Finding My Rhythm!

This is to me first, how many opportunities have I let slip by because of fear of failure? No matter how many people told me I have a real gift for something, I’ve allowed fear to bind me from any opportunity for success. I’ve always had numerous excuses why I wasn’t able to pursue or move forward. One thing I’ve learned to distrust about some “Holier than thou” Christians is when they quickly spout a verse of scripture. The problem with that is most of the time that puts the person in more bondage.

I can’t even remember how many times I’ve gone to a Christian friend for comfort and what I got was quoted scripture. Now let me be clear. I love the word and believe it to be the truth. But I’ve also come to realize sometimes when a person hasn’t experienced the issue confronted with, the easiest way to try to placate someone is to quote scripture.

Let me share just a little of my history; I’ve always kept a journal and would always write stories. When I finally went to college I took a creative writing course for fun from the other courses. Trig, Political Science and Intro to Engineering were pretty heavy, plus I had a son to care for. It was the best thing I could have done for several reasons.

My instructor, Carol Abate, was the first person to ever tell me I had a gift for writing. It was because of several meetings and discussions that aided in my changing my course of study to literature. She was an awesome mentor during my time at West Valley.

What I wasn’t aware of was this was all part of God’s plan, yet I had no knowledge of God nor was I interested. I was a good student and my counselor advised me to apply to four year colleges. I chose Santa Clara University, San José State and after a visit to San Luis Obispo, CalPoly. I was accepted to all three and had to make a choice.

My first choice was Santa Clara, until once again God stepped in and sent me, a man I attribute to my being saved, representative from CalPoly who told me if I changed my major he’d take care of it. A little, less than a week later I received a phone call from admissions and my life direction was insured. I began making arrangements to move my son and me to San Luis Obispo.

I feel in love with the professors of the English Department and some of them with me. I can honestly say they all offered me encouragement. It was funny though because it was my African American History professor who tried very hard to convince me to pursue my writing. His words stuck with me even to this day. He believed my skills and talent could make me the “Alice Walker of my generation”

Then came Toni and her encouragement to spend at least fifteen minutes a day writing and increase as time permitted. By this time I was now a single mother of two and fifteen minutes was a stretch. I was always the one new college friends asked to help with papers and I was content. The problem was after my youngest was born, I didn’t have the energy to take my final undergrad classes so I dropped out.

I need to include here it was during my first semester I found out about Jesus and my life has never been the same. Still not aware that I was called, but well aware that my writing was a fabulous gift I wanted and needed to share. I was constantly encouraged by a wonderful spiritual sister who would sometimes just call me to ask how a story was coming along.

You would think that would have been enough encouragement to be the spring board for me. What I wasn’t aware of was I was bound by fear of not really being good enough. I had read, heard and even used 2Ti 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I had even read Ro 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. Again my problem wasn’t with the word, it was the bondage of the voices from my past that kept me from taking a step into what I’m now aware as my destiny.

All the scripture knowledge didn’t change my thoughts and I was still too afraid to do what I felt a strong yearning to do. So, I continued to stay bound for twenty years before I took the risk of having a piece of my work out there for the world to scrutinize. During those waiting years I was still being encouraged by friends who I shared my rough drafts with. My excuse then was the time and money.

It wasn’t until I lost my source of income (A five year ordeal) I took the time and wrote my first novel. I completed it in 2011 and didn’t make any attempts to publish for another three years. Then I was rejected time and time again by Literary Agents, so I went to a self-publisher and was disappointed in the end result because some simple edits were missed.

One thing fear never stopped was my writing. I have several short stories and a partial novel waiting for completion. Now I’ve taken a risk and blog as much as I can, but I’m working on becoming completely unbound by fear. Pray for me as I continue to walk away from the biggest deterrent, FEAR OF SUCCESS! Mastering my Destiny Monday. Smooches ~~

Fitness Training Begins!

Well I have to admit I’ve not been the best warrior for Christ lately. I’ve slacked in my prayer life, worshipping nonexistent and my studying time went from six days to once a week. I’d allowed a moment of adversity to determine my self-worth. I was certain if I felt this way about myself how in the world could God see me any differently.

I thought I was ready to venture out of my comfort zone and fulfill what I thought was my purpose. I know my heart’s desire is to be a writer, to share the wisdom I glean from my studies and to help others going through struggles. I felt like I failed because I hadn’t gotten something I’d hoped for.

Then I had to ask myself why I was so devastated by this failure. What was it about this one that made me lose all the progress I’d made over the last few years? As I sat contemplating, it wasn’t this one by itself, it was years of failure and unfulfilled dreams that caused me to want to walk away.

So I asked God to show me how to find my footing and get back on track. Then my Sunday morning routine turned into the biggest blessing I could have hoped for. Bishop Jakes preached a sermon I felt designed just for me. I cried, which is not unusual, as I realize this failure was all part of the plan for my life.

I was the John Mark he was speaking to. It was me who wasn’t fit for the fight up until now. With just a simple message my spiritual eyes were dried from the years of tears and my vision cleared from despair. The clincher of it all was at the end of the service was the Praise and Worship singers began singing Marvin Sapp’s “He Saw the Best in Me”.

It still amazes me how one event opened the door for a renewal of strength to fight. To fight for my dream and to stand a little taller in my faith that God has my life in his hands and will see to it I finish this race as a victor not a victim. To continue writing even if there is never any recognition or accolades.

My job is to share my heart and my trials in hopes maybe just one person finds their strength and walks into their destiny. So onward and clicking away at the keys I go. Standing Stronger Sunday! Smooches ~~