. I have people who know about some of my vices and they still love me. A few are non-believers, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them and they can’t love me! If I can’t gauge this love towards me how can I know your love for God? Last I looked not part of my pathvocation.
Maybe I’m confused here and would ask for clarity, but if my sin doesn’t stop me from chasing after my means of salvation; what right does anyone have to block my path!? Wait isn’t that what Love is!? Wait isn’t that what God is? Nowhere have I read come only those with serious OCD and have it all together, those are who I’m using.
Hold on, let me just say this while it’s at my fingertips. It’s funny to me how it’s been said God is not a respecter of person, but it is evident the people in his churches are. The justification used by the church is God hates sin! Yes, but not the sinner! Good Lord, we’d all be in serious poopoo if he did huh!?!?
Here is the clincher, my sin is not now nor never will be against you. So how can you hold something against me I’ve not done to you? I’ve got my own cross and not all my stuff is hanging on the cross I bare. What parts of my sin-filled nature I choose to hold in check are those which are easiest to ignore. It’s easy to deny what doesn’t bind me. I’ve not lived under a basket and my eyes have seen some things. Seeing things can bring about thoughts and thoughts…well. CHURCH how can you unbind from a sin if you keep shielding from and backing away from it?
As I was looking for the right scripture to offer I was led to the book of Acts starting about the 20 th chapter and the word ‘bound’ kept pushing to the front and I’ll end my brevity here. In the depictions of Paul we only know of his struggle to serve and follow Christ. His cross was being in and out of bounds. Oh my goodness, his bound were visible! Yet his words and teachings are some of the most widely used verses for many years.
It could be said it was these visible bonds that kept him securely attached to his cross. He didn’t allow what was going on to his body to interfere with his spirit. Yearning and stretching for what was filling his soul and guiding him forward. So, I simply ask is what binds you to be your cross moving you forward or holding you hostage? I don’t expect an answer, but God does! So, I’d say to anyone who questions you, just tell them to get out of your CROSSWALK!!
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